Why Concern?

What point could there be troubling?
Head down wondering what will become of me?
Why concern what we cannot see?
But no reason to abandon it.
Time is short.

--Dave Matthews Band, "Pig."

Believe it or not, I have an all-time *favorite* *song.* Considering how much music is a part of my life (heart, soul), I realized that it might surprise people that I can pick *just one song* and call it my favorite.

Quoting my favorite song (above), must mean I'm hitting the proverbial wall emotionally. One of the reasons I love this song is that when said wall appears, I can listen to it, and I'm reminded of the fact that I am so, so very blessed on this exact day, even if nothing changes and I die right this second, I would thank the Creator for the blessed sip of life that I was graciously given to live.

Right now, I feel like I need to listen to it over and over. My rational mind and my emotional heart are at odds with my current situation, and I feel that I have to pound the song into my brain at the moment, and it isn't sticking as well as I would like.

So here's the business: it has been about 4.5 weeks since the "incident" during which something peculiar happened to my knee and/or IT band and/or TFL such that I have experienced a sh*tton of anterior knee pain while running. My race calendar now officially reads: DNF, DNS, DNS. Phooey.

Oh, the knee. It bewilders. I thought it was getting better, then I ran just 3 little miles, and then in blew up again. Double phooey.

Treatments sought:

Physical Therapy
Results: I'm skeptical. I usually have a lot of confidence in PT, but for some reason, my progress was so miniscule that I barely noticed. Most days I felt worse after treatment. Yes, I know, that doesn't mean it wasn't working, but I decided to take a break for a bit. It was expensive, my PT was chatty and not working very hard, and she seemed confused by my up-and-down situation.

Massage Therapy
Results: good, but short-lived. Therapeutic massage can be quite painful, but I often felt quite good afterwards. It's expensive, so it will have to be used sporadically.

Acupuncture/acupressure/chiropractic
Results: good, but too soon to tell. I had my first treatment last week. The practitioner is an overtrained doc from China who is licensed in PT, Chiro, and needling, and when I see him next, I will bring my MRI CD.

Which leads to:

Orthopedics
Results: too soon to tell. The new orthopedist took an X-ray and had nothing new to report, so he ordered an MRI, which I had done this morning. I will go back for a reading of the pictures on Friday. Doc suggested that cortisone injections might be called for. A few people have expressed concern that cortisone injections can cause a breakdown of (what, exactly?) and warned against it, but I had 2 in my shoulder when I crashed my bike in 2004 and they helped immensely in reducing pain and inflammation. If this "issue" is simply a matter of inflammation in the IT Band, I say SHOOT IT UP and get this business over with.

Apparently I've been trying to throw money at a problem that only time and rest will fix.

Meanwhile, having to take a break from racing reminds me that:

1) I'm old.
2) I want a baby.
3) Those two things in combination are especially sucktastic, because:
3a) I am only getting older, and
3b) "Listen to your body" for me also means hearing the LOUD, OBNOXIOUS TICKING of that stupid clock, reminding me that I don't have a whole lot of time to make the baby thing happen, and then feeling the 2 ton weight on my chest when I think about never getting to hold my own child in my arms, never raising a family, never watching them experience the blessed sip of life, too.

It's like I had this switch in my mind that had two options: Racing and Mom. And if I wasn't doing one, I'd do the other. And now I have... neither. And I complain and pray for more from above. Does that make me a greedy little Pig?

They say the number one reason NOT to do an IronMan is to fill the void of something else that is missing in your life. If only my knee were healthy, that would be an option.

:)