Understand?

"Years go by, will I still be waiting for somebody else to understand?
Years go by, if I'm stripped of my beauty and the orange clouds raining in my head.
Years go by, will I choke on my tears 'til, finally there is nothing left?
One more casualty, you know we're too easy, easy, easy."

--Tori Amos, "Silent All These Years."

To blog or not to blog? There's a question. Clearly, I've answered it already, and I'm answering it again. Right... now.

As I mentioned in one of my first posts, there are reasons I'm doing this. And they are often--admittedly and unapologetically--selfish. Self-indulgent. But there's more to it than that. It's not just all about me, ever.

For those of you who might judge this, I offer:

1) I chose the word "unapologetically" on purpose, above.
2) I need this forum for processing and healing.
3) There are plenty of people who have been through much, much worse than I have. There are plenty of people who haven't experienced nearly the garbage that I have. We all have our own journey; however, relating to others is one way that we all find the strength to persevere. If anything that I write about is relatable in any way to another person--and I think that it is--and they find courage as a result... I would risk any kind of vulnerability for that.

There's a reason I'm writing this particular entry, and that is because lately I have felt judged for publishing some of my thoughts, and silly me feels like I need to explain.

But, I don't.

If you don't get it, you don't get it. I'm writing anyway. Thanks!

Make a Wish

"Just make a wish--
Write out a list
What's broke is fixed.

Make a wish--
What's diamonds and pearls?
You know you're my girl, I'll give you the world.

Make a wish--
I ain't talking 'bout no ifs or maybes.
No possibles, girl, you're driving me crazy."

--Jaheim, "Make a Wish."

Abby's Holiday Wish List (I reserve the right to update this!)

[ED 11/21/2010: I ordered this item yesterday, as I predicted I would....]
I'm probably going to buy this for myself in the next week:
Kurt Kinetic Road Machine. My LBS has a deal going on with the triathlon club and I'll likely just get in on that.

Really Fabulous Black Boots. I need a new pair of knee-high black boots. I've tried a few on, and I'm having this weird problem where the boots are WAY too big for my calves. [ED: Okay, I am spoiling myself. I bought these because they listed a narrower calf circumference. Will report on how they fit...]

A new Digital Camera. I hear good things about the Panasonic Lumix series.

A new, good-quality wheelaboard suitcase. Mine is going on 13 years old. I paid a lot of money for it, and I was pissed about that fact at the time, but it lasted almost 13 years. It served me well, but it's finally dying.

A popcorn air popper. I love popcorn. I love low-calorie, stuff-your-face-with-a-whole-bowl popcorn.

[ED.] I figured I should add... always acceptable: jewelery (earrings and necklaces, in particular), spa treatments (gift certificates for mani/pedis or massages), and event tickets (concerts, sporting events, shows at the Kennedy Center). If you're wondering if this information is for you, you're probably on to something. ;) Maybe a bike computer.

And lastly... I've threatened to do this for my 35th birthday, and it's fucking right around the corner. Wouldn't that be a fun day, mom? We'll go together. Take me to your girl, because what she does looks AMAZING on your forehead.

Thanks for reading! :)

Young Forever

"We can dance, until we die
You and I, will be young forever."

--Katy Perry, "Teenage Dream."

I'm currently obsessed with a cover of the above song, performed by the band, The Rescues:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5OLF6d4-Qcs.

My friend Gabriel Mann is in that band, and he is one of the most talented musicians I know. It's fun seeing him in his element. I also love the soul and sweetness of this arrangement. The original is fun and poppy, and both have their place.

Currently I'm caught somewhere between the bliss of living a teenage dream and the fear of falling... in love.

I'm not a teenager anymore. After a few giant heartbreaks, the act of letting myself fall in love is pretty fucking scary. On the one hand, the person who will be my life partner will provide a comfort like no other: a soothing that will replace the fear. Getting there is equivalent to jumping across a gigantic chasm full of dashed hopes, failed relationships, lonely nights, and doubt. But there is only one way to the other side. The reward will only be given to those who are brave enough to take the risk to get across, even if it means falling into that chasm and having to climb out... again.

The hope is that, having been through the heartbreaks before, having been "in love" and hopeful, having made plans for the rest of my life with another person, I am a little wiser. Maybe this time, instead of jumping with my eyes closed and fingers crossed, hoping to make it to the other side, the person I fall in love with will help me build a bridge. Maybe I know myself well enough after all the heartbreak that I will make good decisions. Maybe I trust myself enough to know that I will survive, even if I fall into the chasm again.

I have a few quotes displayed in my office, and one is by my favorite First Lady. I know you're guessing Hillary, but it's actually Eleanor.

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing you think you cannot do."

Mrs. Roosevelt: I will be strong, courageous, and confident!

And lest the tenor of this posting seem totally sad and pathetic...

Here's a little more of that song that I listen to in all its versions, dedicated to someone with the most amazing eyes I've ever seen and more freckles than you could ever count:

"You make me
Feel like I'm livin' a
Teenage dream
The way you turn me on
I can't sleep
Let's run away and
Don't ever look back,
Don't ever look back!

