"When you look into a mirror
Do you like what's looking at you?
Now that you've seen your true reflections
What on earth are you gonna do?
Find some inspiration
It's down deep inside you
Amend your situation, yeah
Your whole life is ahead of you
Your whole life is ahead of you."
--Dave Matthews Band, "True Reflections."
The lyrics above are from a song that Dave Matthews Band has been playing on the road for a few years, but they have never recorded it or released it on an album. According to antsmarching.org, in 33 concerts over the past 16 years, I have heard this song played live just once!
You read that right. 33 concerts. 16 years. My first DMB show was Lisner Auditorium in November of 1994. I was there with my sister and her then-boyfriend-now-husband to see the opening act, Rusted Root. I hadn't even heard of the Dave Matthews Band--none of us had. We decided to stick around anyway. The band opened with "Warehouse."
Hey, reckless mind. Don't throw away your playful beginnings.
And then Boyd and LeRoi started in, and the lights were flashing in time to their playing. And I was hooked.
And then there was Nissan Pavilion (now known as "Jiffy Lube Live," puke) in Bristow, VA, The Patriot Center on GMU's campus, the old US Air Arena in Maryland. Merriweather Post Pavilion in Columbia, MD. Comerica Park in Detroit. American Airlines Center in Dallas. Nissan again. Hershey Park Pennsylvania. Alpine Valley in East Troy, WI (a favorite). Saratoga Performing Arts Center in New York (anotehr favorite). Alpine. Alpine. The Kohl Center in Madison, WI. Alpine. Alpine. Verizon Wireless Music Center in Indianapolis (probably the best seating, sound, and parking IMHO). Verizon Wireless Virginia Beach Amphitheater (awesome). Nissan. DAR Constitution Hall in DC. Nationals Park in DC. Wrigley Field in Chicago.
I could expound on this part of my life--my annual spiritual renewal where I raise my arms to the heavens and thank the Universe that I'm alive, because I ain't going to no Baptist tent revival--for many, many paragraphs. Chapters, even. Can you believe it has taken me this long to mention that I MET DAVE MATTHEWS?
Anyway.
I'm writing this to reflect on the year that is coming to a close, and when I needed a quote on reflections, well, Dave always comes through for me. :)
2010.
Phew.
I almost can't talk about 2010 without including December 2009, because a lot of what happened this year evolved out of the events of that month, one year ago, almost exactly. When I broke up with the most serious boyfriend I had had since my divorce in 2008. Right between Thanksgiving and Christmas, the shit hit the fan, and it was made clear to me that the ex-BF had no intention of taking our relationship to a more committed level. He had known all along, and it took him 16 months to own up to it.
Asshole. Anyway. As rough as it was, he did me a giant favor, because I sure as hell don't want to be with someone who doesn't truly want to be with me. (In reality, *I* did me that favor, because he would have been content to keep stringing it along, and I had to be the one to buck up and end it. But anyway.)
What happened was this: I woke the hell up. To the fact that I have the strength and power to determine how *I* want to live my life. Enter 2010.
On January, 1, I registered for the Diamondman Half Iron-distance triathlon, which I massacred on September 12, 2010. Funny: when ex-BF did a Half IronMan, I pondered aloud whether I could do one. He very quickly said, "Oh, no, you couldn't do that. A Half IronMan would be beyond your limits." Ha.
In February, I took the "I don't need no stinking boyfriend" trip to Argentina, where I visited my cousin Melanie, and traveled through Buenos Aires, Mendoza, and Bariloche. I drank a shit-ton of Malbec, got a sunburn, kissed a boy WELL below my cougar cutoff, received 3 marriage proposals, slept on 2 buses, and hiked to a site so beautiful tears spontaneously came out of my eyes. Oh, ARGENTINA. It's still so surreal. Argentina. Argentina.
In March, I moved to a part of the city I LOVE, the neighborhood trying to brand itself as "NoMa." I'm a mile and a half from work, and a mile and a half from my sister. I started commuting on my bike. I have a ROOFDECK, which I took advantage of all year.
Also in March, I ran my first half marathon on the day after my 34th birthday.
In April, I took a fabulous trip with two girlfriends to New Orleans, where we ate and drank and listened to music and had a great time just hanging out. I got up early each day to run, and let me tell you how hilarious Bourbon street is at 8 am.
In May, I did my first triathlon of the season, the Columbia Triathlon, which I'm signed up for again next year. Centennial Lake and I have some unfinished business.
June kind of sucked, I'm not going to lie. Turns out the guy I was dating in April and May was in fact (his words) a vapid narcissist, and (my words) a complete psycho. By the time we broke up, I felt like I had been on a Tilt-A-Whirl ride for about 2 weeks. I was dizzy and nauseous. It took a little while to recover.
I joined a women's a cappella group called Capital Blend on June 1.
I swam in the Potomac River on June 20th without a wetsuit. It was my third triathlon that involved swimming in the Po', and I still claim it's my favorite place to swim. I killed the bike course, and it was 99 degrees on the run. Puke. My sister and my nephew were at the finish line, which was awesome.
I joined a rock band called The Slow Burn on June 30.
Enter July and August.
Enter hardcore training for a Half IronMan. Enter getting up at the BUTT CRACK of dawn for nearly 2 straight months to do long rides and runs. Enter wanting to eat my arm. Enter my love affair with MacArthur Boulevard and my absolute devotion and commitment to Hains Point.
Oh, Hains Point, we shared some good times this year. Loop after loop on the bike on Tuesday mornings. Hearing "Reveille" played at the Marine Corps barracks across the river while doing long runs with Angela or Emily. Swimming lap after lap in the lovely 50-meter outdoor pool... in the slow lane... as Mandi and Martha were speed demons 2 lanes over. My dearest HP, I will see you as soon as the sun starts to rise earlier in the morning (as I have a half marathon in March and a HIM in May 2011!).
I took a nice trip to visit my dearest Erin in Youngstown, OH, in early July, as well as a long weekend to Boston to see Annie on July 31-August 1. Then I visited my parents in late August and got my butt kicked by some giant biker dudes in Wisconsin. Whatever you might think about America's Dairyland, I assure you, it is not flat. Wisconsin is all rolling hills. Oof.
Because I am crazy, I started dating, too. I'm really grateful I did that, even though it was fairly obnoxious to give what little spare time I had to DUD after DUD after DUD. I needed to tear off the band-aid and work out some kinks before I could really think about another relationship, and the timing worked out very well for me, thank you very much. :)
Oh yeah, and I did another triathlon. IronGirl was my worst race ever.
Then came September.
I became a Half IronWoman on September 12! I had the race of my life. I peed on my bike. I washed it.
The next weekend, I flew to Chicago to see my beloved Dave Matthews Band at Wrigley Field with my dearest Erin and my former student Kelly.
Then I had a giant party.
Then I drove to Myrtle Beach to do another triathlon on October 2nd, and I got 5th in my Age Group.
October. I got really, really sick. Duh.
I went to Luray, VA, October 9th to 11th with some of my best friends for a weekend of relaxing and drinking wine. We pretty much spent the entire time on the deck in the hot tub. Sadly, my girl Ashley was sick that weekend, so we didn't go for a hike.
My band had a gig on October 16th, and I got to be a rockstar again.
My mom came to town Halloween weekend, and we went to the Rally to Restore Sanity And/Or Fear. I dressed up as "The Bride" from Kill Bill for Halloween. I PRed my 10k at the Marine Corps Marathon, and I paced some friends to the finish line.
I bowled at the White House.
November.
I drove to Ottawa and curled on Canadian ice. We got killed.
My sister, a self-proclaimed non-athlete, non-runner, asked me to run and train for the Philadelphia Half marathon with her. We spent the 4 months leading up to the race running together--short runs during the week, long runs on the weekend. We ran the Veteran's Day 10k together, and then drove up to Philly and ran 13.1 miles side by side. I love my sister! I even bought the official race photos for her for Christmas. Shh.
We made an awesome Thanksgiving dinner together, and I ate so much that it hurt.
Also, my a cappella group had a fantastic fall concert weekend, November 13th and 14th.
December.
I PRed my 10k again, for a stupid-fast time (for me, anyway) of 48:06 at the The Jingle All the Way race. It was COLD.
I got elected to the DC Triathlon Club Board of Directors!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry. Just a few more.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And now. It's almost Christmas. And as I have been writing this, I have been thinking, no wonder! No wonder I feel like this year flew by.
And no wonder I am so happy. I spend my time doing *what I love.* Visiting people that I love. Sharing time and making memories with amazing friends and family, and training buddies. And then there is my boyfriend (!), who was a part of many of these things toward the end of the year, and who I met DOING SOMETHING THAT I LOVE (biking on MacArthur Boulevard). He is pretty much the icing on the cake of an amazing year, and I look forward to sharing a fabulous New Year's Eve with him in just a few days.
What, praytell, is in store for 2011?
I am so blessed and lucky.
I can't wait to find out.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
What will I find?
"So long, I've been looking too hard,
I've been waiting too long.
Sometimes I don't know what I will find,
I only know it's a matter of time."
--Foreigner, "Waiting for a Girl Like You."
I'm copying and pasting an e-mail I recently wrote to a friend who asked me how my dating life is going. Yep, I'm going to POST IT HERE. You might be wondering: why the HELL would anyone do that?
Because. Sometimes it's important to document the good stuff. Sometimes it's good to reflect on positive things in my life. Perhaps it's time for me to start looking closely at the reasons why a relationship is (actually!) good for me and be critical even while I'm totally enjoying every minute of it. Maybe THAT is how you sustain the positivity or learn how to nip negativity in the bud (or, eliminate it completely if that's the right thing to do).
My friend read this message and replied that it gave her "goosebumpies!" If I try to read it objectively--as if I didn't write it--the whole thing gives me goosebumpies, too. Just thinking about everything certainly makes me smile.
And by the way [Name], if you claim that you DON'T READ MY BLOG ANYWAY, then you won't read this and you can't be mad about it!
Ha!
Ha again!
***********************************************************************************
I have to laugh because I really expected a whole lot of nothing from the guy. It took him like 3.5 months to figure out that he was supposed to ask me out, and then my expectations were super low as a result. I was dating a handful of guys for a while there, trying to be super picky and weed through the garbage (and there was plenty of trash). I fully expected to weed him out. There was this other guy who was totally in the lead... And then suddenly [Name] and I started to click. And then all the other dudes just weren't measuring up. And now we've just been dating each other for a couple of months.
And.... he's kinda awesome. And hilarious! He's a little nuts sometimes, but I love it. He's really, really sweet to me, too.
