"So maybe I should put up a fight
I'll call them back and borrow a box knife
So I can learn to live with all the stupid shit I've been doing since '99
And I know I could be more clever,
And I know I could be more strong.
--fun. "Out On the Town."
So, I've had two very different people talk to me about relationship games. The woman (roughly my age) gave me this book, and the man (roughly my father's age, or a bit older) advises me a bit like the book.
The thing is...
This isn't "Survivor." It's not about "Outwit, Outlast, Outplay."
Do I have to try so hard? I just want to be me. I'm not clever.
Monday, January 7, 2013
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Good News!
***EDITED March 11, 2013***
"People, people
Have you heard the good news?
There's people, people
They're running just like you.
Today, I say
It's all that matters for now
For you and I, Wooo
So people, people
Make some good ol' love!"
--AWOLNATION, "People, people."
2013 Race Schedule
3/16/13 Rock N Roll USA Half Marathon
4/7/13 Cherry Blossom 10-Miler
5/19/13 Columbia Triathlon
6/9/13 IronMan EagleMan 70.3 Triathlon
6/23/13 Garrett County Gran Fondo
7/06/13 Total 200
8/18/13 IronMan Mont Tremblant Triathlon
9/8/13 Nations Triathlon
9/29/13 IronMan Augusta 70.3 Triathlon
10/26/13 Marin Triathlon
Here we go.
"People, people
Have you heard the good news?
There's people, people
They're running just like you.
Today, I say
It's all that matters for now
For you and I, Wooo
So people, people
Make some good ol' love!"
--AWOLNATION, "People, people."
2013 Race Schedule
3/16/13 Rock N Roll USA Half Marathon
4/7/13 Cherry Blossom 10-Miler
5/19/13 Columbia Triathlon
6/9/13 IronMan EagleMan 70.3 Triathlon
6/23/13 Garrett County Gran Fondo
7/06/13 Total 200
8/18/13 IronMan Mont Tremblant Triathlon
9/8/13 Nations Triathlon
9/29/13 IronMan Augusta 70.3 Triathlon
10/26/13 Marin Triathlon
Here we go.
Thursday, December 13, 2012
It Burns
"Just because it burns
Doesn't mean you're gonna die
You've gotta get up and try, try, try."
--Pink, "Try."
Well, back to the drawing board.
:)
Doesn't mean you're gonna die
You've gotta get up and try, try, try."
--Pink, "Try."
Well, back to the drawing board.
:)
Saturday, December 1, 2012
The First of December
"Sweet Baby James"
There is a young cowboy, he lives on the range.
His horse and his cattle are his only companions.
He works in the saddle and he sleeps in the canyons,
waiting for summer, his pastures to change.
And as the moon rises he sits by his fire,
thinking about women and glasses of beer.
And closing his eyes as the doggies retire,
he sings out a song which is soft but it's clear
as if maybe someone could hear...
Goodnight you moon light ladies,
rock-a-bye sweet baby James.
Deep greens and blues are the colors I choose,
won't you let me go down in my dreams?
And rock-a-bye sweet baby James.
Now the first of December was covered with snow
and so was the turnpike from Stockbridge to Boston.
Though the Berkshires seemed dreamlike on account of that frosting,
with ten miles behind me and ten thousand more to go.
There's a song that they sing when they take to the highway,
a song that they sing when they take to the sea,
a song that they sing of their home in the sky,
maybe you can believe it if it helps you to sleep,
but singing works just fine for me.
So, goodnight you moon light ladies,
rock-a-bye sweet baby James.
Deep greens and blues are the colors I choose,
won't you let me go down in my dreams?
And rock-a-bye sweet baby James.
There is a young cowboy, he lives on the range.
His horse and his cattle are his only companions.
He works in the saddle and he sleeps in the canyons,
waiting for summer, his pastures to change.
And as the moon rises he sits by his fire,
thinking about women and glasses of beer.
And closing his eyes as the doggies retire,
he sings out a song which is soft but it's clear
as if maybe someone could hear...