My heart stops
When you look at me
Just one touch
Now baby I believe
This is real
So take a chance and
Don't ever look back,
Don't ever look back!"

And for a Scandinavian take on things: http://www.cs.helsinki.fi/u/tkjunkka/love.html


peace.

Sisters

"Here's what we call our golden rule
Have faith in you and the things you do.
You won't go wrong
This is our family jewel."

--Sister Sledge, "We are Family."

Relationships with women are difficult.

Let me clarify that I mean this in every sense. Relationships between women are difficult. Relationships that men have with women are difficult.

When I was younger, my with relationships with other women--or girls, when we were that age--were sometimes challenging. The competitiveness, the cattiness, the fighting... I didn't navigate that world very well. I didn't connect very well with many of my girlfriends. We were friends because we did things together, or, because by some sort of strange default, none of the other popular kids wanted to be friends with us either, so we were friends with each other.

Fast forward twenty (plus) years.

I had a weekend this past weekend of all sorts of wonderful sisterness.

My ACTUAL sister and I are training for a half-marathon together (her first!) and we started this extra long weekend of mine by running 11 miles on Thursday. Then, I saw her Friday evening before my rehearsal while she was home alone with her beautiful son, allowing her husband an evening with the boys. She and I ran a race together this morning, and we crossed the finish line on her first 10k. Later in the afternoon, she attended my a cappella concert, and she hugged me with tears in her eyes. I am blessed, blessed, blessed and lucky that I get to share so much with her. I cherish this time that we live literally a mile and a half apart.

My new sisters... my Capital Blend girls... these are new women in my life, and I love and appreciate them more than I thought I would at this point.




We had our big fall concerts this weekend, and the very nice man I am dating took some lovely pictures of us.




Singing together in harmony, rehearsals, choreography... there are so many analogies to relationships.




Indeed, the way that we blend, the way that we take turns supporting each other in the spotlight, the way we back each other up (and we're backing up, backing up, backing up, backing up--'cause my daddy taught me good.... nope, no inside jokes either)...




It reminds me that women can be some of the most amazing people in whom to invest time and energy for a relationship. Even if the relationships may at times be challenging or difficult... Women can give so much. We can support so much. We have the strength to carry on, to carry others, to carry ourselves through just about anything. Believe in a woman and she will stand by you forever.

Believe in me and I will stand by you forever. Trust in me and I will trust in you. Have faith in me and my unshakeable support will be yours.

I love you, sisters. Thank you for reminding me how valuable you are, and how valuable I am for being among you.


www.capitalblendsings.com

I Know This Much Is True

"Funny how it seems
Always in time, but never in line for dreams
Head over heels, when toe to toe
This is the sound of my soul."

--Spandau Ballet, "True."


The truth isn't always pretty.

I'm aware of this fact more than any other reality, because I've been through some ugly stuff.

Most days, the ugly stuff stays where it belongs: in the past. It's not about denial as much as it is about living fully in the present, enjoying the wonderful life that I have created for myself, and honoring my strength as a human and a woman.

Sometimes, though, you have to look at the ugly stuff. Sometimes you have to do it just for yourself, and sometimes, you have to do it for someone else. Because you want to. Because the truth shall set you free.

The truth is that I was once married to someone abusive. Someone who kept me in a box, who tried to control me, who emotionally and eventually physically abused me.

Not so pretty. Not so fun. For many people, it's hard to fathom because I am so (strong, courageous, loyal, generous) NOT the kind of person who ends up in an abusive relationship. But, it happened. And I worked very, very hard to try to turn it around. And eventually I realized that my ex-husband's behavior was not something I could control or change.
No matter what I did.

It taught me to accept people as they are. It taught me about my own free will. It taught me that shame only has the power that you personally give it.

It also taught me that not everyone is someone that I want to have in my life, no matter what our history might be. It taught me that I have the power and privilege to identify and choose that which is good for ME in terms of relationships.

I find myself at the beginning of a relationship. I have no idea what it is meant to be, but I know that I'm interested in finding out. I know that it is currently a source of great excitement and fun and interest! I find myself getting to know someone who not only wants to know my truth, but who is somehow helping me share it without fear.

I BELIEVE in sharing the truth. I believe in being real. I am who I am in large part because of HOW I got here. I don't want to hide it. I am not ashamed. I cannot be afraid that the truth will be too scary for someone else to handle. It would be too exhausting and unfair to ME to pretend that it didn't happen. So it must come out, and I have to learn to trust.

Trust that I am amazing. And worth it. And being free to be me and fully express myself within a relationship is exactly what I want and deserve.

Trust that a man who can hold my hand through that conversation and make me look him in the eyes with my eyes open while saying it is an incredible person who I want to continue to get to know.

Trust that having a tough conversation would never be the end of something good.

Trust that sharing the truth makes something good become better, even if I might need my hand held to do it.

Because it's okay to need someone to hold your hand through the hard parts. We all need that sometimes. Even the strong, courageous, women of steel.

And it's even better when someone wants to do it.

And it's okay if he reads this.