Monday, December 20, 2010

Reflections

"When you look into a mirror
Do you like what's looking at you?
Now that you've seen your true reflections
What on earth are you gonna do?

Find some inspiration
It's down deep inside you
Amend your situation, yeah
Your whole life is ahead of you
Your whole life is ahead of you."

--Dave Matthews Band, "True Reflections."

The lyrics above are from a song that Dave Matthews Band has been playing on the road for a few years, but they have never recorded it or released it on an album. According to antsmarching.org, in 33 concerts over the past 16 years, I have heard this song played live just once!

You read that right. 33 concerts. 16 years. My first DMB show was Lisner Auditorium in November of 1994. I was there with my sister and her then-boyfriend-now-husband to see the opening act, Rusted Root. I hadn't even heard of the Dave Matthews Band--none of us had. We decided to stick around anyway. The band opened with "Warehouse."

Hey, reckless mind. Don't throw away your playful beginnings.

And then Boyd and LeRoi started in, and the lights were flashing in time to their playing. And I was hooked.

And then there was Nissan Pavilion (now known as "Jiffy Lube Live," puke) in Bristow, VA, The Patriot Center on GMU's campus, the old US Air Arena in Maryland. Merriweather Post Pavilion in Columbia, MD. Comerica Park in Detroit. American Airlines Center in Dallas. Nissan again. Hershey Park Pennsylvania. Alpine Valley in East Troy, WI (a favorite). Saratoga Performing Arts Center in New York (anotehr favorite). Alpine. Alpine. The Kohl Center in Madison, WI. Alpine. Alpine. Verizon Wireless Music Center in Indianapolis (probably the best seating, sound, and parking IMHO). Verizon Wireless Virginia Beach Amphitheater (awesome). Nissan. DAR Constitution Hall in DC. Nationals Park in DC. Wrigley Field in Chicago.

I could expound on this part of my life--my annual spiritual renewal where I raise my arms to the heavens and thank the Universe that I'm alive, because I ain't going to no Baptist tent revival--for many, many paragraphs. Chapters, even. Can you believe it has taken me this long to mention that I MET DAVE MATTHEWS?

Anyway.

I'm writing this to reflect on the year that is coming to a close, and when I needed a quote on reflections, well, Dave always comes through for me. :)

2010.

Phew.

I almost can't talk about 2010 without including December 2009, because a lot of what happened this year evolved out of the events of that month, one year ago, almost exactly. When I broke up with the most serious boyfriend I had had since my divorce in 2008. Right between Thanksgiving and Christmas, the shit hit the fan, and it was made clear to me that the ex-BF had no intention of taking our relationship to a more committed level. He had known all along, and it took him 16 months to own up to it.

Asshole. Anyway. As rough as it was, he did me a giant favor, because I sure as hell don't want to be with someone who doesn't truly want to be with me. (In reality, *I* did me that favor, because he would have been content to keep stringing it along, and I had to be the one to buck up and end it. But anyway.)

What happened was this: I woke the hell up. To the fact that I have the strength and power to determine how *I* want to live my life. Enter 2010.

On January, 1, I registered for the Diamondman Half Iron-distance triathlon, which I massacred on September 12, 2010. Funny: when ex-BF did a Half IronMan, I pondered aloud whether I could do one. He very quickly said, "Oh, no, you couldn't do that. A Half IronMan would be beyond your limits." Ha.

In February, I took the "I don't need no stinking boyfriend" trip to Argentina, where I visited my cousin Melanie, and traveled through Buenos Aires, Mendoza, and Bariloche. I drank a shit-ton of Malbec, got a sunburn, kissed a boy WELL below my cougar cutoff, received 3 marriage proposals, slept on 2 buses, and hiked to a site so beautiful tears spontaneously came out of my eyes. Oh, ARGENTINA. It's still so surreal. Argentina. Argentina.

In March, I moved to a part of the city I LOVE, the neighborhood trying to brand itself as "NoMa." I'm a mile and a half from work, and a mile and a half from my sister. I started commuting on my bike. I have a ROOFDECK, which I took advantage of all year.

Also in March, I ran my first half marathon on the day after my 34th birthday.

In April, I took a fabulous trip with two girlfriends to New Orleans, where we ate and drank and listened to music and had a great time just hanging out. I got up early each day to run, and let me tell you how hilarious Bourbon street is at 8 am.

In May, I did my first triathlon of the season, the Columbia Triathlon, which I'm signed up for again next year. Centennial Lake and I have some unfinished business.