I totally dig him, and as long as he keeps treating me so nicely and making it pretty darn obvious (as he does) that he digs me back, I will keep him around. :)
I'm kind of in shock over the whole thing. When I tell people how we met it makes me laugh. "Our first conversation took place on MacArthur Boulevard and my computer was reading about 25. I was trying not to suck air and look like a chump in front of all the gorgeous Coppi boys when I got swallowed up in their paceline."
He likes to tell people I picked him up off the street.
***********************************************************************************
So... there you have it...
Besos to you, [Name]!
I've been waiting too long.
Sometimes I don't know what I will find,
I only know it's a matter of time."
--Foreigner, "Waiting for a Girl Like You."
I'm copying and pasting an e-mail I recently wrote to a friend who asked me how my dating life is going. Yep, I'm going to POST IT HERE. You might be wondering: why the HELL would anyone do that?
Because. Sometimes it's important to document the good stuff. Sometimes it's good to reflect on positive things in my life. Perhaps it's time for me to start looking closely at the reasons why a relationship is (actually!) good for me and be critical even while I'm totally enjoying every minute of it. Maybe THAT is how you sustain the positivity or learn how to nip negativity in the bud (or, eliminate it completely if that's the right thing to do).
My friend read this message and replied that it gave her "goosebumpies!" If I try to read it objectively--as if I didn't write it--the whole thing gives me goosebumpies, too. Just thinking about everything certainly makes me smile.
And by the way [Name], if you claim that you DON'T READ MY BLOG ANYWAY, then you won't read this and you can't be mad about it!
Ha!
Ha again!
***********************************************************************************
I have to laugh because I really expected a whole lot of nothing from the guy. It took him like 3.5 months to figure out that he was supposed to ask me out, and then my expectations were super low as a result. I was dating a handful of guys for a while there, trying to be super picky and weed through the garbage (and there was plenty of trash). I fully expected to weed him out. There was this other guy who was totally in the lead... And then suddenly [Name] and I started to click. And then all the other dudes just weren't measuring up. And now we've just been dating each other for a couple of months.
And.... he's kinda awesome. And hilarious! He's a little nuts sometimes, but I love it. He's really, really sweet to me, too.
I totally dig him, and as long as he keeps treating me so nicely and making it pretty darn obvious (as he does) that he digs me back, I will keep him around. :)
I'm kind of in shock over the whole thing. When I tell people how we met it makes me laugh. "Our first conversation took place on MacArthur Boulevard and my computer was reading about 25. I was trying not to suck air and look like a chump in front of all the gorgeous Coppi boys when I got swallowed up in their paceline."
He likes to tell people I picked him up off the street.
***********************************************************************************
So... there you have it...
Besos to you, [Name]!
Friday, December 3, 2010
Right Now
"I'm a low brow but I rock a little know how
No time for the piggies or the hoosegow,
Get smart get down with the pow wow,
Never been a better time than right now."
-The Red Hot Chili Peppers, "Give it Away."
Tonight, I was overwhlemed with the feeling that I had something to share with people I love. Something to share with the world. Something to add, contribute, give. Apparently, I rock a little know how.
What do I know?
I know how shit can hit the fan. I know how you can have your whole life planned out to the last little detail... and then have it all melt away. Like you're holding something made of solid brick that suddenly turns to sand... and you watch it sift through your fingers.
I know how you can keep up a charade. I know you can pretend that life is this perfect amazing thing, when underneath the facade of perfection it's this big old stinking mess. I used to live that lie everyday.
Someone very dear to me revealed that she has been living a lie for a long time. My dearest, I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry that you have to go through this. I'm so sorry that the vision that you have had for your life is being torn apart. The pain, the panic, the fear... I don't envy what you're going through right now, because I've been there, and I know how scary it is.
I've had my whole world stripped away. I've had every ounce of what I believed, what I thought was true, taken from me without even an apology. I know what it feels like to lose everything. Everything. Every. Last. Thing. That. I. Thought. Was. True.
And here I am: days, weeks, months, years later. Alive. Breathing. Kicking. Thriving. Better: whole.
I wasn't always this way. I had to pick up the pieces and put my world back together. I had to gather the sand grain by grain and reassemble my life.
If there is anything that I can share with you, it's this: the sun will rise tomorrow. And the day after. And the day after. And the day after. And you will be there to watch it happen. And each day that that the sun rises you will discover something new about the world that you didn't know before. You will discover something new about yourself. You will learn, as I did, how to redirect that energy that you've been spending keeping up the charade.
Just imagine what you could do.
You are blessed, because you are an amazing woman. And though you are afraid now because of what you may face in the days, weeks, and years to come, I promise there is good. There is good in you. There is good in others. There is good in the unknown future.
And another thing:
Love is not rationed only to those who are young or without a past. Love is not reserved for those who are perfect. Dear heavens, I'd be desperate if I thought I had to be perfect to be loved. Love comes in many forms, and it will come in exactly the form that you need right now. Maybe it comes in the form of me!
No time for the piggies or the hoosegow,
Get smart get down with the pow wow,
Never been a better time than right now."
-The Red Hot Chili Peppers, "Give it Away."
Tonight, I was overwhlemed with the feeling that I had something to share with people I love. Something to share with the world. Something to add, contribute, give. Apparently, I rock a little know how.
What do I know?
I know how shit can hit the fan. I know how you can have your whole life planned out to the last little detail... and then have it all melt away. Like you're holding something made of solid brick that suddenly turns to sand... and you watch it sift through your fingers.
I know how you can keep up a charade. I know you can pretend that life is this perfect amazing thing, when underneath the facade of perfection it's this big old stinking mess. I used to live that lie everyday.
Someone very dear to me revealed that she has been living a lie for a long time. My dearest, I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry that you have to go through this. I'm so sorry that the vision that you have had for your life is being torn apart. The pain, the panic, the fear... I don't envy what you're going through right now, because I've been there, and I know how scary it is.
I've had my whole world stripped away. I've had every ounce of what I believed, what I thought was true, taken from me without even an apology. I know what it feels like to lose everything. Everything. Every. Last. Thing. That. I. Thought. Was. True.
And here I am: days, weeks, months, years later. Alive. Breathing. Kicking. Thriving. Better: whole.
I wasn't always this way. I had to pick up the pieces and put my world back together. I had to gather the sand grain by grain and reassemble my life.
If there is anything that I can share with you, it's this: the sun will rise tomorrow. And the day after. And the day after. And the day after. And you will be there to watch it happen. And each day that that the sun rises you will discover something new about the world that you didn't know before. You will discover something new about yourself. You will learn, as I did, how to redirect that energy that you've been spending keeping up the charade.
Just imagine what you could do.
You are blessed, because you are an amazing woman. And though you are afraid now because of what you may face in the days, weeks, and years to come, I promise there is good. There is good in you. There is good in others. There is good in the unknown future.
And another thing:
Love is not rationed only to those who are young or without a past. Love is not reserved for those who are perfect. Dear heavens, I'd be desperate if I thought I had to be perfect to be loved. Love comes in many forms, and it will come in exactly the form that you need right now. Maybe it comes in the form of me!
Friday, November 26, 2010
Understand?
"Years go by, will I still be waiting for somebody else to understand?
Years go by, if I'm stripped of my beauty and the orange clouds raining in my head.
Years go by, will I choke on my tears 'til, finally there is nothing left?
One more casualty, you know we're too easy, easy, easy."
--Tori Amos, "Silent All These Years."
To blog or not to blog? There's a question. Clearly, I've answered it already, and I'm answering it again. Right... now.
As I mentioned in one of my first posts, there are reasons I'm doing this. And they are often--admittedly and unapologetically--selfish. Self-indulgent. But there's more to it than that. It's not just all about me, ever.
For those of you who might judge this, I offer:
1) I chose the word "unapologetically" on purpose, above.
2) I need this forum for processing and healing.
3) There are plenty of people who have been through much, much worse than I have. There are plenty of people who haven't experienced nearly the garbage that I have. We all have our own journey; however, relating to others is one way that we all find the strength to persevere. If anything that I write about is relatable in any way to another person--and I think that it is--and they find courage as a result... I would risk any kind of vulnerability for that.
There's a reason I'm writing this particular entry, and that is because lately I have felt judged for publishing some of my thoughts, and silly me feels like I need to explain.
But, I don't.
If you don't get it, you don't get it. I'm writing anyway. Thanks!
Years go by, if I'm stripped of my beauty and the orange clouds raining in my head.
Years go by, will I choke on my tears 'til, finally there is nothing left?
One more casualty, you know we're too easy, easy, easy."
--Tori Amos, "Silent All These Years."
To blog or not to blog? There's a question. Clearly, I've answered it already, and I'm answering it again. Right... now.
As I mentioned in one of my first posts, there are reasons I'm doing this. And they are often--admittedly and unapologetically--selfish. Self-indulgent. But there's more to it than that. It's not just all about me, ever.
For those of you who might judge this, I offer:
1) I chose the word "unapologetically" on purpose, above.
2) I need this forum for processing and healing.
3) There are plenty of people who have been through much, much worse than I have. There are plenty of people who haven't experienced nearly the garbage that I have. We all have our own journey; however, relating to others is one way that we all find the strength to persevere. If anything that I write about is relatable in any way to another person--and I think that it is--and they find courage as a result... I would risk any kind of vulnerability for that.
There's a reason I'm writing this particular entry, and that is because lately I have felt judged for publishing some of my thoughts, and silly me feels like I need to explain.
But, I don't.
If you don't get it, you don't get it. I'm writing anyway. Thanks!
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Make a Wish
"Just make a wish--
Write out a list
What's broke is fixed.
Make a wish--
What's diamonds and pearls?
You know you're my girl, I'll give you the world.
Make a wish--
I ain't talking 'bout no ifs or maybes.
No possibles, girl, you're driving me crazy."
--Jaheim, "Make a Wish."
Abby's Holiday Wish List (I reserve the right to update this!)
[ED 11/21/2010: I ordered this item yesterday, as I predicted I would....]
I'm probably going to buy this for myself in the next week:
Kurt Kinetic Road Machine. My LBS has a deal going on with the triathlon club and I'll likely just get in on that.
Really Fabulous Black Boots. I need a new pair of knee-high black boots. I've tried a few on, and I'm having this weird problem where the boots are WAY too big for my calves. [ED: Okay, I am spoiling myself. I bought these because they listed a narrower calf circumference. Will report on how they fit...]
A new Digital Camera. I hear good things about the Panasonic Lumix series.
A new, good-quality wheelaboard suitcase. Mine is going on 13 years old. I paid a lot of money for it, and I was pissed about that fact at the time, but it lasted almost 13 years. It served me well, but it's finally dying.
A popcorn air popper. I love popcorn. I love low-calorie, stuff-your-face-with-a-whole-bowl popcorn.
