I'll Be Your Friend

"Lean on me when you're not strong,
and I'll be your friend.
I'll help you carry on.
For, it won't be long
till I'm going to need
Somebody to lean on."

--Bill Withers, "Lean on Me."

I was running with my sister the other day as we visited our parents in Wisconsin, and we were talking about friendship. I should interject that I LOVE running with my sister. It is something I never even thought to hope for.

Anyway.

My sister has always been very good at maintaining a network of friends. As long as I can remember, she's had a group, a gang, a posse. She's always had at least two gay male advisors. At times when I was younger, I was envious. But over the years I think I've learned a lot from her.

"To have a friend, you have to be a friend," she said on Sunday as we ran. I thought I knew what that meant when I was a kid--always trying to make other people happy, trying never to be a burden. "And you have to let them know you aren't perfect all the time, too."

Oh, the wisdom of my older sister. I am so lucky to have her.





The context of our converstaion was different from a situation I am facing right now, but completely relatable.

I think I am in the process of losing an old friend.

The sad part is that neither one of us has been a good friend to each other in the past year. I acknowledged my part of it, and I asked forgiveness. She did neither. There's not much else I can do or say to salvage this relationship if she wants out.

So. What will I do?

I will try to show each and every person who I am blessed to have in my life how much they mean to me. I will make plans to see them, support them in their passions, and be there when they need me. I will lean on them when I'm in need. I will show them my love and gratitude for being in my life.

I will be grateful that I learned how to be a friend.

Dedicated to: Emily, Erin, Marni, Ashley, Christina, Stef, Steph, Heather, Annie, Ann, Mandi, Kris, Ben, Christy, Nan...

And even the friend I think I'm losing. You know who you are, and I will always love you.


Some other photos from the trip:



Me, after getting my butt kicked by giant men on wicked hills:



Burying Ben in the sand! Nice work, Papa Dan:




Pontoon Boat Ride Family Fun




Tossing the kid in the lake!

Spinning

"Take me back, just before I was spinning.
Take me back, just before I got dizzy."

--Dave Matthews Band, "So Damn Lucky."

So, once I was in a bike shop in Madison, Wisconsin, and I picked up a book for training for an IronMan triathlon. The schedule was something like "Get up at 4 AM, ride your bike for way too long, go to work, take a nap, eat some food, go back to work, go for a long run, and go to bed at 9 PM."

I remember laughing out loud.

I also remember volunteering for the Ford IronMan Wisconsin 3 times and watching people get off of their bikes with such blank stares, you knew there was virtually no brain function except that which kept them breathing.

This one dude dismounted his bike (which he had been on for 112 miles), and said, "Where do I go now?"

Someone guided him to T2. I remember thinking... "You have to go run a MARATHON NOW!!!!!!!"

Currently, I am training for a Half IronMan. The math: a 1.2-mile swim, a 56-mile bike, and then a half marathon. My race is in 29 days. I got up this morning at 5 AM, biked to the gym, dropped of my gym bag, and then pounded out 42 miles at Hains Point before heading back, dousing myself with water and perfume, throwing on some clothes, and then collapsing at my desk, where I've been for the past 6 hours.

I AM BRAINDEAD. I know that someone will tell me I'm not getting the proper nutrition, and that's why I'm so braindead. I don't want to overcaffeinate myself.

And yet.

This weekend I got tempted--truly tempted, for the first time--to do a full IronMan.

Someone, please remind me of this moment when I am about to put $500 down on a race that will, for all intents and purposes, ruin my life.

Please.

Bait Your Hook

"Well, if the fish isn't on your line,
Bait your hook and keep on trying.
Don't let him get you down,
There's other boys around."

--The Marvelettes, "Too Many Fish in the Sea."

Wow, look at all the fish in this water! They are EVERYWHERE. :)

Now, a public service announcement.

Straight boys, listen up: I've had... enough... of the moody, brooding, over-analytical type who get lost inside their own bullsh*t.

