"To change the world,
Start with one step.
However small,
The first step is hardest of all.
Once you get your gate,
You'll be walking tall."
--Dave Matthews Band, "You Might Die Trying."
Birthdays, holidays, anniversaries... Why do we remember such things? There is something about major markers in our lives that make us stop, reflect, and evaluate ourselves. I suppose we are inherently achievers; perhaps that is an evolutionary trait. Survival of the adapters.
In 2001, cargo pants were really cool (sorry for those who still sport them--they probably aren't cool anymore, but I don't know because I can't dress myself). I was in graduate school.
"I love cargo pants! I mean, they are so flattering! They even look good on Abby!"
Her name was Katherine. As soon as the words came out of her mouth, she looked like she swallowed a frog, and she started stammering.
I let her off the hook, as I was quite capable of doing at the time.
The irony (if I'm using that term correctly, which I am careful to do):
Katherine was a triathlete. That was over twelve years ago, when I weighed 205 pounds.
I celebrate this date with a few thoughts:
A) I am old. :)
B) I have some pretty friggin' fabulous legs (so modest!).
C) "Lifestyle change" is fun.
No but seriously. Maybe once upon a time it seemed like fun to be lazy and eat burritos the size of my head, but I've never had more fun in my life than right now.
No, right now.
Or, right.... now.
Friday, January 25, 2013
Monday, January 21, 2013
Who We Want To Be
"We're old enough for leaving home
The old Joanna and the old trombone
It's all going on,
I'm growing my sideboards long
Hey, you and me can be who we want to be
Listen now, right here
It's gonna be a beautiful year."
--Mark Knopfler, "We Can Get Wild."
Recently, someone asked me, "Are you happy?"
At that particular moment, the smile I was wearing was likely bigger than my face could contain.
I answered honestly. Yes. Yes, very much.
I've had some pretty amazing conversations with the question's asker, and during one (also, recently) I was rambling on with my psychoanalysis of a mutual acquaintance's "life narrative"--that is, the story he tells about himself. I think each of us has a narrative, and only when self-awareness and humility are fully present do we accept our own role in our life narratives. That person tells a story about himself like a broken record. But, he doesn't realize or accept his own role in that story, and it may take quite sometime for him to break free.
Also (again, recently!), my ex-boyfriend (let's call him exBF2) wrote me an e-mail saying I left a toaster oven in the storage, and did I want it back.
All of these seemingly unrelated (recent) happenings are threads of a thought that has been weaving itself in my mind for a while. If you occasionally read this wretched blog, you may have noticed that I haven't been posting anything particularly substantive lately. Mostly just race schedules, random song lyrics, sometimes a link. My posts have not been like the early heavy stuff when I started writing few years ago.
To be honest, I haven't read my own ramblings in a while. Today, I went back and looked at some of the things I posted a few years ago, and this thing that has been weaving itself finally unfolded.
I am.
Happy.
Happy doesn't mean I have everything that I want. Happy doesn't mean I have it all figured out. Happy doesn't mean I want my life to stay the same as it is right now forever and ever.
For me, happy means my narrative has changed.
The older gentleman I coached through his first triathlon asked me about 2 months ago what I learned from my last failed relationship (the one that resulted in the toaster oven question). When he asked, I struggled with an answer. I have loathed exBF2--even more than exH2, the one who did despicable things. I didn't want to think that HE (exBF2) had taught ME anything.
I probably quipped, "I learned I hate him and I never want to see him ever again."
Since then, I've challenged myself to come up with a real answer. In part, I have done so in an effort to fully demonstrate (to myself) that I am, as claimed, over it.
I think I got it: I learned that I am happy!
I learned that I like myself, and that I don't have to contort myself into being someone I'm not to have a relationship.
Hyperactive, nerdy, over-achieving, opinionated, bold, emotional, caring, outgoing, generous me... I like me. I am, at my core, a happy person. Sometimes life makes water come out of my eyes, but it also makes me laaaaaaaaaaaaaugh laugh laugh, and, I always wish for good things for people. I am certainly doggedly persistent, but to that, I just shrug my shoulders and say, "Yep! That's me! Nope! I don't give up!"
This is a completely different story than the one I told myself about myself not so long ago. Yes, when I'm tired, and overworked, and cranky, I might dwell on the things that I would change about my life if I could. And water might come out of my eyes every now and then. But deep down, this year or so that I haven't been dating exBF2, I have learned how to truly enjoy myself, the experiences in my life, and my friends and family.