[ED.] I figured I should add... always acceptable: jewelery (earrings and necklaces, in particular), spa treatments (gift certificates for mani/pedis or massages), and event tickets (concerts, sporting events, shows at the Kennedy Center). If you're wondering if this information is for you, you're probably on to something. ;) Maybe a bike computer.
And lastly... I've threatened to do this for my 35th birthday, and it's fucking right around the corner. Wouldn't that be a fun day, mom? We'll go together. Take me to your girl, because what she does looks AMAZING on your forehead.
Thanks for reading! :)
Write out a list
What's broke is fixed.
Make a wish--
What's diamonds and pearls?
You know you're my girl, I'll give you the world.
Make a wish--
I ain't talking 'bout no ifs or maybes.
No possibles, girl, you're driving me crazy."
--Jaheim, "Make a Wish."
Abby's Holiday Wish List (I reserve the right to update this!)
[ED 11/21/2010: I ordered this item yesterday, as I predicted I would....]
I'm probably going to buy this for myself in the next week:
Kurt Kinetic Road Machine. My LBS has a deal going on with the triathlon club and I'll likely just get in on that.
Really Fabulous Black Boots. I need a new pair of knee-high black boots. I've tried a few on, and I'm having this weird problem where the boots are WAY too big for my calves. [ED: Okay, I am spoiling myself. I bought these because they listed a narrower calf circumference. Will report on how they fit...]
A new Digital Camera. I hear good things about the Panasonic Lumix series.
A new, good-quality wheelaboard suitcase. Mine is going on 13 years old. I paid a lot of money for it, and I was pissed about that fact at the time, but it lasted almost 13 years. It served me well, but it's finally dying.
A popcorn air popper. I love popcorn. I love low-calorie, stuff-your-face-with-a-whole-bowl popcorn.
[ED.] I figured I should add... always acceptable: jewelery (earrings and necklaces, in particular), spa treatments (gift certificates for mani/pedis or massages), and event tickets (concerts, sporting events, shows at the Kennedy Center). If you're wondering if this information is for you, you're probably on to something. ;) Maybe a bike computer.
And lastly... I've threatened to do this for my 35th birthday, and it's fucking right around the corner. Wouldn't that be a fun day, mom? We'll go together. Take me to your girl, because what she does looks AMAZING on your forehead.
Thanks for reading! :)
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Young Forever
"We can dance, until we die
You and I, will be young forever."
--Katy Perry, "Teenage Dream."
I'm currently obsessed with a cover of the above song, performed by the band, The Rescues:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5OLF6d4-Qcs.
My friend Gabriel Mann is in that band, and he is one of the most talented musicians I know. It's fun seeing him in his element. I also love the soul and sweetness of this arrangement. The original is fun and poppy, and both have their place.
Currently I'm caught somewhere between the bliss of living a teenage dream and the fear of falling... in love.
I'm not a teenager anymore. After a few giant heartbreaks, the act of letting myself fall in love is pretty fucking scary. On the one hand, the person who will be my life partner will provide a comfort like no other: a soothing that will replace the fear. Getting there is equivalent to jumping across a gigantic chasm full of dashed hopes, failed relationships, lonely nights, and doubt. But there is only one way to the other side. The reward will only be given to those who are brave enough to take the risk to get across, even if it means falling into that chasm and having to climb out... again.
The hope is that, having been through the heartbreaks before, having been "in love" and hopeful, having made plans for the rest of my life with another person, I am a little wiser. Maybe this time, instead of jumping with my eyes closed and fingers crossed, hoping to make it to the other side, the person I fall in love with will help me build a bridge. Maybe I know myself well enough after all the heartbreak that I will make good decisions. Maybe I trust myself enough to know that I will survive, even if I fall into the chasm again.
I have a few quotes displayed in my office, and one is by my favorite First Lady. I know you're guessing Hillary, but it's actually Eleanor.
"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing you think you cannot do."
Mrs. Roosevelt: I will be strong, courageous, and confident!
And lest the tenor of this posting seem totally sad and pathetic...
Here's a little more of that song that I listen to in all its versions, dedicated to someone with the most amazing eyes I've ever seen and more freckles than you could ever count:
"You make me
Feel like I'm livin' a
Teenage dream
The way you turn me on
I can't sleep
Let's run away and
Don't ever look back,
Don't ever look back!
My heart stops
When you look at me
Just one touch
Now baby I believe
This is real
So take a chance and
Don't ever look back,
Don't ever look back!"
And for a Scandinavian take on things: http://www.cs.helsinki.fi/u/tkjunkka/love.html
peace.
You and I, will be young forever."
--Katy Perry, "Teenage Dream."
I'm currently obsessed with a cover of the above song, performed by the band, The Rescues:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5OLF6d4-Qcs.
My friend Gabriel Mann is in that band, and he is one of the most talented musicians I know. It's fun seeing him in his element. I also love the soul and sweetness of this arrangement. The original is fun and poppy, and both have their place.
Currently I'm caught somewhere between the bliss of living a teenage dream and the fear of falling... in love.
I'm not a teenager anymore. After a few giant heartbreaks, the act of letting myself fall in love is pretty fucking scary. On the one hand, the person who will be my life partner will provide a comfort like no other: a soothing that will replace the fear. Getting there is equivalent to jumping across a gigantic chasm full of dashed hopes, failed relationships, lonely nights, and doubt. But there is only one way to the other side. The reward will only be given to those who are brave enough to take the risk to get across, even if it means falling into that chasm and having to climb out... again.
The hope is that, having been through the heartbreaks before, having been "in love" and hopeful, having made plans for the rest of my life with another person, I am a little wiser. Maybe this time, instead of jumping with my eyes closed and fingers crossed, hoping to make it to the other side, the person I fall in love with will help me build a bridge. Maybe I know myself well enough after all the heartbreak that I will make good decisions. Maybe I trust myself enough to know that I will survive, even if I fall into the chasm again.
I have a few quotes displayed in my office, and one is by my favorite First Lady. I know you're guessing Hillary, but it's actually Eleanor.
"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing you think you cannot do."
Mrs. Roosevelt: I will be strong, courageous, and confident!
And lest the tenor of this posting seem totally sad and pathetic...
Here's a little more of that song that I listen to in all its versions, dedicated to someone with the most amazing eyes I've ever seen and more freckles than you could ever count:
"You make me
Feel like I'm livin' a
Teenage dream
The way you turn me on
I can't sleep
Let's run away and
Don't ever look back,
Don't ever look back!
My heart stops
When you look at me
Just one touch
Now baby I believe
This is real
So take a chance and
Don't ever look back,
Don't ever look back!"
And for a Scandinavian take on things: http://www.cs.helsinki.fi/u/tkjunkka/love.html
peace.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Sisters
"Here's what we call our golden rule
Have faith in you and the things you do.
You won't go wrong
This is our family jewel."
--Sister Sledge, "We are Family."
Relationships with women are difficult.
Let me clarify that I mean this in every sense. Relationships between women are difficult. Relationships that men have with women are difficult.
When I was younger, my with relationships with other women--or girls, when we were that age--were sometimes challenging. The competitiveness, the cattiness, the fighting... I didn't navigate that world very well. I didn't connect very well with many of my girlfriends. We were friends because we did things together, or, because by some sort of strange default, none of the other popular kids wanted to be friends with us either, so we were friends with each other.
Fast forward twenty (plus) years.
I had a weekend this past weekend of all sorts of wonderful sisterness.
My ACTUAL sister and I are training for a half-marathon together (her first!) and we started this extra long weekend of mine by running 11 miles on Thursday. Then, I saw her Friday evening before my rehearsal while she was home alone with her beautiful son, allowing her husband an evening with the boys. She and I ran a race together this morning, and we crossed the finish line on her first 10k. Later in the afternoon, she attended my a cappella concert, and she hugged me with tears in her eyes. I am blessed, blessed, blessed and lucky that I get to share so much with her. I cherish this time that we live literally a mile and a half apart.
My new sisters... my Capital Blend girls... these are new women in my life, and I love and appreciate them more than I thought I would at this point.
We had our big fall concerts this weekend, and the very nice man I am dating took some lovely pictures of us.
Singing together in harmony, rehearsals, choreography... there are so many analogies to relationships.
Indeed, the way that we blend, the way that we take turns supporting each other in the spotlight, the way we back each other up (and we're backing up, backing up, backing up, backing up--'cause my daddy taught me good.... nope, no inside jokes either)...
It reminds me that women can be some of the most amazing people in whom to invest time and energy for a relationship. Even if the relationships may at times be challenging or difficult... Women can give so much. We can support so much. We have the strength to carry on, to carry others, to carry ourselves through just about anything. Believe in a woman and she will stand by you forever.
Believe in me and I will stand by you forever. Trust in me and I will trust in you. Have faith in me and my unshakeable support will be yours.
I love you, sisters. Thank you for reminding me how valuable you are, and how valuable I am for being among you.
www.capitalblendsings.com
Have faith in you and the things you do.
You won't go wrong
This is our family jewel."
--Sister Sledge, "We are Family."
Relationships with women are difficult.
Let me clarify that I mean this in every sense. Relationships between women are difficult. Relationships that men have with women are difficult.
When I was younger, my with relationships with other women--or girls, when we were that age--were sometimes challenging. The competitiveness, the cattiness, the fighting... I didn't navigate that world very well. I didn't connect very well with many of my girlfriends. We were friends because we did things together, or, because by some sort of strange default, none of the other popular kids wanted to be friends with us either, so we were friends with each other.
Fast forward twenty (plus) years.
I had a weekend this past weekend of all sorts of wonderful sisterness.
My ACTUAL sister and I are training for a half-marathon together (her first!) and we started this extra long weekend of mine by running 11 miles on Thursday. Then, I saw her Friday evening before my rehearsal while she was home alone with her beautiful son, allowing her husband an evening with the boys. She and I ran a race together this morning, and we crossed the finish line on her first 10k. Later in the afternoon, she attended my a cappella concert, and she hugged me with tears in her eyes. I am blessed, blessed, blessed and lucky that I get to share so much with her. I cherish this time that we live literally a mile and a half apart.
My new sisters... my Capital Blend girls... these are new women in my life, and I love and appreciate them more than I thought I would at this point.
We had our big fall concerts this weekend, and the very nice man I am dating took some lovely pictures of us.
Singing together in harmony, rehearsals, choreography... there are so many analogies to relationships.
Indeed, the way that we blend, the way that we take turns supporting each other in the spotlight, the way we back each other up (and we're backing up, backing up, backing up, backing up--'cause my daddy taught me good.... nope, no inside jokes either)...
It reminds me that women can be some of the most amazing people in whom to invest time and energy for a relationship. Even if the relationships may at times be challenging or difficult... Women can give so much. We can support so much. We have the strength to carry on, to carry others, to carry ourselves through just about anything. Believe in a woman and she will stand by you forever.