Goodnight you moon light ladies,
rock-a-bye sweet baby James.
Deep greens and blues are the colors I choose,
won't you let me go down in my dreams?
And rock-a-bye sweet baby James.
Now the first of December was covered with snow
and so was the turnpike from Stockbridge to Boston.
Though the Berkshires seemed dreamlike on account of that frosting,
with ten miles behind me and ten thousand more to go.
There's a song that they sing when they take to the highway,
a song that they sing when they take to the sea,
a song that they sing of their home in the sky,
maybe you can believe it if it helps you to sleep,
but singing works just fine for me.
So, goodnight you moon light ladies,
rock-a-bye sweet baby James.
Deep greens and blues are the colors I choose,
won't you let me go down in my dreams?
And rock-a-bye sweet baby James.
Friday, November 30, 2012
Peace of My Heart
"Once I had a love and it was a gas
Soon turned out had a heart of glass
Seemed like the real thing, only to find
Much of mistrust, love's gone behind
Once I had a love and it was divine
Soon found out I was losing my mind
It seemed like the real thing but I was so blind
Much of mistrust, love's gone behind
In between
What I find is pleasing and I'm feeling fine
Love is so confusing there's no peace of mind
If I fear I'm losing you it's just no good
You teasing like you do."
--"Heart of Glass," Blondie.
Huh, that's funny. When I have an idea for a new blog post concept, I usually google a bit to find some song lyrics that seem to get at some corner of what I'm thinking or experiencing. I certainly have heard the above song dozens of times, and I probably even knew some of the lyrics, but I didn't know just how apt Debbie Harry's lyrics were.
I've been in love. I have been in relationships with people who said they loved me. Looking back on those relationships, things were (wrong, weird, bad, whatever) with them such that I was essentially losing my mind at the end.
This past year, (yes--it has been over a year since my last breakup), I have felt pretty darn fine. I tried to let go of fear (mostly of getting old and never becoming a mom, to put it bluntly) and just enjoy myself. I followed my joy wherever it lead me. Oddly, it led me up a mountain on my bike over and over, which I never would have expected, but nonetheless, I just. HAD. FUN.
But, deep down, there was something clawing at my heart. Who am I fooling: it wasn't deep down. It was just below the surface. As long as I didn't think about it or talk about it too much, I could pretend it wasn't there, but then it would creep up and I had to acknowledge...
I want love. I want to love and be loved. I want to have a partner. A man. Someone who I can be nice to and who will be nice back to me. Someone I can count on. Someone who will help me through challenging weeks (like this past one) and who will let me help him. Someone who wants a partnered life. Who wants a family (eventually). Someone who will be strong enough to weather the storms of life. Someone who can let me go ride my bike up a mountain--he can join if he wants!
So, this summer and fall I decided I had to get back in the game and try to find him. Again. Oh, dating. Trying to "have fun dating" is a cross between a challenge and a joke. And online dating... puke. It was certainly fun to get the messages from the lovely boyz 10-15 years my junior, who just wanted me to give them a chance... But contemplating playing with them always reminded me that I am looking for a man. I was often encouraged to just go PLAY, but I knew it would be more painful than fun.
My stupid weak heart. Ugh. My mind, my body: I have trained them to be strong, athletic, and disciplined. My heart is a pile of mush. Well, there is a thin layer of iron around it, and I will pretend that layer is thick as long as I can get away with it.
Yeah, shit. I'm at a place where I can't get away with it.
There's a boy. A guy. A man, actually. And I like him. He makes me smile and laugh, and, and he keeps me on my toes in fun ways. And I'm in that place in the "relationship" where I have like, NO peace of mind. I want to keep having fun with him as we have been (hence getting to this place). I want to keep getting to know him. I want to spend more time with him.
I might could maybe want more.
But my damn heart. UGH. I want to let it care about him. I've been protecting it. Not letting it free. Not allowing myself to start to love again. It gets all panicky when it thinks it could get stomped on again. And then I act like a moron.
And I'm not a moron.