Where's the man who is bold enough to just do what's on his mind? Go after what he wants? That's the guy I want. Yep, I'm intimidating as ALL HELL. Brilliant, talented, athletic, tall, blond, attractive. I'm what you say you all want. And then you chicken OUT when you meet me.

Man up. A woman only wants SO many pen pals.

And then she just wants a MAN.

The guy who is bold enough to ask me out and confident in himself to believe that he deserves such a wonderful woman in his life?

Call me.

Diving In

"Wake up sleepy head, I think the sun's a little brighter today
Smile and watch the icicles melt away and see the water rising."

-Dave Matthews Band, "Dive In."

So. Apparently I need to jump back in the water.

I will certainly start in the shallow end, where I can see the bottom, see my hands and feet and toes. I will only go into depths where I can still touch the bottom. But, standing on the shore and staring out across the water in fear isn't working anymore.

Yep, I'm a little scared to dive in, lest I find myself again gasping for air. But standing and staring and wondering and worrying is a scarier place for me.

They say when you get in a car accident or crash your bike, one of the best ways to get over it is to get back behind the wheel or get right back in the saddle, so the fear doesn't set in.

I don't want this fear to hold onto me for another second.

So I'm diving in.

Growing Hungry

"I don't mind stealing bread from the mouths of decadence.
But I can't feed on the powerless when my cup's already overfilled."

--Hunger Strike, "Temple of the Dog."

I knid of want to eat my arm.

I've been training for a Half IronMan triathlon on September 12, 2010. It's the "DiamondMan" in Bear, DE.



Will it be my first? Will it be my last? Who knows, but lately my workouts are long and intense. I never knew I was an endurance athlete--until I tried, I guess. Yesterday I did 45 minutes on the bike and then ran for an hour, and I felt the strongest in the last half hour of that workout. That's a little sick.

What's sicker is how HARD I BONKED about an hour and a half later. Oof. Apparently I don't know how to feed myself. And this morning all I can think about is "What am I going to eat next?" and "Is it too soon to eat again?"

I'm totally outside my expertise here. I mean, am I going to have to start drinking protein shakes? Like, FTW. I'm a girl.

It was interesting reading different song lyrics on hunger to start this blog post. There are lots of similarities to what's going on in my stomach and what's going on in my heart.

I'm growing hungry, indeed. And I need to find the right nourishment. No ordinary meal will suffice.

I want the good stuff! Bring it!

Out of Tune

"What would you think if I sang out of tune,
Would you stand up and walk out on me?
Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song,
And I'll try not to sing out of key."

--The Beatles, "A Little Help From my Friends."

I just want to give a little shout out to all of my wonderful friends and family who have been so amazingly supportive over the past month (or so). As I write this, I am feeling a sadness that just leaks out my eyes such that I can't stop it, and as much as I want to pick up the phone and ask Emily, or Ashley, or Mom, or Marni, or Heather, or Erin, or Christina, or Ann, or Stefanie, or Dad to hold my hand and tell me it's going to be okay, I'm going to try to give them all a break by writing instead.

I've been attempting to spread all the garbage around so that no one gets too much at once, but I know when I've hit people's upper limits. I apologize, especially to Mom (who gets a daily dose), and to Marni and Stef for dinner last week. I thank you for your support. The pain gets duller each day, but some days, like today, I'm overtired, and all I want is someone who is going to give me a hug when I get home. But that's not going to happen today.

So I'll just pray, and give thanks for the love around me.

Ode on a MoCo Morning

Alarm Clock. Coffee.
Oats. Coffee.
Ade of the gator.
Pickup, meetup. Wheels up.
Take that, Brickyard Road!
Oh, the houses I'll never afford.
Sun beating down. Sweating.
Thank you trees.
35 mph
8 mph
35 mph
Wheeeee! Enjoy it now; you'll pay for it later.
Ugh. Irresponsible gearing.
8 mph
Moving in and out of aero gets easier.
Don't beep at me!
Shot Blocks. Water. Grime.
Hey! I know you.
Take that, River Road.
No flats, phew.
Where did the miles go?