Believe in me and I will stand by you forever. Trust in me and I will trust in you. Have faith in me and my unshakeable support will be yours.
I love you, sisters. Thank you for reminding me how valuable you are, and how valuable I am for being among you.
www.capitalblendsings.com
Monday, November 8, 2010
I Know This Much Is True
"Funny how it seems
Always in time, but never in line for dreams
Head over heels, when toe to toe
This is the sound of my soul."
--Spandau Ballet, "True."
The truth isn't always pretty.
I'm aware of this fact more than any other reality, because I've been through some ugly stuff.
Most days, the ugly stuff stays where it belongs: in the past. It's not about denial as much as it is about living fully in the present, enjoying the wonderful life that I have created for myself, and honoring my strength as a human and a woman.
Sometimes, though, you have to look at the ugly stuff. Sometimes you have to do it just for yourself, and sometimes, you have to do it for someone else. Because you want to. Because the truth shall set you free.
The truth is that I was once married to someone abusive. Someone who kept me in a box, who tried to control me, who emotionally and eventually physically abused me.
Not so pretty. Not so fun. For many people, it's hard to fathom because I am so (strong, courageous, loyal, generous) NOT the kind of person who ends up in an abusive relationship. But, it happened. And I worked very, very hard to try to turn it around. And eventually I realized that my ex-husband's behavior was not something I could control or change.
No matter what I did.
It taught me to accept people as they are. It taught me about my own free will. It taught me that shame only has the power that you personally give it.
It also taught me that not everyone is someone that I want to have in my life, no matter what our history might be. It taught me that I have the power and privilege to identify and choose that which is good for ME in terms of relationships.
I find myself at the beginning of a relationship. I have no idea what it is meant to be, but I know that I'm interested in finding out. I know that it is currently a source of great excitement and fun and interest! I find myself getting to know someone who not only wants to know my truth, but who is somehow helping me share it without fear.
I BELIEVE in sharing the truth. I believe in being real. I am who I am in large part because of HOW I got here. I don't want to hide it. I am not ashamed. I cannot be afraid that the truth will be too scary for someone else to handle. It would be too exhausting and unfair to ME to pretend that it didn't happen. So it must come out, and I have to learn to trust.
Trust that I am amazing. And worth it. And being free to be me and fully express myself within a relationship is exactly what I want and deserve.
Trust that a man who can hold my hand through that conversation and make me look him in the eyes with my eyes open while saying it is an incredible person who I want to continue to get to know.
Trust that having a tough conversation would never be the end of something good.
Trust that sharing the truth makes something good become better, even if I might need my hand held to do it.
Because it's okay to need someone to hold your hand through the hard parts. We all need that sometimes. Even the strong, courageous, women of steel.
And it's even better when someone wants to do it.
And it's okay if he reads this.
Always in time, but never in line for dreams
Head over heels, when toe to toe
This is the sound of my soul."
--Spandau Ballet, "True."
The truth isn't always pretty.
I'm aware of this fact more than any other reality, because I've been through some ugly stuff.
Most days, the ugly stuff stays where it belongs: in the past. It's not about denial as much as it is about living fully in the present, enjoying the wonderful life that I have created for myself, and honoring my strength as a human and a woman.
Sometimes, though, you have to look at the ugly stuff. Sometimes you have to do it just for yourself, and sometimes, you have to do it for someone else. Because you want to. Because the truth shall set you free.
The truth is that I was once married to someone abusive. Someone who kept me in a box, who tried to control me, who emotionally and eventually physically abused me.
Not so pretty. Not so fun. For many people, it's hard to fathom because I am so (strong, courageous, loyal, generous) NOT the kind of person who ends up in an abusive relationship. But, it happened. And I worked very, very hard to try to turn it around. And eventually I realized that my ex-husband's behavior was not something I could control or change.
No matter what I did.
It taught me to accept people as they are. It taught me about my own free will. It taught me that shame only has the power that you personally give it.
It also taught me that not everyone is someone that I want to have in my life, no matter what our history might be. It taught me that I have the power and privilege to identify and choose that which is good for ME in terms of relationships.
I find myself at the beginning of a relationship. I have no idea what it is meant to be, but I know that I'm interested in finding out. I know that it is currently a source of great excitement and fun and interest! I find myself getting to know someone who not only wants to know my truth, but who is somehow helping me share it without fear.
I BELIEVE in sharing the truth. I believe in being real. I am who I am in large part because of HOW I got here. I don't want to hide it. I am not ashamed. I cannot be afraid that the truth will be too scary for someone else to handle. It would be too exhausting and unfair to ME to pretend that it didn't happen. So it must come out, and I have to learn to trust.
Trust that I am amazing. And worth it. And being free to be me and fully express myself within a relationship is exactly what I want and deserve.
Trust that a man who can hold my hand through that conversation and make me look him in the eyes with my eyes open while saying it is an incredible person who I want to continue to get to know.
Trust that having a tough conversation would never be the end of something good.
Trust that sharing the truth makes something good become better, even if I might need my hand held to do it.
Because it's okay to need someone to hold your hand through the hard parts. We all need that sometimes. Even the strong, courageous, women of steel.
And it's even better when someone wants to do it.
And it's okay if he reads this.
Monday, October 25, 2010
It's All In Me
"Anything you want done, baby.
I'll do it naturally."
--Chaka Khan, "I'm Every Woman."
Because sometimes I need to quote my own theme song!
I've recently been called "badass." A lot.
Half Ironman? Badass.
Really awesome Halloween costume (still a semi-secret). "Dangerous and sexy. That's badass."
At the moment, I FEEL badass. I just fixed my bike brakes (hybrid, not road) using pictures from a book.
BADASS!
Go me.
I'll do it naturally."
--Chaka Khan, "I'm Every Woman."
Because sometimes I need to quote my own theme song!
I've recently been called "badass." A lot.
Half Ironman? Badass.
Really awesome Halloween costume (still a semi-secret). "Dangerous and sexy. That's badass."
At the moment, I FEEL badass. I just fixed my bike brakes (hybrid, not road) using pictures from a book.
BADASS!
Go me.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Finally
"I found it in me,
I found it finally.
I'm sure to keep it' cause I like it."
--India.Arie, "Strength, Courage, and Wisdom."
Um, where did October go?
For that matter, what happened to August and July?
I'm *stunned* at the calendar. Shocked. Perhaps even appalled. The weather has changed. The nights are longer. Curling season has begun. For a self-proclaimed "Summer Girl," fall usually comes with a bit of depression and anxiety about the closing of (yet another!) year, and thoughts of all I have forgotten to do or failed to become in the year that is ending.
This year is different.
While I still prefer the warmer weather and longer days (more time to play!), this particular fall is not bringing the typical fear. Earlier this summer, I was sure that it would, but now, everything is exciting and delightful, and I find myself...
Happier than I thought I would be.
Happier than I thought I could be.
Happier than I remember being. Kind of, ever. In my life.
And I think I know why.
I think, finally, after all the years of self-hatred and consequential abusive relationships, I think I finally like myself. Just as I am. All flawed and silly and ridiculous and tall and nosy and outgoing and plantastic.
It only took twenty-five fucking years. Since the day the bullying started, all I ever wanted was to wake up one day as someone else. Wake up shorter. Wake up dumber. Wake up cooler. Wake up in a different life, with a different name, in a different place, at a different time.
And yesterday when I was running (an insanely fast 7.5 miles in 58 minutes!!), I was laughing to myself. I love my life. I love where I am. I love who I have become. I love the uncertainty of what may come in the days, weeks, and months ahead. Suddenly, I don't need a 5-year plan or a 10-year plan or a ring on my finger to be happy.
Recently, I've been dating (YIKES!!!!!!!!!!). For a while, I was very intentionally dating a handful of people simultaneously. My tendency has been to focus too intently on one individual, hoping desperately that I could make it work, and then giving up certain parts of my identity to make that other person decide they wanted to stick around. I thought that by keeping "more than one horse in the race" I would save myself from falling into that same trap.
And then, my critical eye went to work, and suddenly that handful was culled to three (because the others were failing to meet BMR: basic minimum requirements. That's "I'm a dork who works for the government" speak).
And then to two (because I knew in my heart that I was leading the third guy on and I couldn't keep taking meals from the guy).
And then to one (because as much as humble me will admit that I'm not unattractive, in the end, I want someone to love me FIRST for my mind and not my rockin' body).
And then I started to panic. Because, (old way of thinking:) what happens if the last guy standing decides he doesn't really, really like me?
Then one becomes none and I'm alone. Again.
And here's where I smile, and laugh, and get a tear of joy in my eye. Because I'm not afraid anymore. I made this life that I love. I joined the band, auditioned for the a cappella group, finished the Half Ironman, and am curling up a storm. And I will continue to make a life that I love forever. It's a skill that I learned and practiced and will continue to refine all the days of my life--a life that I will share, undoubtedly, with a partner who loves me just as I am. Whoever he is.
And, though there are goals that I have and things about my life that I would absolutely change in order to reach those goals, I know that my core identity is not something that I will ever compromise. Ever again.
At the end of my divorce in 2008, I said something on the phone to my friend Heather that I have written down and referred to in dark times:
Two hands
Two feet
A heart
A brain
are all I need to make a life that I love.
I have those.
I found it finally.
I'm sure to keep it' cause I like it."
--India.Arie, "Strength, Courage, and Wisdom."
Um, where did October go?
For that matter, what happened to August and July?
I'm *stunned* at the calendar. Shocked. Perhaps even appalled. The weather has changed. The nights are longer. Curling season has begun. For a self-proclaimed "Summer Girl," fall usually comes with a bit of depression and anxiety about the closing of (yet another!) year, and thoughts of all I have forgotten to do or failed to become in the year that is ending.
This year is different.
While I still prefer the warmer weather and longer days (more time to play!), this particular fall is not bringing the typical fear. Earlier this summer, I was sure that it would, but now, everything is exciting and delightful, and I find myself...
Happier than I thought I would be.
Happier than I thought I could be.
Happier than I remember being. Kind of, ever. In my life.
And I think I know why.
I think, finally, after all the years of self-hatred and consequential abusive relationships, I think I finally like myself. Just as I am. All flawed and silly and ridiculous and tall and nosy and outgoing and plantastic.
It only took twenty-five fucking years. Since the day the bullying started, all I ever wanted was to wake up one day as someone else. Wake up shorter. Wake up dumber. Wake up cooler. Wake up in a different life, with a different name, in a different place, at a different time.
And yesterday when I was running (an insanely fast 7.5 miles in 58 minutes!!), I was laughing to myself. I love my life. I love where I am. I love who I have become. I love the uncertainty of what may come in the days, weeks, and months ahead. Suddenly, I don't need a 5-year plan or a 10-year plan or a ring on my finger to be happy.