I'm a confident, self-aware, self-directed, fun-loving, fun-having, successful gal who has been a little unlucky in love. There's nothing abnormal about wanting a boyfriend/man to love/possible partner. There's nothing abnormal about having been a little unlucky.
My sister, the wonderwoman, asked me some questions about the current man up for evaluation.
"Does he ever make you feel bad about yourself?"
No. Kinda like never. He makes me feel glad I'm me. There was one moment where he was making fun of me, and I went to THAT PLACE WHERE I LIVED HALF MY LIFE (i.e., hating my very existence), but it wasn't him doing it. It was me. He was just making fun of me, legitimately. I said something kinda silly and I deserved it.
"Do you feel like you can ask for what you want?"
Aside from my own inability to articulate my needs? Yes. I can ask for what I want. I don't usually know how. And that is my problem. I never got good at it because the men I've been in relationships with have been assholes who never cared what I want. I stumble over my words when I want to ask for something. I tried to ask for things with H2, and it brought on such a negative response that I learned to shut up.
So here I am: practiced, learned, trained in so many things, and a complete moron at articulating my relationship needs.
I want to know if it's okay to let myself start to care more for the current fella. And I friggin' just don't know how to ask in a way that I will get an answer that isn't something I will read into and turn into the wrong thing.
I'm tired of being a relationship moron and blaming it on the jerks who came before the current guy.
Tips? Suggestions?
Soon turned out had a heart of glass
Seemed like the real thing, only to find
Much of mistrust, love's gone behind
Once I had a love and it was divine
Soon found out I was losing my mind
It seemed like the real thing but I was so blind
Much of mistrust, love's gone behind
In between
What I find is pleasing and I'm feeling fine
Love is so confusing there's no peace of mind
If I fear I'm losing you it's just no good
You teasing like you do."
--"Heart of Glass," Blondie.
Huh, that's funny. When I have an idea for a new blog post concept, I usually google a bit to find some song lyrics that seem to get at some corner of what I'm thinking or experiencing. I certainly have heard the above song dozens of times, and I probably even knew some of the lyrics, but I didn't know just how apt Debbie Harry's lyrics were.
I've been in love. I have been in relationships with people who said they loved me. Looking back on those relationships, things were (wrong, weird, bad, whatever) with them such that I was essentially losing my mind at the end.
This past year, (yes--it has been over a year since my last breakup), I have felt pretty darn fine. I tried to let go of fear (mostly of getting old and never becoming a mom, to put it bluntly) and just enjoy myself. I followed my joy wherever it lead me. Oddly, it led me up a mountain on my bike over and over, which I never would have expected, but nonetheless, I just. HAD. FUN.
But, deep down, there was something clawing at my heart. Who am I fooling: it wasn't deep down. It was just below the surface. As long as I didn't think about it or talk about it too much, I could pretend it wasn't there, but then it would creep up and I had to acknowledge...
I want love. I want to love and be loved. I want to have a partner. A man. Someone who I can be nice to and who will be nice back to me. Someone I can count on. Someone who will help me through challenging weeks (like this past one) and who will let me help him. Someone who wants a partnered life. Who wants a family (eventually). Someone who will be strong enough to weather the storms of life. Someone who can let me go ride my bike up a mountain--he can join if he wants!
So, this summer and fall I decided I had to get back in the game and try to find him. Again. Oh, dating. Trying to "have fun dating" is a cross between a challenge and a joke. And online dating... puke. It was certainly fun to get the messages from the lovely boyz 10-15 years my junior, who just wanted me to give them a chance... But contemplating playing with them always reminded me that I am looking for a man. I was often encouraged to just go PLAY, but I knew it would be more painful than fun.
My stupid weak heart. Ugh. My mind, my body: I have trained them to be strong, athletic, and disciplined. My heart is a pile of mush. Well, there is a thin layer of iron around it, and I will pretend that layer is thick as long as I can get away with it.
Yeah, shit. I'm at a place where I can't get away with it.