June kind of sucked, I'm not going to lie. Turns out the guy I was dating in April and May was in fact (his words) a vapid narcissist, and (my words) a complete psycho. By the time we broke up, I felt like I had been on a Tilt-A-Whirl ride for about 2 weeks. I was dizzy and nauseous. It took a little while to recover.

I joined a women's a cappella group called Capital Blend on June 1.

I swam in the Potomac River on June 20th without a wetsuit. It was my third triathlon that involved swimming in the Po', and I still claim it's my favorite place to swim. I killed the bike course, and it was 99 degrees on the run. Puke. My sister and my nephew were at the finish line, which was awesome.

I joined a rock band called The Slow Burn on June 30.

Enter July and August.

Enter hardcore training for a Half IronMan. Enter getting up at the BUTT CRACK of dawn for nearly 2 straight months to do long rides and runs. Enter wanting to eat my arm. Enter my love affair with MacArthur Boulevard and my absolute devotion and commitment to Hains Point.

Oh, Hains Point, we shared some good times this year. Loop after loop on the bike on Tuesday mornings. Hearing "Reveille" played at the Marine Corps barracks across the river while doing long runs with Angela or Emily. Swimming lap after lap in the lovely 50-meter outdoor pool... in the slow lane... as Mandi and Martha were speed demons 2 lanes over. My dearest HP, I will see you as soon as the sun starts to rise earlier in the morning (as I have a half marathon in March and a HIM in May 2011!).

I took a nice trip to visit my dearest Erin in Youngstown, OH, in early July, as well as a long weekend to Boston to see Annie on July 31-August 1. Then I visited my parents in late August and got my butt kicked by some giant biker dudes in Wisconsin. Whatever you might think about America's Dairyland, I assure you, it is not flat. Wisconsin is all rolling hills. Oof.

Because I am crazy, I started dating, too. I'm really grateful I did that, even though it was fairly obnoxious to give what little spare time I had to DUD after DUD after DUD. I needed to tear off the band-aid and work out some kinks before I could really think about another relationship, and the timing worked out very well for me, thank you very much. :)

Oh yeah, and I did another triathlon. IronGirl was my worst race ever.

Then came September.

I became a Half IronWoman on September 12! I had the race of my life. I peed on my bike. I washed it.

The next weekend, I flew to Chicago to see my beloved Dave Matthews Band at Wrigley Field with my dearest Erin and my former student Kelly.

Then I had a giant party.

Then I drove to Myrtle Beach to do another triathlon on October 2nd, and I got 5th in my Age Group.

October. I got really, really sick. Duh.

I went to Luray, VA, October 9th to 11th with some of my best friends for a weekend of relaxing and drinking wine. We pretty much spent the entire time on the deck in the hot tub. Sadly, my girl Ashley was sick that weekend, so we didn't go for a hike.

My band had a gig on October 16th, and I got to be a rockstar again.

My mom came to town Halloween weekend, and we went to the Rally to Restore Sanity And/Or Fear. I dressed up as "The Bride" from Kill Bill for Halloween. I PRed my 10k at the Marine Corps Marathon, and I paced some friends to the finish line.

I bowled at the White House.

November.

I drove to Ottawa and curled on Canadian ice. We got killed.

My sister, a self-proclaimed non-athlete, non-runner, asked me to run and train for the Philadelphia Half marathon with her. We spent the 4 months leading up to the race running together--short runs during the week, long runs on the weekend. We ran the Veteran's Day 10k together, and then drove up to Philly and ran 13.1 miles side by side. I love my sister! I even bought the official race photos for her for Christmas. Shh.

We made an awesome Thanksgiving dinner together, and I ate so much that it hurt.

Also, my a cappella group had a fantastic fall concert weekend, November 13th and 14th.

December.

I PRed my 10k again, for a stupid-fast time (for me, anyway) of 48:06 at the The Jingle All the Way race. It was COLD.

I got elected to the DC Triathlon Club Board of Directors!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry. Just a few more.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And now. It's almost Christmas. And as I have been writing this, I have been thinking, no wonder! No wonder I feel like this year flew by.

And no wonder I am so happy. I spend my time doing *what I love.* Visiting people that I love. Sharing time and making memories with amazing friends and family, and training buddies. And then there is my boyfriend (!), who was a part of many of these things toward the end of the year, and who I met DOING SOMETHING THAT I LOVE (biking on MacArthur Boulevard). He is pretty much the icing on the cake of an amazing year, and I look forward to sharing a fabulous New Year's Eve with him in just a few days.

What, praytell, is in store for 2011?

I am so blessed and lucky.