Recently, I've been dating (YIKES!!!!!!!!!!). For a while, I was very intentionally dating a handful of people simultaneously. My tendency has been to focus too intently on one individual, hoping desperately that I could make it work, and then giving up certain parts of my identity to make that other person decide they wanted to stick around. I thought that by keeping "more than one horse in the race" I would save myself from falling into that same trap.
And then, my critical eye went to work, and suddenly that handful was culled to three (because the others were failing to meet BMR: basic minimum requirements. That's "I'm a dork who works for the government" speak).
And then to two (because I knew in my heart that I was leading the third guy on and I couldn't keep taking meals from the guy).
And then to one (because as much as humble me will admit that I'm not unattractive, in the end, I want someone to love me FIRST for my mind and not my rockin' body).
And then I started to panic. Because, (old way of thinking:) what happens if the last guy standing decides he doesn't really, really like me?
Then one becomes none and I'm alone. Again.
And here's where I smile, and laugh, and get a tear of joy in my eye. Because I'm not afraid anymore. I made this life that I love. I joined the band, auditioned for the a cappella group, finished the Half Ironman, and am curling up a storm. And I will continue to make a life that I love forever. It's a skill that I learned and practiced and will continue to refine all the days of my life--a life that I will share, undoubtedly, with a partner who loves me just as I am. Whoever he is.
And, though there are goals that I have and things about my life that I would absolutely change in order to reach those goals, I know that my core identity is not something that I will ever compromise. Ever again.
At the end of my divorce in 2008, I said something on the phone to my friend Heather that I have written down and referred to in dark times:
Two hands
Two feet
A heart
A brain
are all I need to make a life that I love.
I have those.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Enjoy The Silence
"Words are meaningless and forgettable.
All I ever wanted, all I ever needed is here in my arms.
Words are very unnecessary; they can only do harm."
--Depeche Mode, "Enjoy the Silence."
Well, now I've done it.
I probably could have predicted this like the sun rising.
I trained my ass off (almost literally, considering I just bought 2 new pairs of jeans, one a size 27 and one a size 26... I literally have no ass left).
And then... I partied just a *weeeeee* bit too hard the past two weekends.
I got sick as a dog after the sojourn to Chicago for Dave Matthews, which rocked, and then I threw a giant party at my apartment. And now I have no capacity to speak. At all. Or sing. Which sucks.
To all those who normally find me chatty, I say: enjoy the temporary silence! Speaking actually hurts, so I think Depeche Mode is right on. Words *can* do harm at the moment.
All I ever wanted, all I ever needed is here in my arms.
Words are very unnecessary; they can only do harm."
--Depeche Mode, "Enjoy the Silence."
Well, now I've done it.
I probably could have predicted this like the sun rising.
I trained my ass off (almost literally, considering I just bought 2 new pairs of jeans, one a size 27 and one a size 26... I literally have no ass left).
And then... I partied just a *weeeeee* bit too hard the past two weekends.
I got sick as a dog after the sojourn to Chicago for Dave Matthews, which rocked, and then I threw a giant party at my apartment. And now I have no capacity to speak. At all. Or sing. Which sucks.
To all those who normally find me chatty, I say: enjoy the temporary silence! Speaking actually hurts, so I think Depeche Mode is right on. Words *can* do harm at the moment.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Breathing!
"Hallelujah, I'm breathing!
Hallelujah, I'm breathing!
Hallelujah, I'm breathing, Hallelujah!"
--Lovedrug, "Down Towards the Healing."
Now that my FIRST (and I emphasize FIRST, because there will DEFINITELY be more) Half IronMan is massacred, what is a girl supposed to do?
1) Go on a diet. I've been eating like a horse. For reals. I'm counting every calorie. No more half-a-box-of-rice crackers and half-a-log-of-goat cheese before dinner evenings and then 4 Fudgecicles at 10 PM. Sad to see them go. Sigh.
2) Party. And yes, the wine calories are counted.
3) Go see my 32nd and 33rd Dave Matthews concerts in Chicago this weekend!! Yahoo Kelly and Erin can't wait to see you!!!
4) Recover. I went to a yoga class yesterday, and I laughed as my legs wobbled under me. Swimming this morning was a DREAM. Oh, it felt amazing to stretch out. And even today I recognize how much I am NOT a sprinter but an ENDURANCE athlete, because the 4x400s felt like crap, but my 1200-yard piece felt awesome.
5) Try to sleep more. This is actually helpful in dieting.
6) See my friends more.
7) Date?????? Maybe????? A little more than I have been????? The few, the strong, the confident men who are responding to me in my current state of swagger get a lot of points.
8) Sing. I've been neglecting my music. I want to invite everyone to the gig in October with my band and the gig in November with my a cappella group, but only if I don't suck.
9) SMILE. I'm a very, very happy girl these days.
Hallelujah, I'm breathing!
Hallelujah, I'm breathing, Hallelujah!"
--Lovedrug, "Down Towards the Healing."
Now that my FIRST (and I emphasize FIRST, because there will DEFINITELY be more) Half IronMan is massacred, what is a girl supposed to do?
1) Go on a diet. I've been eating like a horse. For reals. I'm counting every calorie. No more half-a-box-of-rice crackers and half-a-log-of-goat cheese before dinner evenings and then 4 Fudgecicles at 10 PM. Sad to see them go. Sigh.
2) Party. And yes, the wine calories are counted.
3) Go see my 32nd and 33rd Dave Matthews concerts in Chicago this weekend!! Yahoo Kelly and Erin can't wait to see you!!!
4) Recover. I went to a yoga class yesterday, and I laughed as my legs wobbled under me. Swimming this morning was a DREAM. Oh, it felt amazing to stretch out. And even today I recognize how much I am NOT a sprinter but an ENDURANCE athlete, because the 4x400s felt like crap, but my 1200-yard piece felt awesome.
5) Try to sleep more. This is actually helpful in dieting.
6) See my friends more.
7) Date?????? Maybe????? A little more than I have been????? The few, the strong, the confident men who are responding to me in my current state of swagger get a lot of points.
8) Sing. I've been neglecting my music. I want to invite everyone to the gig in October with my band and the gig in November with my a cappella group, but only if I don't suck.
9) SMILE. I'm a very, very happy girl these days.
Monday, September 13, 2010
I Don't Mean Rhinestones!
"Time rolls on,
And youth is gone,
And you can't straighten up when you bend.
But stiff back
Or stiff knees,
You stand straight at Tiffany's.
Diamonds! Diamonds!
I don't mean rhinestones!
But diamonds are a girl's best friend."
--Jule Styne, "Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend."
(From the Broadway musical "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes.")
DiamondMan Half IronMan: Abby’s First Race Report is too long.
Executive Summary:
1) Rain and cooler temperatures are much better for a triathlon than 100 degrees and sunny.
2) Mandi Leissoo is an amazing friend and cheerleader.
3) I had the best race of my life.
Bear, Delaware: Where is that?
Bear is 2 hours from DC. I chose DiamondMan for my first HIM because Bear isn’t that far, the race was towards the end of the season (sadly, the same day as Nation’s, but we all make our choices!), and the course is relatively flat. I wanted to set myself up for success, which I totally did, and now I want to do more challenging HIMs. If I had done SavageMan as my first, I would be running screaming from this distance. We drove up Saturday late afternoon, checked into the hotel, drove past the race site, got some dinner and were asleep by 10:15. Perfect.
Race Morning: Rain, rain. The story of the 2010 season.
Wake up call at 5 AM. Raining. Ate, packed, got to the race site by 6:10. Set up my transition. Soaked. Chilly. THRILLED that the race was wetsuit legal. No time to dally; DiamondMan is a small race (only 281 registered) and there were two (yes, 2) swim waves. Men 49 and under at 7:15; EVERYONE ELSE at 7:20.
The Swim: Best of my life!
The floor of Lums Pond is very soft silt. You get sucked in up to your thighs in 2 steps. The start was about 200 meters off shore, and I got on my belly immediately to avoid the silt and to get my face in the water. I hyperventilated at both Columbia and IronGirl, so getting calm in the water and starting slowly are key for me. I swam out to the start very easy, and by the time I got there I heard the gun from the shore. I stayed wide and to the back for a couple hundred meters, found my stroke, and then found 5th gear. The bright yellow buoys were very easy to see against the brown water and grey sky, so I moved to an efficient line. I’m not a fast swimmer, but I’m strong, and I pulled my way back into the pack. I felt good (rare for me in the water), so I started pulling harder, reaching farther. I thought, “I don’t need my arms after this. GO!” The next thing I knew I spotted the ramp, and suddenly I was back on my feet. Watch: 41:30. WHAT??????
There’s a 1/3 to ½ mile run from the lake to the bike transition, so I found my shoes and started running. I saw Mandi, and she said “You weren’t supposed to be done for another couple of minutes! WOO HOO!”
Goal: 45-50 minutes
Actual: 41:30 in the water.
Official time including run: 45:17
The Bike: Who needs a computer?
I hopped on my bike after a relatively fast T1, pounded a gel, and chugged some water. Because of the rain there was no body-marking, so I had no idea who I was chasing. I looked at my computer: 00.00. CRAP. I thought, well, this is my sign that I should just listen to my body. I wanted to be on the edge of pushing hard so that I was going fast but saving something for the run. I am pretty chatty on the course, so I regularly asked folks who I rode with what their computers said… Every single time: “21.5” or “19.8” or “20 even.” WHAT? My goal was 18mph, but I felt good, so I kept going, the whole time thinking “You have to run 13.1 after this: don’t MASH your legs.”
The bike course is fairly flat and straight, so the rain wasn’t a huge factor. Reedy Point Bridge is a long but not particularly steep climb, and I didn’t touch the brakes on the way down. Right before the bridge is a metal grated bridge, and all the volunteers were saying “GET OFF YOUR BIKE AND WALK!!” I wasn’t planning to, but a guy wiped out about 20 feet in front of me and dislocated his shoulder, so I quickly clipped out and walked. Not worth the risk. This course is an out-and-back, so I did the same on the return.
I was definitely by myself for a lot of the ride, but I expected that and enjoyed it for the most part. Most people were really friendly, so we chatted as one of us passed the other. One woman on a Cervelo P3C informed me that I was “such a strong biker; you’d really be fast if you had a tri-bike!”
Thanks! Have $4000 for me?
The most amazing part of the whole ride was seeing Mandi 4 times. She drove around and would find me, then park ½ mile in front of me, hop out, ring a cowbell, and snap pictures. Probably my favorite moment was climbing Reedy Point Bridge for the last time with no one (car or bike) in front or behind me, and Mandi driving along side me for at least 4 or 5 minutes. She informed me that the car’s speedometer said 12 or 13 mph. HILARIOUS!