There's a boy. A guy. A man, actually. And I like him. He makes me smile and laugh, and, and he keeps me on my toes in fun ways. And I'm in that place in the "relationship" where I have like, NO peace of mind. I want to keep having fun with him as we have been (hence getting to this place). I want to keep getting to know him. I want to spend more time with him.
I might could maybe want more.
But my damn heart. UGH. I want to let it care about him. I've been protecting it. Not letting it free. Not allowing myself to start to love again. It gets all panicky when it thinks it could get stomped on again. And then I act like a moron.
And I'm not a moron.
I'm a confident, self-aware, self-directed, fun-loving, fun-having, successful gal who has been a little unlucky in love. There's nothing abnormal about wanting a boyfriend/man to love/possible partner. There's nothing abnormal about having been a little unlucky.
My sister, the wonderwoman, asked me some questions about the current man up for evaluation.
"Does he ever make you feel bad about yourself?"
No. Kinda like never. He makes me feel glad I'm me. There was one moment where he was making fun of me, and I went to THAT PLACE WHERE I LIVED HALF MY LIFE (i.e., hating my very existence), but it wasn't him doing it. It was me. He was just making fun of me, legitimately. I said something kinda silly and I deserved it.
"Do you feel like you can ask for what you want?"
Aside from my own inability to articulate my needs? Yes. I can ask for what I want. I don't usually know how. And that is my problem. I never got good at it because the men I've been in relationships with have been assholes who never cared what I want. I stumble over my words when I want to ask for something. I tried to ask for things with H2, and it brought on such a negative response that I learned to shut up.
So here I am: practiced, learned, trained in so many things, and a complete moron at articulating my relationship needs.
I want to know if it's okay to let myself start to care more for the current fella. And I friggin' just don't know how to ask in a way that I will get an answer that isn't something I will read into and turn into the wrong thing.
I'm tired of being a relationship moron and blaming it on the jerks who came before the current guy.
Tips? Suggestions?
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Misunderstood
"Miss independent
Miss self-sufficient
Miss keep your distance, mmmm
Miss unafraid
Miss out of my way
Miss don't let a man interfere, no
Miss on her own
Miss almost grown
Miss never let a man help her off her throne."
--"Miss Independent," Kelly Clarkson.
I am seriously, seriously tired of being told I'm "intimidating."
So friggin' tired of it.
It's funny, because my sister thinks that I am TOO NICE to men that I date. She thinks I bend over backward for others, putting my own needs second.
I am so, so confused. I'm literally torn over it. Part of me laughs, and thinks, "PAMF! You must be pretty LOW on yourself to be scared of me." And part of me cries, because... I'm just a girl, looking for a boy.
I actually googled it today, and this actually made me feel better.
Temporarily.
Miss self-sufficient
Miss keep your distance, mmmm
Miss unafraid
Miss out of my way
Miss don't let a man interfere, no
Miss on her own
Miss almost grown
Miss never let a man help her off her throne."
--"Miss Independent," Kelly Clarkson.
I am seriously, seriously tired of being told I'm "intimidating."
So friggin' tired of it.
It's funny, because my sister thinks that I am TOO NICE to men that I date. She thinks I bend over backward for others, putting my own needs second.
I am so, so confused. I'm literally torn over it. Part of me laughs, and thinks, "PAMF! You must be pretty LOW on yourself to be scared of me." And part of me cries, because... I'm just a girl, looking for a boy.
I actually googled it today, and this actually made me feel better.
Temporarily.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
It's My Road
"My body tells me no,
But I won't quit
Cause I want more."
--"My Body," Young the Giant.
It's late and I'm tired and I will probably ramble in this post, but there are cupcakes in the oven and I am in the mood to write, so here goes.
It's been a long time.
Today was a big day for me. I'm probably going to start crying as I write this. I registered for my very first IronMan triathlon today.
HOLY SHITBALLS. I'm going to do IronMan. And yes, coach, I want to finish, so I understand that this is about pacing and not "shredding the bike course."
IronMan. What the hell. I always said, "When I'm ready, it will be there." And I always thought it would be years before I would be ready. I had all these ideas about when it would happen. All these plans about waiting for the timing *of everything* to be right. For the ducks to be lined up.
