Who We Want To Be

"We're old enough for leaving home
The old Joanna and the old trombone
It's all going on,
I'm growing my sideboards long
Hey, you and me can be who we want to be
Listen now, right here
It's gonna be a beautiful year."

--Mark Knopfler, "We Can Get Wild."

Recently, someone asked me, "Are you happy?"

At that particular moment, the smile I was wearing was likely bigger than my face could contain.

I answered honestly. Yes. Yes, very much.

I've had some pretty amazing conversations with the question's asker, and during one (also, recently) I was rambling on with my psychoanalysis of a mutual acquaintance's "life narrative"--that is, the story he tells about himself. I think each of us has a narrative, and only when self-awareness and humility are fully present do we accept our own role in our life narratives. That person tells a story about himself like a broken record. But, he doesn't realize or accept his own role in that story, and it may take quite sometime for him to break free.

Also (again, recently!), my ex-boyfriend (let's call him exBF2) wrote me an e-mail saying I left a toaster oven in the storage, and did I want it back.

All of these seemingly unrelated (recent) happenings are threads of a thought that has been weaving itself in my mind for a while. If you occasionally read this wretched blog, you may have noticed that I haven't been posting anything particularly substantive lately. Mostly just race schedules, random song lyrics, sometimes a link. My posts have not been like the early heavy stuff when I started writing few years ago.

To be honest, I haven't read my own ramblings in a while. Today, I went back and looked at some of the things I posted a few years ago, and this thing that has been weaving itself finally unfolded.

I am.
Happy.

Happy doesn't mean I have everything that I want. Happy doesn't mean I have it all figured out. Happy doesn't mean I want my life to stay the same as it is right now forever and ever.

For me, happy means my narrative has changed.

The older gentleman I coached through his first triathlon asked me about 2 months ago what I learned from my last failed relationship (the one that resulted in the toaster oven question). When he asked, I struggled with an answer. I have loathed exBF2--even more than exH2, the one who did despicable things. I didn't want to think that HE (exBF2) had taught ME anything.

I probably quipped, "I learned I hate him and I never want to see him ever again."

Since then, I've challenged myself to come up with a real answer. In part, I have done so in an effort to fully demonstrate (to myself) that I am, as claimed, over it.

I think I got it: I learned that I am happy!

I learned that I like myself, and that I don't have to contort myself into being someone I'm not to have a relationship.

Hyperactive, nerdy, over-achieving, opinionated, bold, emotional, caring, outgoing, generous me... I like me. I am, at my core, a happy person. Sometimes life makes water come out of my eyes, but it also makes me laaaaaaaaaaaaaugh laugh laugh, and, I always wish for good things for people. I am certainly doggedly persistent, but to that, I just shrug my shoulders and say, "Yep! That's me! Nope! I don't give up!"

This is a completely different story than the one I told myself about myself not so long ago. Yes, when I'm tired, and overworked, and cranky, I might dwell on the things that I would change about my life if I could. And water might come out of my eyes every now and then. But deep down, this year or so that I haven't been dating exBF2, I have learned how to truly enjoy myself, the experiences in my life, and my friends and family.

My baseline has shifted.

Thank you, so much, for asking!

Do I think there are things that would make me happiER? Why yes, indeed. Ask me what they are. I'm pretty sure I have an idea what might work. It's not a toaster oven. :)