Fate?

"Well, I met an old man dying on a train.
No more destination, No more pain.
Well he said, "One thing, before I graduate:
Never let your fear decide your fate."

--AWOLNATION, "Kill Your Heroes."

It's funny to think back on the days, early 1994, when I was about to graduate from high school. In so many ways I was bold, excited, hungry for something new. In so many ways, I was scared out of my mind.

Deciding where to go to college was particularly difficult for me. It will only sound ridiculous to say, "I got in everywhere I applied, so I had too many choices and no idea what to do!" But, it is a true statement. Sorry. I was a brainiac. A nerd. A straight edge who made straight A's... Probably the only thing unexpected I ever did was kiss a lot of boys. Given that I was someone in high school who everyone seemed to know *everything* about *all* *the* *time,* none of that was likely a secret.

Anyway, moving on.

For reasons I barely understood at the time, I applied to both Westpoint and the Naval Academy. And yes, I was appointed at both. I was a brainiac GIRL from UTAH. I hit every demographic nerve. Even Harvard agreed.

I had noooooooooo idea what I was doing with my life--I was, after all, only 18! The only thing I knew is that I was getting the f*ck out of Utah. And GTFO I did. But unfortunately I didn't know myself, didn't know my strengths, weaknesses, goals... really, ANYTHING in order to make an appropriate decision. Sadly, my loving parents weren't much help in that realm, either. Probably, it was the right decision to decline both appointments. I can't really see myself at war. But to the point: The motivation behind that decision--and many, many others in my late teens and early twenties--was an underlying fear.

I know I can't be too hard on myself for all of that. I can psychoanalyze myself upside down and backwards for all of it.

Bullying -->low self-esteem-->fear of failure-->bad decisions.

Not to be too cynical about people who get married young, but as someone who did it, I think to myself: who *does that* except someone who has absolutely no faith in themselves? (Yes, of course I believe in love, but I think fear is a bigger motivator at 23.)

Anyway, moving on.

I good friend, musical guru, and mentee of mine has recently returned from 2 years in the Peace Corps. When he applied and asked me to be a reference, I said, OF COURSE! You know I will always be a reference for you (you know who you are). Undeniably, there was a part of me that was and will always be envious of what he did.

Why didn't I join the Peace Corps? Why didn't I take off and travel around the globe when I was 20-something? Why didn't I do SO many things that my heart wanted to do?

Fear. Of f*cking up.

Fear. Of missing out on something else.

Fear. Of not being "what everyone expects me to be."

Of not being what I expect of myself.

This past year, I have realized that fear has been a HUGE factor in so so so many of the decisions I have (or haven't) made about my life. And of course, I have one, big, GIANT fear left. If you know me, you know what it is.

Enter IronMan.
Enter... Graduate school? AGAIN? WHAT???!!???

All I can say is: f*ck it. I want these things. Both of them. With my whole damn heart. And I'm not going to let fear of missing out on SOMETHING ELSE stop me.

Is it completely nuts to sign up and train for IronMan? Yep, probably. Am I afraid of it?

HA!

Not even remotely. I think about and I get the chills I'm so friggin' excited.

Is it completely CRAZY to go back for a second master's degree (that I never planned on getting)? Yep, probably. Am I afraid of it?

BRING.
IT.
ON.

I'll work on the fear of other things as I approach these two things fearlessly.