I ate an Odwalla Superfood Bar, two Espresso HammerGels, and an entire pack of Lemon Lime Cliff Shot Blocks. I drank one bottle of diluted Gatorade and 2 bottles of water. I executed my first successful water bottle exchange at mile 22. I didn’t need to exchange at mile 42.
Goal: 3:00. 18 mph.
Actual: 2:55:21. 19.1 mph.
Minutes saved for not stopping to pee: 3-4.**
Minutes spent scrubbing my bike shoes with a soapy brush when I got home: 10.
The Run: Planning for the crap out.
I left T2 with 3:47 on my watch and started running through the campground with a GIANT smile on my face because I knew I had 2:13 to make a sub-6 finish. I felt good; perhaps a little hungry, and I got a lot of “Hey 212! Great smile! You look strong!” as I ran. The majority of this run is along a canal, on dirt/sand, and nowhere near people. Only the first and last 2.5 miles are on the road. There is a giant downhill at mile 2.5 to get to the canal, and I said out loud “Wow, that’s going to suck on the way back!” to which a course veteran replied “And it does!”
I saw the first woman when I was the 4-mile marker (so she was at 9 miles) and told her she was in first; she replied with an enthusiastic “Thank you!” so I continued to count the women as they passed. I stopped counting around 15, and I was only about a half-mile from the turnaround. I knew I was right around 20th at that point. I passed one woman at mile 8, and I held 19th position across the finish.
I ate my last gel at 6 miles, but it was a little far from the aid station at the turnaround, and I should have waited a little longer. I walked 10-15 seconds through every water station, making sure to get a decent drink. I never craved or asked for Gatorade until mile 12, but I am sure I wasn’t sweating as much because of the low temps. At mile 9, when I looked over my shoulder to gauge whether the person behind me was far enough away not to notice the “water” running down my leg, I figured I was probably well-hydrated. Yes, Mom: I peed my pants on the bike AND the run.
I was doing a lot of complex math while running, as in:
“Well, if my legs crap out now, I only need to do 10-minute miles to finish under 6 hours… if my legs crap out NOW, I still have an hour to finish the last 5 miles… or if my legs crap out NOW…”
You get the idea.
I allowed myself to power-walk up the hill at mile 10.5, and it felt good to use different muscles for a couple of minutes. When I got to the top, I challenged myself to blast out the last 2.5 miles, and when I saw Mandi at the 11-mile marker, I joked that I was “running too fast.” I passed her at about 5:26 on my watch, and at that point, my legs disconnected from my body and I started cruising with a giant smile on my face. When I got back to the campground for the last mile, I had to remind myself that it wasn’t time to cry yet—there was still one more mile to run. I got a lot of “Looking strong, 212!” cheers from the crowd, and when Mandi started running with me the last quarter mile, she said “Give it all you’ve got!!” I replied “I don’t think I have much more!” and she said “Well, you are running pretty fast!”
I turned the corner and saw the finish line, and shouted “NO WAY!!!!!!!” The tears started to roll.
I got my medal, hugged Mandi, and asked, “Am I really done?”
Run goal: 2 hours.
Actual: 1:58:30. Pace: 9:03.
Total goal: 6 hours.
Actual: 5:44:08.
AG place: 8/15 (damn competitive 30-34 age group!)
Gender place: 19/65 (my lucky number!)
Overall: 114/236
Conclusion:
1) DiamondMan was a GREAT first half. Small, well-supported, flat.
2) All finish lines should have more gluten-free options.
3) I’m totally doing that distance again!!!!!
**Peeing on the bike is a badge of honor in triathlon. If I had to go #2 I would have stopped. :)
And youth is gone,
And you can't straighten up when you bend.
But stiff back
Or stiff knees,
You stand straight at Tiffany's.
Diamonds! Diamonds!
I don't mean rhinestones!
But diamonds are a girl's best friend."
--Jule Styne, "Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend."
(From the Broadway musical "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes.")
DiamondMan Half IronMan: Abby’s First Race Report is too long.
Executive Summary:
1) Rain and cooler temperatures are much better for a triathlon than 100 degrees and sunny.
2) Mandi Leissoo is an amazing friend and cheerleader.
3) I had the best race of my life.
Bear, Delaware: Where is that?
Bear is 2 hours from DC. I chose DiamondMan for my first HIM because Bear isn’t that far, the race was towards the end of the season (sadly, the same day as Nation’s, but we all make our choices!), and the course is relatively flat. I wanted to set myself up for success, which I totally did, and now I want to do more challenging HIMs. If I had done SavageMan as my first, I would be running screaming from this distance. We drove up Saturday late afternoon, checked into the hotel, drove past the race site, got some dinner and were asleep by 10:15. Perfect.
Race Morning: Rain, rain. The story of the 2010 season.
Wake up call at 5 AM. Raining. Ate, packed, got to the race site by 6:10. Set up my transition. Soaked. Chilly. THRILLED that the race was wetsuit legal. No time to dally; DiamondMan is a small race (only 281 registered) and there were two (yes, 2) swim waves. Men 49 and under at 7:15; EVERYONE ELSE at 7:20.
The Swim: Best of my life!
The floor of Lums Pond is very soft silt. You get sucked in up to your thighs in 2 steps. The start was about 200 meters off shore, and I got on my belly immediately to avoid the silt and to get my face in the water. I hyperventilated at both Columbia and IronGirl, so getting calm in the water and starting slowly are key for me. I swam out to the start very easy, and by the time I got there I heard the gun from the shore. I stayed wide and to the back for a couple hundred meters, found my stroke, and then found 5th gear. The bright yellow buoys were very easy to see against the brown water and grey sky, so I moved to an efficient line. I’m not a fast swimmer, but I’m strong, and I pulled my way back into the pack. I felt good (rare for me in the water), so I started pulling harder, reaching farther. I thought, “I don’t need my arms after this. GO!” The next thing I knew I spotted the ramp, and suddenly I was back on my feet. Watch: 41:30. WHAT??????
There’s a 1/3 to ½ mile run from the lake to the bike transition, so I found my shoes and started running. I saw Mandi, and she said “You weren’t supposed to be done for another couple of minutes! WOO HOO!”
Goal: 45-50 minutes
Actual: 41:30 in the water.
Official time including run: 45:17
The Bike: Who needs a computer?
I hopped on my bike after a relatively fast T1, pounded a gel, and chugged some water. Because of the rain there was no body-marking, so I had no idea who I was chasing. I looked at my computer: 00.00. CRAP. I thought, well, this is my sign that I should just listen to my body. I wanted to be on the edge of pushing hard so that I was going fast but saving something for the run. I am pretty chatty on the course, so I regularly asked folks who I rode with what their computers said… Every single time: “21.5” or “19.8” or “20 even.” WHAT? My goal was 18mph, but I felt good, so I kept going, the whole time thinking “You have to run 13.1 after this: don’t MASH your legs.”
The bike course is fairly flat and straight, so the rain wasn’t a huge factor. Reedy Point Bridge is a long but not particularly steep climb, and I didn’t touch the brakes on the way down. Right before the bridge is a metal grated bridge, and all the volunteers were saying “GET OFF YOUR BIKE AND WALK!!” I wasn’t planning to, but a guy wiped out about 20 feet in front of me and dislocated his shoulder, so I quickly clipped out and walked. Not worth the risk. This course is an out-and-back, so I did the same on the return.
I was definitely by myself for a lot of the ride, but I expected that and enjoyed it for the most part. Most people were really friendly, so we chatted as one of us passed the other. One woman on a Cervelo P3C informed me that I was “such a strong biker; you’d really be fast if you had a tri-bike!”
Thanks! Have $4000 for me?
The most amazing part of the whole ride was seeing Mandi 4 times. She drove around and would find me, then park ½ mile in front of me, hop out, ring a cowbell, and snap pictures. Probably my favorite moment was climbing Reedy Point Bridge for the last time with no one (car or bike) in front or behind me, and Mandi driving along side me for at least 4 or 5 minutes. She informed me that the car’s speedometer said 12 or 13 mph. HILARIOUS!
I ate an Odwalla Superfood Bar, two Espresso HammerGels, and an entire pack of Lemon Lime Cliff Shot Blocks. I drank one bottle of diluted Gatorade and 2 bottles of water. I executed my first successful water bottle exchange at mile 22. I didn’t need to exchange at mile 42.
Goal: 3:00. 18 mph.
Actual: 2:55:21. 19.1 mph.
Minutes saved for not stopping to pee: 3-4.**
Minutes spent scrubbing my bike shoes with a soapy brush when I got home: 10.
The Run: Planning for the crap out.
I left T2 with 3:47 on my watch and started running through the campground with a GIANT smile on my face because I knew I had 2:13 to make a sub-6 finish. I felt good; perhaps a little hungry, and I got a lot of “Hey 212! Great smile! You look strong!” as I ran. The majority of this run is along a canal, on dirt/sand, and nowhere near people. Only the first and last 2.5 miles are on the road. There is a giant downhill at mile 2.5 to get to the canal, and I said out loud “Wow, that’s going to suck on the way back!” to which a course veteran replied “And it does!”
I saw the first woman when I was the 4-mile marker (so she was at 9 miles) and told her she was in first; she replied with an enthusiastic “Thank you!” so I continued to count the women as they passed. I stopped counting around 15, and I was only about a half-mile from the turnaround. I knew I was right around 20th at that point. I passed one woman at mile 8, and I held 19th position across the finish.
I ate my last gel at 6 miles, but it was a little far from the aid station at the turnaround, and I should have waited a little longer. I walked 10-15 seconds through every water station, making sure to get a decent drink. I never craved or asked for Gatorade until mile 12, but I am sure I wasn’t sweating as much because of the low temps. At mile 9, when I looked over my shoulder to gauge whether the person behind me was far enough away not to notice the “water” running down my leg, I figured I was probably well-hydrated. Yes, Mom: I peed my pants on the bike AND the run.
I was doing a lot of complex math while running, as in:
“Well, if my legs crap out now, I only need to do 10-minute miles to finish under 6 hours… if my legs crap out NOW, I still have an hour to finish the last 5 miles… or if my legs crap out NOW…”
You get the idea.
I allowed myself to power-walk up the hill at mile 10.5, and it felt good to use different muscles for a couple of minutes. When I got to the top, I challenged myself to blast out the last 2.5 miles, and when I saw Mandi at the 11-mile marker, I joked that I was “running too fast.” I passed her at about 5:26 on my watch, and at that point, my legs disconnected from my body and I started cruising with a giant smile on my face. When I got back to the campground for the last mile, I had to remind myself that it wasn’t time to cry yet—there was still one more mile to run. I got a lot of “Looking strong, 212!” cheers from the crowd, and when Mandi started running with me the last quarter mile, she said “Give it all you’ve got!!” I replied “I don’t think I have much more!” and she said “Well, you are running pretty fast!”