But the ducks, they fucking never line up. Damn ducks!
And there I was, in 105-degree weather, racing the General Smallwood Triathlon, singing to myself the song quoted above, care of an old high school friend who actually MAILED me (like, USPS, for reals) a MIX CD with that song chosen specifically because she knows I like to do these crazy triathlon things...
[BEGIN MUSHY PHILOSOPHICAL TRIATHLON SHIT]
And it hit me. As I was zooming through the rolling hills of Indianhead, MD, I starting laughing. First to myself, and then right out loud. And then I yelled.
"I'm going to do IronMan!"
The next day I was driving up to IKEA with my friend Ellen (who had wisely opted out of General Smallwood). She did IMoo in 2011 and IMNJ (haha) in 2012. She asked me why I thought the timing was right.
And I told her.
I love every second. I love Pad Thai for lunch the day before a race and packing my transition bag. I love driving however far I have to go with however many friends need a ride to some awesome location with bikes on the roof and making oatmeal and coffee in random hotel rooms at 4 in the morning on race day. I love setting up my bike and gear and nutrition and wondering how accurate the course maps were that I studied for weeks.
I love guessing how far into the swim I will be before the speed demons in the wave behind me will catch up. I love how every time I jump in the water, I get a rush that I can actually SWIM in OPEN WATER for HOWEVER LONG THE COURSE IS. I love that moment in the middle where I'm thinking "Damn this swim is long, but hey, I'm out in the middle of (body of water) and if I keep swimming in the general direction of that yellow thing WAY the hell away, I will eventually be on land again!"
I love running into T1 and wondering why it took me so damn long to get there. :)
I love that my T1 time is half of what it was 3 years ago.
I love getting on my BAMF of a bike and yelling "ON YOUR LEFT" to all the ladies who swam faster than me. I love passing boys with "20" on their calves and laughing as they try to keep up. I love that I can finally grab a bottle being handed off by a volunteer. I love that I see countrysides and hills and roads all over the country that most people either don't see or don't remember.
I love drafting for exactly 14 seconds.
I love putting my running shoes on and the feeling of "YAHOO! I'm gonna do it!!" as I take each step along the course. I love aid stations that have cups only half full of water. I love GU. I love mile marker parties, usually hosted by me. I love coming down the chute and adjusting my number and tri top for perfect finish line photos.
And I'm going to love every second, every pain, pinch, fuck-up, triumph, pothole, bottle of water, peanut butter sandwich, ounce of chamois cream, and every single one of the 140.6 miles that will constitute IronMan Mont-Tremblant on August 18, 2013.
[END MUSHY PHILOSOPHICAL TRIATHLON SHIT]
***************************************
And there is more to say. About how I got here, and how this year wasn't what I expected. How I had to start over--yet again--and I had no idea it was coming. How I find myself on a completely different road than I thought I would be one year ago. How it took me about six months to figure out that I was in a MUCH BETTER PLACE than I was one year ago.
It was a long slog from November. Perhaps akin to a long climb up a steep hill, and shit, I'm already in my granny gear. But you turn the pedals over. And then you do it again. There are at least 5 false summits, of course. :) But I think I finally made it to the top (of THAT hill, at least, haha).
But it's MY ROAD, and I'm going to ride it how I wanna.
***************************************
My mother is convinced that signing up for IronMan means giving up on other things that I want from my life. She's wrong. Sure, training is going to be a bit of a beast come June through August next year, but in my life, I don't think I've ever done anything more self-affirming than what I did today.
Fuck those disorderly ducks. They are never going to line up. For the record, Mom: I'm not giving up on ANYTHING by making this choice.
I love this day.
That is all.
***************************************
But I won't quit
Cause I want more."
--"My Body," Young the Giant.
It's late and I'm tired and I will probably ramble in this post, but there are cupcakes in the oven and I am in the mood to write, so here goes.
It's been a long time.
Today was a big day for me. I'm probably going to start crying as I write this. I registered for my very first IronMan triathlon today.