My baseline has shifted.
Thank you, so much, for asking!
Do I think there are things that would make me happiER? Why yes, indeed. Ask me what they are. I'm pretty sure I have an idea what might work. It's not a toaster oven. :)
The old Joanna and the old trombone
It's all going on,
I'm growing my sideboards long
Hey, you and me can be who we want to be
Listen now, right here
It's gonna be a beautiful year."
--Mark Knopfler, "We Can Get Wild."
Recently, someone asked me, "Are you happy?"
At that particular moment, the smile I was wearing was likely bigger than my face could contain.
I answered honestly. Yes. Yes, very much.
I've had some pretty amazing conversations with the question's asker, and during one (also, recently) I was rambling on with my psychoanalysis of a mutual acquaintance's "life narrative"--that is, the story he tells about himself. I think each of us has a narrative, and only when self-awareness and humility are fully present do we accept our own role in our life narratives. That person tells a story about himself like a broken record. But, he doesn't realize or accept his own role in that story, and it may take quite sometime for him to break free.
Also (again, recently!), my ex-boyfriend (let's call him exBF2) wrote me an e-mail saying I left a toaster oven in the storage, and did I want it back.
All of these seemingly unrelated (recent) happenings are threads of a thought that has been weaving itself in my mind for a while. If you occasionally read this wretched blog, you may have noticed that I haven't been posting anything particularly substantive lately. Mostly just race schedules, random song lyrics, sometimes a link. My posts have not been like the early heavy stuff when I started writing few years ago.
To be honest, I haven't read my own ramblings in a while. Today, I went back and looked at some of the things I posted a few years ago, and this thing that has been weaving itself finally unfolded.
I am.
Happy.
Happy doesn't mean I have everything that I want. Happy doesn't mean I have it all figured out. Happy doesn't mean I want my life to stay the same as it is right now forever and ever.
For me, happy means my narrative has changed.
The older gentleman I coached through his first triathlon asked me about 2 months ago what I learned from my last failed relationship (the one that resulted in the toaster oven question). When he asked, I struggled with an answer. I have loathed exBF2--even more than exH2, the one who did despicable things. I didn't want to think that HE (exBF2) had taught ME anything.
I probably quipped, "I learned I hate him and I never want to see him ever again."
Since then, I've challenged myself to come up with a real answer. In part, I have done so in an effort to fully demonstrate (to myself) that I am, as claimed, over it.
I think I got it: I learned that I am happy!
I learned that I like myself, and that I don't have to contort myself into being someone I'm not to have a relationship.
Hyperactive, nerdy, over-achieving, opinionated, bold, emotional, caring, outgoing, generous me... I like me. I am, at my core, a happy person. Sometimes life makes water come out of my eyes, but it also makes me laaaaaaaaaaaaaugh laugh laugh, and, I always wish for good things for people. I am certainly doggedly persistent, but to that, I just shrug my shoulders and say, "Yep! That's me! Nope! I don't give up!"
This is a completely different story than the one I told myself about myself not so long ago. Yes, when I'm tired, and overworked, and cranky, I might dwell on the things that I would change about my life if I could. And water might come out of my eyes every now and then. But deep down, this year or so that I haven't been dating exBF2, I have learned how to truly enjoy myself, the experiences in my life, and my friends and family.
My baseline has shifted.
Thank you, so much, for asking!
Do I think there are things that would make me happiER? Why yes, indeed. Ask me what they are. I'm pretty sure I have an idea what might work. It's not a toaster oven. :)
Saturday, January 19, 2013
Starts Right Here
"Oh, my heart is a thoroughbred
I can't sleep in my bed
Everything is burning up inside me
I need something I can feel
Cigarettes and a driving wheel and
Oh my god, when you cross your legs beside me--
I know true love don't look like anybody else
I know your heart don't beat like anybody else
When it all comes down to kerosene
And sorry signs on cash machines
And it don't look like anything you've dreamed of
I won't let you give it up
With sorry sighs and forced bad luck
Come on baby, let's see what we're made of
I know true love don't look like anybody else
I know your heart don't beat like anybody else
And all these burning battlefields are now behind us
Life has brought us here together to remind us
That love will rise above it all and just keep growing
Life keeps flowing, and every moment starts right here with us."