I turned the corner and saw the finish line, and shouted “NO WAY!!!!!!!” The tears started to roll.
I got my medal, hugged Mandi, and asked, “Am I really done?”
Run goal: 2 hours.
Actual: 1:58:30. Pace: 9:03.
Total goal: 6 hours.
Actual: 5:44:08.
AG place: 8/15 (damn competitive 30-34 age group!)
Gender place: 19/65 (my lucky number!)
Overall: 114/236
Conclusion:
1) DiamondMan was a GREAT first half. Small, well-supported, flat.
2) All finish lines should have more gluten-free options.
3) I’m totally doing that distance again!!!!!
**Peeing on the bike is a badge of honor in triathlon. If I had to go #2 I would have stopped. :)
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Fate is Heavy
"The hand of fate is on me now
It pick me up and knock me down.
I'm on the run, I'm prison bound
The hand of fate is heavy now."
--The Rolling Stones, "Hand of Fate."
In April, I went to New Orleans with Marni and Stefanie for a girls' weekend. It was French Quarter Fest, and we had a blast.
Music.
Food.
Running.
Great weather.
Boy talk.
Excessive drinking.
It was awesome.
At one point, someone brought up the idea of visiting a psychic, and without much hesitation, we were all on board. Each of us got a very different, very personal reading. Marni and I were fairly impressed with how spot on Stef's seemed to be, but we were fairly skeptical about our own.
I, for one, was in a budding relationship that seemed fairly solid and I was floating on air in love with my boyfriend. I was shocked when she didn't immediately confirm that he was my soul mate. I was even further shocked when she started giving me warnings about his instability. She said our relationship would "change significantly after 4 months." I thought she meant we'd move in together (as we had discussed). What she meant was that we'd break up. Awesome.
I was also VERY skeptical about her assessment of my new boss. She mentioned an authoritative female figure causing me a lot of stress at the end of the summer. My boss was new and pleasant, and it seemed that she had her act together.
And now, here we are.
At the end of the summer.
And my boss is kill. ing. me.
So: if the CRAP came true, and I'm still alive and cheerful, then I'm excited but curious about what she said would happen next: She said I'd be a mom in a year and a half!
And I'm single.
So, I'm wondering, and laughing: who on earth is going to be my baby daddy and get me knocked up by January?????
Yes. We're all laughing. Everyone. Including all of you dudes who I'm casually dating right now. You're laughing at this, too.
![]()
It pick me up and knock me down.
I'm on the run, I'm prison bound
The hand of fate is heavy now."
--The Rolling Stones, "Hand of Fate."
In April, I went to New Orleans with Marni and Stefanie for a girls' weekend. It was French Quarter Fest, and we had a blast.
Music.
Food.
Running.
Great weather.
Boy talk.
Excessive drinking.
It was awesome.
At one point, someone brought up the idea of visiting a psychic, and without much hesitation, we were all on board. Each of us got a very different, very personal reading. Marni and I were fairly impressed with how spot on Stef's seemed to be, but we were fairly skeptical about our own.
I, for one, was in a budding relationship that seemed fairly solid and I was floating on air in love with my boyfriend. I was shocked when she didn't immediately confirm that he was my soul mate. I was even further shocked when she started giving me warnings about his instability. She said our relationship would "change significantly after 4 months." I thought she meant we'd move in together (as we had discussed). What she meant was that we'd break up. Awesome.
I was also VERY skeptical about her assessment of my new boss. She mentioned an authoritative female figure causing me a lot of stress at the end of the summer. My boss was new and pleasant, and it seemed that she had her act together.
And now, here we are.
At the end of the summer.
And my boss is kill. ing. me.
So: if the CRAP came true, and I'm still alive and cheerful, then I'm excited but curious about what she said would happen next: She said I'd be a mom in a year and a half!
And I'm single.
So, I'm wondering, and laughing: who on earth is going to be my baby daddy and get me knocked up by January?????
Yes. We're all laughing. Everyone. Including all of you dudes who I'm casually dating right now. You're laughing at this, too.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
I'll Come Running
"When you're down and troubled
And you need a helping hand
And nothing, no nothing is going right.
Close your eyes and think of me
And soon I will be there
To brighten up even your darkest nights.
You just call out my name,
And you know wherever I am
I'll come running, oh yeah baby
To see you again.
Winter, spring, summer, or fall,
All you have to do is call
And I'll be there, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You've got a friend.
If the sky above you
Should turn dark and full of clouds
And that old north wind should begin to blow
Keep your head together and call my name out loud
And soon I will be knocking upon your door.
You just call out my name and you know where ever I am
I'll come running to see you again.
Winter, spring, summer or fall
All you got to do is call
And I'll be there, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey, ain't it good to know that you've got a friend?
When people can be so cold?
They'll hurt you and desert you.
Well they'll take your soul if you let them.
Oh yeah, but don't you let them.
You just call out my name and you know wherever I am
I'll come running to see you again.
Oh babe, don't you know that,
Winter Spring summer or fall,
Hey now, all you've got to do is call.
Lord, I'll be there, yes I will.
You've got a friend."
--Carole King, "You've Got a Friend."
And you need a helping hand
And nothing, no nothing is going right.
Close your eyes and think of me
And soon I will be there
To brighten up even your darkest nights.
You just call out my name,
And you know wherever I am
I'll come running, oh yeah baby
To see you again.
Winter, spring, summer, or fall,
All you have to do is call
And I'll be there, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You've got a friend.
If the sky above you
Should turn dark and full of clouds
And that old north wind should begin to blow
Keep your head together and call my name out loud
And soon I will be knocking upon your door.
You just call out my name and you know where ever I am
I'll come running to see you again.
Winter, spring, summer or fall
All you got to do is call
And I'll be there, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey, ain't it good to know that you've got a friend?
When people can be so cold?
They'll hurt you and desert you.
Well they'll take your soul if you let them.
Oh yeah, but don't you let them.
You just call out my name and you know wherever I am
I'll come running to see you again.
Oh babe, don't you know that,
Winter Spring summer or fall,
Hey now, all you've got to do is call.
Lord, I'll be there, yes I will.
You've got a friend."
--Carole King, "You've Got a Friend."
Monday, August 30, 2010
I'll Be Your Friend
"Lean on me when you're not strong,
and I'll be your friend.
I'll help you carry on.
For, it won't be long
till I'm going to need
Somebody to lean on."
--Bill Withers, "Lean on Me."
I was running with my sister the other day as we visited our parents in Wisconsin, and we were talking about friendship. I should interject that I LOVE running with my sister. It is something I never even thought to hope for.
Anyway.
My sister has always been very good at maintaining a network of friends. As long as I can remember, she's had a group, a gang, a posse. She's always had at least two gay male advisors. At times when I was younger, I was envious. But over the years I think I've learned a lot from her.
"To have a friend, you have to be a friend," she said on Sunday as we ran. I thought I knew what that meant when I was a kid--always trying to make other people happy, trying never to be a burden. "And you have to let them know you aren't perfect all the time, too."
Oh, the wisdom of my older sister. I am so lucky to have her.
The context of our converstaion was different from a situation I am facing right now, but completely relatable.
I think I am in the process of losing an old friend.
The sad part is that neither one of us has been a good friend to each other in the past year. I acknowledged my part of it, and I asked forgiveness. She did neither. There's not much else I can do or say to salvage this relationship if she wants out.
So. What will I do?
I will try to show each and every person who I am blessed to have in my life how much they mean to me. I will make plans to see them, support them in their passions, and be there when they need me. I will lean on them when I'm in need. I will show them my love and gratitude for being in my life.
I will be grateful that I learned how to be a friend.
Dedicated to: Emily, Erin, Marni, Ashley, Christina, Stef, Steph, Heather, Annie, Ann, Mandi, Kris, Ben, Christy, Nan...
And even the friend I think I'm losing. You know who you are, and I will always love you.
Some other photos from the trip:
Me, after getting my butt kicked by giant men on wicked hills:
Burying Ben in the sand! Nice work, Papa Dan:
Pontoon Boat Ride Family Fun
Tossing the kid in the lake!
and I'll be your friend.
I'll help you carry on.
For, it won't be long
till I'm going to need
Somebody to lean on."
--Bill Withers, "Lean on Me."
I was running with my sister the other day as we visited our parents in Wisconsin, and we were talking about friendship. I should interject that I LOVE running with my sister. It is something I never even thought to hope for.
Anyway.
My sister has always been very good at maintaining a network of friends. As long as I can remember, she's had a group, a gang, a posse. She's always had at least two gay male advisors. At times when I was younger, I was envious. But over the years I think I've learned a lot from her.
"To have a friend, you have to be a friend," she said on Sunday as we ran. I thought I knew what that meant when I was a kid--always trying to make other people happy, trying never to be a burden. "And you have to let them know you aren't perfect all the time, too."
Oh, the wisdom of my older sister. I am so lucky to have her.
The context of our converstaion was different from a situation I am facing right now, but completely relatable.
I think I am in the process of losing an old friend.
The sad part is that neither one of us has been a good friend to each other in the past year. I acknowledged my part of it, and I asked forgiveness. She did neither. There's not much else I can do or say to salvage this relationship if she wants out.
So. What will I do?
I will try to show each and every person who I am blessed to have in my life how much they mean to me. I will make plans to see them, support them in their passions, and be there when they need me. I will lean on them when I'm in need. I will show them my love and gratitude for being in my life.
I will be grateful that I learned how to be a friend.
Dedicated to: Emily, Erin, Marni, Ashley, Christina, Stef, Steph, Heather, Annie, Ann, Mandi, Kris, Ben, Christy, Nan...
And even the friend I think I'm losing. You know who you are, and I will always love you.
Some other photos from the trip:
Me, after getting my butt kicked by giant men on wicked hills:
Burying Ben in the sand! Nice work, Papa Dan:
Pontoon Boat Ride Family Fun
Tossing the kid in the lake!
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Spinning
"Take me back, just before I was spinning.
Take me back, just before I got dizzy."
--Dave Matthews Band, "So Damn Lucky."
So, once I was in a bike shop in Madison, Wisconsin, and I picked up a book for training for an IronMan triathlon. The schedule was something like "Get up at 4 AM, ride your bike for way too long, go to work, take a nap, eat some food, go back to work, go for a long run, and go to bed at 9 PM."
I remember laughing out loud.
I also remember volunteering for the Ford IronMan Wisconsin 3 times and watching people get off of their bikes with such blank stares, you knew there was virtually no brain function except that which kept them breathing.
This one dude dismounted his bike (which he had been on for 112 miles), and said, "Where do I go now?"
Someone guided him to T2. I remember thinking... "You have to go run a MARATHON NOW!!!!!!!"
