Peace of My Heart

"Once I had a love and it was a gas
Soon turned out had a heart of glass
Seemed like the real thing, only to find
Much of mistrust, love's gone behind
Once I had a love and it was divine
Soon found out I was losing my mind
It seemed like the real thing but I was so blind
Much of mistrust, love's gone behind

In between
What I find is pleasing and I'm feeling fine
Love is so confusing there's no peace of mind
If I fear I'm losing you it's just no good
You teasing like you do."

--"Heart of Glass," Blondie.

Huh, that's funny. When I have an idea for a new blog post concept, I usually google a bit to find some song lyrics that seem to get at some corner of what I'm thinking or experiencing. I certainly have heard the above song dozens of times, and I probably even knew some of the lyrics, but I didn't know just how apt Debbie Harry's lyrics were.

I've been in love. I have been in relationships with people who said they loved me. Looking back on those relationships, things were (wrong, weird, bad, whatever) with them such that I was essentially losing my mind at the end.

This past year, (yes--it has been over a year since my last breakup), I have felt pretty darn fine. I tried to let go of fear (mostly of getting old and never becoming a mom, to put it bluntly) and just enjoy myself. I followed my joy wherever it lead me. Oddly, it led me up a mountain on my bike over and over, which I never would have expected, but nonetheless, I just. HAD. FUN.

But, deep down, there was something clawing at my heart. Who am I fooling: it wasn't deep down. It was just below the surface. As long as I didn't think about it or talk about it too much, I could pretend it wasn't there, but then it would creep up and I had to acknowledge...

I want love. I want to love and be loved. I want to have a partner. A man. Someone who I can be nice to and who will be nice back to me. Someone I can count on. Someone who will help me through challenging weeks (like this past one) and who will let me help him. Someone who wants a partnered life. Who wants a family (eventually). Someone who will be strong enough to weather the storms of life. Someone who can let me go ride my bike up a mountain--he can join if he wants!

So, this summer and fall I decided I had to get back in the game and try to find him. Again. Oh, dating. Trying to "have fun dating" is a cross between a challenge and a joke. And online dating... puke. It was certainly fun to get the messages from the lovely boyz 10-15 years my junior, who just wanted me to give them a chance... But contemplating playing with them always reminded me that I am looking for a man. I was often encouraged to just go PLAY, but I knew it would be more painful than fun.

My stupid weak heart. Ugh. My mind, my body: I have trained them to be strong, athletic, and disciplined. My heart is a pile of mush. Well, there is a thin layer of iron around it, and I will pretend that layer is thick as long as I can get away with it.

Yeah, shit. I'm at a place where I can't get away with it.

There's a boy. A guy. A man, actually. And I like him. He makes me smile and laugh, and, and he keeps me on my toes in fun ways. And I'm in that place in the "relationship" where I have like, NO peace of mind. I want to keep having fun with him as we have been (hence getting to this place). I want to keep getting to know him. I want to spend more time with him.

I might could maybe want more.

But my damn heart. UGH. I want to let it care about him. I've been protecting it. Not letting it free. Not allowing myself to start to love again. It gets all panicky when it thinks it could get stomped on again. And then I act like a moron.

And I'm not a moron.

I'm a confident, self-aware, self-directed, fun-loving, fun-having, successful gal who has been a little unlucky in love. There's nothing abnormal about wanting a boyfriend/man to love/possible partner. There's nothing abnormal about having been a little unlucky.

My sister, the wonderwoman, asked me some questions about the current man up for evaluation.

"Does he ever make you feel bad about yourself?"

No. Kinda like never. He makes me feel glad I'm me. There was one moment where he was making fun of me, and I went to THAT PLACE WHERE I LIVED HALF MY LIFE (i.e., hating my very existence), but it wasn't him doing it. It was me. He was just making fun of me, legitimately. I said something kinda silly and I deserved it.

"Do you feel like you can ask for what you want?"

Aside from my own inability to articulate my needs? Yes. I can ask for what I want. I don't usually know how. And that is my problem. I never got good at it because the men I've been in relationships with have been assholes who never cared what I want. I stumble over my words when I want to ask for something. I tried to ask for things with H2, and it brought on such a negative response that I learned to shut up.

So here I am: practiced, learned, trained in so many things, and a complete moron at articulating my relationship needs.

I want to know if it's okay to let myself start to care more for the current fella. And I friggin' just don't know how to ask in a way that I will get an answer that isn't something I will read into and turn into the wrong thing.

I'm tired of being a relationship moron and blaming it on the jerks who came before the current guy.

Tips? Suggestions?