HOLY SHITBALLS. I'm going to do IronMan. And yes, coach, I want to finish, so I understand that this is about pacing and not "shredding the bike course."
IronMan. What the hell. I always said, "When I'm ready, it will be there." And I always thought it would be years before I would be ready. I had all these ideas about when it would happen. All these plans about waiting for the timing *of everything* to be right. For the ducks to be lined up.
But the ducks, they fucking never line up. Damn ducks!
And there I was, in 105-degree weather, racing the General Smallwood Triathlon, singing to myself the song quoted above, care of an old high school friend who actually MAILED me (like, USPS, for reals) a MIX CD with that song chosen specifically because she knows I like to do these crazy triathlon things...
[BEGIN MUSHY PHILOSOPHICAL TRIATHLON SHIT]
And it hit me. As I was zooming through the rolling hills of Indianhead, MD, I starting laughing. First to myself, and then right out loud. And then I yelled.
"I'm going to do IronMan!"
The next day I was driving up to IKEA with my friend Ellen (who had wisely opted out of General Smallwood). She did IMoo in 2011 and IMNJ (haha) in 2012. She asked me why I thought the timing was right.
And I told her.
I love every second. I love Pad Thai for lunch the day before a race and packing my transition bag. I love driving however far I have to go with however many friends need a ride to some awesome location with bikes on the roof and making oatmeal and coffee in random hotel rooms at 4 in the morning on race day. I love setting up my bike and gear and nutrition and wondering how accurate the course maps were that I studied for weeks.
I love guessing how far into the swim I will be before the speed demons in the wave behind me will catch up. I love how every time I jump in the water, I get a rush that I can actually SWIM in OPEN WATER for HOWEVER LONG THE COURSE IS. I love that moment in the middle where I'm thinking "Damn this swim is long, but hey, I'm out in the middle of (body of water) and if I keep swimming in the general direction of that yellow thing WAY the hell away, I will eventually be on land again!"
I love running into T1 and wondering why it took me so damn long to get there. :)
I love that my T1 time is half of what it was 3 years ago.
I love getting on my BAMF of a bike and yelling "ON YOUR LEFT" to all the ladies who swam faster than me. I love passing boys with "20" on their calves and laughing as they try to keep up. I love that I can finally grab a bottle being handed off by a volunteer. I love that I see countrysides and hills and roads all over the country that most people either don't see or don't remember.
I love drafting for exactly 14 seconds.
I love putting my running shoes on and the feeling of "YAHOO! I'm gonna do it!!" as I take each step along the course. I love aid stations that have cups only half full of water. I love GU. I love mile marker parties, usually hosted by me. I love coming down the chute and adjusting my number and tri top for perfect finish line photos.
And I'm going to love every second, every pain, pinch, fuck-up, triumph, pothole, bottle of water, peanut butter sandwich, ounce of chamois cream, and every single one of the 140.6 miles that will constitute IronMan Mont-Tremblant on August 18, 2013.
[END MUSHY PHILOSOPHICAL TRIATHLON SHIT]
***************************************
And there is more to say. About how I got here, and how this year wasn't what I expected. How I had to start over--yet again--and I had no idea it was coming. How I find myself on a completely different road than I thought I would be one year ago. How it took me about six months to figure out that I was in a MUCH BETTER PLACE than I was one year ago.
It was a long slog from November. Perhaps akin to a long climb up a steep hill, and shit, I'm already in my granny gear. But you turn the pedals over. And then you do it again. There are at least 5 false summits, of course. :) But I think I finally made it to the top (of THAT hill, at least, haha).
But it's MY ROAD, and I'm going to ride it how I wanna.
***************************************
My mother is convinced that signing up for IronMan means giving up on other things that I want from my life. She's wrong. Sure, training is going to be a bit of a beast come June through August next year, but in my life, I don't think I've ever done anything more self-affirming than what I did today.
Fuck those disorderly ducks. They are never going to line up. For the record, Mom: I'm not giving up on ANYTHING by making this choice.
I love this day.
That is all.
***************************************
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