It's My Road

"My body tells me no,
But I won't quit
Cause I want more."

--"My Body," Young the Giant.

It's late and I'm tired and I will probably ramble in this post, but there are cupcakes in the oven and I am in the mood to write, so here goes.

It's been a long time.

Today was a big day for me. I'm probably going to start crying as I write this. I registered for my very first IronMan triathlon today.

HOLY SHITBALLS. I'm going to do IronMan. And yes, coach, I want to finish, so I understand that this is about pacing and not "shredding the bike course."

IronMan. What the hell. I always said, "When I'm ready, it will be there." And I always thought it would be years before I would be ready. I had all these ideas about when it would happen. All these plans about waiting for the timing *of everything* to be right. For the ducks to be lined up.

But the ducks, they fucking never line up. Damn ducks!

And there I was, in 105-degree weather, racing the General Smallwood Triathlon, singing to myself the song quoted above, care of an old high school friend who actually MAILED me (like, USPS, for reals) a MIX CD with that song chosen specifically because she knows I like to do these crazy triathlon things...

[BEGIN MUSHY PHILOSOPHICAL TRIATHLON SHIT]

And it hit me. As I was zooming through the rolling hills of Indianhead, MD, I starting laughing. First to myself, and then right out loud. And then I yelled.

"I'm going to do IronMan!"

The next day I was driving up to IKEA with my friend Ellen (who had wisely opted out of General Smallwood). She did IMoo in 2011 and IMNJ (haha) in 2012. She asked me why I thought the timing was right.

And I told her.

I love every second. I love Pad Thai for lunch the day before a race and packing my transition bag. I love driving however far I have to go with however many friends need a ride to some awesome location with bikes on the roof and making oatmeal and coffee in random hotel rooms at 4 in the morning on race day. I love setting up my bike and gear and nutrition and wondering how accurate the course maps were that I studied for weeks.

I love guessing how far into the swim I will be before the speed demons in the wave behind me will catch up. I love how every time I jump in the water, I get a rush that I can actually SWIM in OPEN WATER for HOWEVER LONG THE COURSE IS. I love that moment in the middle where I'm thinking "Damn this swim is long, but hey, I'm out in the middle of (body of water) and if I keep swimming in the general direction of that yellow thing WAY the hell away, I will eventually be on land again!"

I love running into T1 and wondering why it took me so damn long to get there. :)

I love that my T1 time is half of what it was 3 years ago.

I love getting on my BAMF of a bike and yelling "ON YOUR LEFT" to all the ladies who swam faster than me. I love passing boys with "20" on their calves and laughing as they try to keep up. I love that I can finally grab a bottle being handed off by a volunteer. I love that I see countrysides and hills and roads all over the country that most people either don't see or don't remember.

I love drafting for exactly 14 seconds.

I love putting my running shoes on and the feeling of "YAHOO! I'm gonna do it!!" as I take each step along the course. I love aid stations that have cups only half full of water. I love GU. I love mile marker parties, usually hosted by me. I love coming down the chute and adjusting my number and tri top for perfect finish line photos.

And I'm going to love every second, every pain, pinch, fuck-up, triumph, pothole, bottle of water, peanut butter sandwich, ounce of chamois cream, and every single one of the 140.6 miles that will constitute IronMan Mont-Tremblant on August 18, 2013.

[END MUSHY PHILOSOPHICAL TRIATHLON SHIT]

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And there is more to say. About how I got here, and how this year wasn't what I expected. How I had to start over--yet again--and I had no idea it was coming. How I find myself on a completely different road than I thought I would be one year ago. How it took me about six months to figure out that I was in a MUCH BETTER PLACE than I was one year ago.

It was a long slog from November. Perhaps akin to a long climb up a steep hill, and shit, I'm already in my granny gear. But you turn the pedals over. And then you do it again. There are at least 5 false summits, of course. :) But I think I finally made it to the top (of THAT hill, at least, haha).

But it's MY ROAD, and I'm going to ride it how I wanna.

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My mother is convinced that signing up for IronMan means giving up on other things that I want from my life. She's wrong. Sure, training is going to be a bit of a beast come June through August next year, but in my life, I don't think I've ever done anything more self-affirming than what I did today.

Fuck those disorderly ducks. They are never going to line up. For the record, Mom: I'm not giving up on ANYTHING by making this choice.

I love this day.

That is all.

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