I can't wait to find out.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

What will I find?

"So long, I've been looking too hard,
I've been waiting too long.
Sometimes I don't know what I will find,
I only know it's a matter of time."

--Foreigner, "Waiting for a Girl Like You."

I'm copying and pasting an e-mail I recently wrote to a friend who asked me how my dating life is going. Yep, I'm going to POST IT HERE. You might be wondering: why the HELL would anyone do that?

Because. Sometimes it's important to document the good stuff. Sometimes it's good to reflect on positive things in my life. Perhaps it's time for me to start looking closely at the reasons why a relationship is (actually!) good for me and be critical even while I'm totally enjoying every minute of it. Maybe THAT is how you sustain the positivity or learn how to nip negativity in the bud (or, eliminate it completely if that's the right thing to do).

My friend read this message and replied that it gave her "goosebumpies!" If I try to read it objectively--as if I didn't write it--the whole thing gives me goosebumpies, too. Just thinking about everything certainly makes me smile.

And by the way [Name], if you claim that you DON'T READ MY BLOG ANYWAY, then you won't read this and you can't be mad about it!

Ha!
Ha again!

***********************************************************************************

I have to laugh because I really expected a whole lot of nothing from the guy. It took him like 3.5 months to figure out that he was supposed to ask me out, and then my expectations were super low as a result. I was dating a handful of guys for a while there, trying to be super picky and weed through the garbage (and there was plenty of trash). I fully expected to weed him out. There was this other guy who was totally in the lead... And then suddenly [Name] and I started to click. And then all the other dudes just weren't measuring up. And now we've just been dating each other for a couple of months.

And.... he's kinda awesome. And hilarious! He's a little nuts sometimes, but I love it. He's really, really sweet to me, too.

I totally dig him, and as long as he keeps treating me so nicely and making it pretty darn obvious (as he does) that he digs me back, I will keep him around. :)

I'm kind of in shock over the whole thing. When I tell people how we met it makes me laugh. "Our first conversation took place on MacArthur Boulevard and my computer was reading about 25. I was trying not to suck air and look like a chump in front of all the gorgeous Coppi boys when I got swallowed up in their paceline."

He likes to tell people I picked him up off the street.

***********************************************************************************
So... there you have it...

Besos to you, [Name]!


Friday, December 3, 2010

Right Now

"I'm a low brow but I rock a little know how
No time for the piggies or the hoosegow,
Get smart get down with the pow wow,
Never been a better time than right now."

-The Red Hot Chili Peppers, "Give it Away."

Tonight, I was overwhlemed with the feeling that I had something to share with people I love. Something to share with the world. Something to add, contribute, give. Apparently, I rock a little know how.

What do I know?

I know how shit can hit the fan. I know how you can have your whole life planned out to the last little detail... and then have it all melt away. Like you're holding something made of solid brick that suddenly turns to sand... and you watch it sift through your fingers.

I know how you can keep up a charade. I know you can pretend that life is this perfect amazing thing, when underneath the facade of perfection it's this big old stinking mess. I used to live that lie everyday.

Someone very dear to me revealed that she has been living a lie for a long time. My dearest, I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry that you have to go through this. I'm so sorry that the vision that you have had for your life is being torn apart. The pain, the panic, the fear... I don't envy what you're going through right now, because I've been there, and I know how scary it is.

I've had my whole world stripped away. I've had every ounce of what I believed, what I thought was true, taken from me without even an apology. I know what it feels like to lose everything. Everything. Every. Last. Thing. That. I. Thought. Was. True.

And here I am: days, weeks, months, years later. Alive. Breathing. Kicking. Thriving. Better: whole.

I wasn't always this way. I had to pick up the pieces and put my world back together. I had to gather the sand grain by grain and reassemble my life.

If there is anything that I can share with you, it's this: the sun will rise tomorrow. And the day after. And the day after. And the day after. And you will be there to watch it happen. And each day that that the sun rises you will discover something new about the world that you didn't know before. You will discover something new about yourself. You will learn, as I did, how to redirect that energy that you've been spending keeping up the charade.

Just imagine what you could do.

You are blessed, because you are an amazing woman. And though you are afraid now because of what you may face in the days, weeks, and years to come, I promise there is good. There is good in you. There is good in others. There is good in the unknown future.

And another thing:

Love is not rationed only to those who are young or without a past. Love is not reserved for those who are perfect. Dear heavens, I'd be desperate if I thought I had to be perfect to be loved. Love comes in many forms, and it will come in exactly the form that you need right now. Maybe it comes in the form of me!