--Mason Jennings, "Sorry Signs on Cash Machines."
The first time I heard this song, I fell in love with the person who gave it to me. It is the most romantic song I've ever heard in my life. There's not much more I can say about it, because it says everything on its own.
I can't sleep in my bed
Everything is burning up inside me
I need something I can feel
Cigarettes and a driving wheel and
Oh my god, when you cross your legs beside me--
I know true love don't look like anybody else
I know your heart don't beat like anybody else
When it all comes down to kerosene
And sorry signs on cash machines
And it don't look like anything you've dreamed of
I won't let you give it up
With sorry sighs and forced bad luck
Come on baby, let's see what we're made of
I know true love don't look like anybody else
I know your heart don't beat like anybody else
And all these burning battlefields are now behind us
Life has brought us here together to remind us
That love will rise above it all and just keep growing
Life keeps flowing, and every moment starts right here with us."
--Mason Jennings, "Sorry Signs on Cash Machines."
The first time I heard this song, I fell in love with the person who gave it to me. It is the most romantic song I've ever heard in my life. There's not much more I can say about it, because it says everything on its own.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
It's Time
"I've had enough of danger
And people on the streets
I'm looking out for angels
Just trying to find some peace
Now I think it's time
That you let me know
So if you love me
Say you love me
But if you don't just let me go."
--George Michael, "One More Try."
Carolyn Hax is my guru. If you don't read her column, you're just wrong.
And people on the streets
I'm looking out for angels
Just trying to find some peace
Now I think it's time
That you let me know
So if you love me
Say you love me
But if you don't just let me go."
--George Michael, "One More Try."
Carolyn Hax is my guru. If you don't read her column, you're just wrong.
Monday, January 7, 2013
Since '99
"So maybe I should put up a fight
I'll call them back and borrow a box knife
So I can learn to live with all the stupid shit I've been doing since '99
And I know I could be more clever,
And I know I could be more strong.
--fun. "Out On the Town."
So, I've had two very different people talk to me about relationship games. The woman (roughly my age) gave me this book, and the man (roughly my father's age, or a bit older) advises me a bit like the book.
The thing is...
This isn't "Survivor." It's not about "Outwit, Outlast, Outplay."
Do I have to try so hard? I just want to be me. I'm not clever.
I'll call them back and borrow a box knife
So I can learn to live with all the stupid shit I've been doing since '99
And I know I could be more clever,
And I know I could be more strong.
--fun. "Out On the Town."
So, I've had two very different people talk to me about relationship games. The woman (roughly my age) gave me this book, and the man (roughly my father's age, or a bit older) advises me a bit like the book.
The thing is...
This isn't "Survivor." It's not about "Outwit, Outlast, Outplay."
Do I have to try so hard? I just want to be me. I'm not clever.
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Good News!
***EDITED March 11, 2013***
"People, people
Have you heard the good news?
There's people, people
They're running just like you.
Today, I say
It's all that matters for now
For you and I, Wooo
So people, people
Make some good ol' love!"
--AWOLNATION, "People, people."
2013 Race Schedule
3/16/13 Rock N Roll USA Half Marathon
4/7/13 Cherry Blossom 10-Miler
5/19/13 Columbia Triathlon
6/9/13 IronMan EagleMan 70.3 Triathlon
6/23/13 Garrett County Gran Fondo
7/06/13 Total 200
8/18/13 IronMan Mont Tremblant Triathlon
9/8/13 Nations Triathlon
9/29/13 IronMan Augusta 70.3 Triathlon
10/26/13 Marin Triathlon
Here we go.
"People, people
Have you heard the good news?
There's people, people
They're running just like you.
Today, I say
It's all that matters for now
For you and I, Wooo
So people, people
Make some good ol' love!"
--AWOLNATION, "People, people."
2013 Race Schedule
3/16/13 Rock N Roll USA Half Marathon
4/7/13 Cherry Blossom 10-Miler
5/19/13 Columbia Triathlon
6/9/13 IronMan EagleMan 70.3 Triathlon
6/23/13 Garrett County Gran Fondo
7/06/13 Total 200
8/18/13 IronMan Mont Tremblant Triathlon
9/8/13 Nations Triathlon
9/29/13 IronMan Augusta 70.3 Triathlon
10/26/13 Marin Triathlon
Here we go.
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