Currently, I am training for a Half IronMan. The math: a 1.2-mile swim, a 56-mile bike, and then a half marathon. My race is in 29 days. I got up this morning at 5 AM, biked to the gym, dropped of my gym bag, and then pounded out 42 miles at Hains Point before heading back, dousing myself with water and perfume, throwing on some clothes, and then collapsing at my desk, where I've been for the past 6 hours.
I AM BRAINDEAD. I know that someone will tell me I'm not getting the proper nutrition, and that's why I'm so braindead. I don't want to overcaffeinate myself.
And yet.
This weekend I got tempted--truly tempted, for the first time--to do a full IronMan.
Someone, please remind me of this moment when I am about to put $500 down on a race that will, for all intents and purposes, ruin my life.
Please.
Take me back, just before I got dizzy."
--Dave Matthews Band, "So Damn Lucky."
So, once I was in a bike shop in Madison, Wisconsin, and I picked up a book for training for an IronMan triathlon. The schedule was something like "Get up at 4 AM, ride your bike for way too long, go to work, take a nap, eat some food, go back to work, go for a long run, and go to bed at 9 PM."
I remember laughing out loud.
I also remember volunteering for the Ford IronMan Wisconsin 3 times and watching people get off of their bikes with such blank stares, you knew there was virtually no brain function except that which kept them breathing.
This one dude dismounted his bike (which he had been on for 112 miles), and said, "Where do I go now?"
Someone guided him to T2. I remember thinking... "You have to go run a MARATHON NOW!!!!!!!"
Currently, I am training for a Half IronMan. The math: a 1.2-mile swim, a 56-mile bike, and then a half marathon. My race is in 29 days. I got up this morning at 5 AM, biked to the gym, dropped of my gym bag, and then pounded out 42 miles at Hains Point before heading back, dousing myself with water and perfume, throwing on some clothes, and then collapsing at my desk, where I've been for the past 6 hours.
I AM BRAINDEAD. I know that someone will tell me I'm not getting the proper nutrition, and that's why I'm so braindead. I don't want to overcaffeinate myself.
And yet.
This weekend I got tempted--truly tempted, for the first time--to do a full IronMan.
Someone, please remind me of this moment when I am about to put $500 down on a race that will, for all intents and purposes, ruin my life.
Please.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Bait Your Hook
"Well, if the fish isn't on your line,
Bait your hook and keep on trying.
Don't let him get you down,
There's other boys around."
--The Marvelettes, "Too Many Fish in the Sea."
Wow, look at all the fish in this water! They are EVERYWHERE. :)
Now, a public service announcement.
Straight boys, listen up: I've had... enough... of the moody, brooding, over-analytical type who get lost inside their own bullsh*t.
Where's the man who is bold enough to just do what's on his mind? Go after what he wants? That's the guy I want. Yep, I'm intimidating as ALL HELL. Brilliant, talented, athletic, tall, blond, attractive. I'm what you say you all want. And then you chicken OUT when you meet me.
Man up. A woman only wants SO many pen pals.
And then she just wants a MAN.
The guy who is bold enough to ask me out and confident in himself to believe that he deserves such a wonderful woman in his life?
Call me.
Bait your hook and keep on trying.
Don't let him get you down,
There's other boys around."
--The Marvelettes, "Too Many Fish in the Sea."
Wow, look at all the fish in this water! They are EVERYWHERE. :)
Now, a public service announcement.
Straight boys, listen up: I've had... enough... of the moody, brooding, over-analytical type who get lost inside their own bullsh*t.
Where's the man who is bold enough to just do what's on his mind? Go after what he wants? That's the guy I want. Yep, I'm intimidating as ALL HELL. Brilliant, talented, athletic, tall, blond, attractive. I'm what you say you all want. And then you chicken OUT when you meet me.
Man up. A woman only wants SO many pen pals.
And then she just wants a MAN.
The guy who is bold enough to ask me out and confident in himself to believe that he deserves such a wonderful woman in his life?
Call me.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Diving In
"Wake up sleepy head, I think the sun's a little brighter today
Smile and watch the icicles melt away and see the water rising."
-Dave Matthews Band, "Dive In."
So. Apparently I need to jump back in the water.
I will certainly start in the shallow end, where I can see the bottom, see my hands and feet and toes. I will only go into depths where I can still touch the bottom. But, standing on the shore and staring out across the water in fear isn't working anymore.
Yep, I'm a little scared to dive in, lest I find myself again gasping for air. But standing and staring and wondering and worrying is a scarier place for me.
They say when you get in a car accident or crash your bike, one of the best ways to get over it is to get back behind the wheel or get right back in the saddle, so the fear doesn't set in.
I don't want this fear to hold onto me for another second.
So I'm diving in.
Smile and watch the icicles melt away and see the water rising."
-Dave Matthews Band, "Dive In."
So. Apparently I need to jump back in the water.
I will certainly start in the shallow end, where I can see the bottom, see my hands and feet and toes. I will only go into depths where I can still touch the bottom. But, standing on the shore and staring out across the water in fear isn't working anymore.
Yep, I'm a little scared to dive in, lest I find myself again gasping for air. But standing and staring and wondering and worrying is a scarier place for me.
They say when you get in a car accident or crash your bike, one of the best ways to get over it is to get back behind the wheel or get right back in the saddle, so the fear doesn't set in.
I don't want this fear to hold onto me for another second.
So I'm diving in.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Growing Hungry
"I don't mind stealing bread from the mouths of decadence.
But I can't feed on the powerless when my cup's already overfilled."
--Hunger Strike, "Temple of the Dog."
I knid of want to eat my arm.
I've been training for a Half IronMan triathlon on September 12, 2010. It's the "DiamondMan" in Bear, DE.
Will it be my first? Will it be my last? Who knows, but lately my workouts are long and intense. I never knew I was an endurance athlete--until I tried, I guess. Yesterday I did 45 minutes on the bike and then ran for an hour, and I felt the strongest in the last half hour of that workout. That's a little sick.
What's sicker is how HARD I BONKED about an hour and a half later. Oof. Apparently I don't know how to feed myself. And this morning all I can think about is "What am I going to eat next?" and "Is it too soon to eat again?"
I'm totally outside my expertise here. I mean, am I going to have to start drinking protein shakes? Like, FTW. I'm a girl.
It was interesting reading different song lyrics on hunger to start this blog post. There are lots of similarities to what's going on in my stomach and what's going on in my heart.
I'm growing hungry, indeed. And I need to find the right nourishment. No ordinary meal will suffice.
I want the good stuff! Bring it!
But I can't feed on the powerless when my cup's already overfilled."
--Hunger Strike, "Temple of the Dog."
I knid of want to eat my arm.
I've been training for a Half IronMan triathlon on September 12, 2010. It's the "DiamondMan" in Bear, DE.
Will it be my first? Will it be my last? Who knows, but lately my workouts are long and intense. I never knew I was an endurance athlete--until I tried, I guess. Yesterday I did 45 minutes on the bike and then ran for an hour, and I felt the strongest in the last half hour of that workout. That's a little sick.
What's sicker is how HARD I BONKED about an hour and a half later. Oof. Apparently I don't know how to feed myself. And this morning all I can think about is "What am I going to eat next?" and "Is it too soon to eat again?"
I'm totally outside my expertise here. I mean, am I going to have to start drinking protein shakes? Like, FTW. I'm a girl.
It was interesting reading different song lyrics on hunger to start this blog post. There are lots of similarities to what's going on in my stomach and what's going on in my heart.
I'm growing hungry, indeed. And I need to find the right nourishment. No ordinary meal will suffice.
I want the good stuff! Bring it!
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Out of Tune
"What would you think if I sang out of tune,
Would you stand up and walk out on me?
Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song,
And I'll try not to sing out of key."
--The Beatles, "A Little Help From my Friends."
I just want to give a little shout out to all of my wonderful friends and family who have been so amazingly supportive over the past month (or so). As I write this, I am feeling a sadness that just leaks out my eyes such that I can't stop it, and as much as I want to pick up the phone and ask Emily, or Ashley, or Mom, or Marni, or Heather, or Erin, or Christina, or Ann, or Stefanie, or Dad to hold my hand and tell me it's going to be okay, I'm going to try to give them all a break by writing instead.
I've been attempting to spread all the garbage around so that no one gets too much at once, but I know when I've hit people's upper limits. I apologize, especially to Mom (who gets a daily dose), and to Marni and Stef for dinner last week. I thank you for your support. The pain gets duller each day, but some days, like today, I'm overtired, and all I want is someone who is going to give me a hug when I get home. But that's not going to happen today.
So I'll just pray, and give thanks for the love around me.
Would you stand up and walk out on me?
Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song,
And I'll try not to sing out of key."
--The Beatles, "A Little Help From my Friends."
I just want to give a little shout out to all of my wonderful friends and family who have been so amazingly supportive over the past month (or so). As I write this, I am feeling a sadness that just leaks out my eyes such that I can't stop it, and as much as I want to pick up the phone and ask Emily, or Ashley, or Mom, or Marni, or Heather, or Erin, or Christina, or Ann, or Stefanie, or Dad to hold my hand and tell me it's going to be okay, I'm going to try to give them all a break by writing instead.
I've been attempting to spread all the garbage around so that no one gets too much at once, but I know when I've hit people's upper limits. I apologize, especially to Mom (who gets a daily dose), and to Marni and Stef for dinner last week. I thank you for your support. The pain gets duller each day, but some days, like today, I'm overtired, and all I want is someone who is going to give me a hug when I get home. But that's not going to happen today.
So I'll just pray, and give thanks for the love around me.
Monday, July 19, 2010
Ode on a MoCo Morning
Alarm Clock. Coffee.
Oats. Coffee.
Ade of the gator.
Pickup, meetup. Wheels up.
Take that, Brickyard Road!
Oh, the houses I'll never afford.
Sun beating down. Sweating.
Thank you trees.
35 mph
8 mph
35 mph
Wheeeee! Enjoy it now; you'll pay for it later.
Ugh. Irresponsible gearing.
8 mph
Moving in and out of aero gets easier.
Don't beep at me!
Shot Blocks. Water. Grime.
Hey! I know you.
Take that, River Road.
No flats, phew.
Where did the miles go?
Oats. Coffee.
Ade of the gator.
Pickup, meetup. Wheels up.
Take that, Brickyard Road!
Oh, the houses I'll never afford.
Sun beating down. Sweating.
Thank you trees.
35 mph
8 mph
35 mph
Wheeeee! Enjoy it now; you'll pay for it later.
Ugh. Irresponsible gearing.
8 mph
Moving in and out of aero gets easier.
Don't beep at me!
Shot Blocks. Water. Grime.
Hey! I know you.
Take that, River Road.
No flats, phew.
Where did the miles go?
Thursday, July 15, 2010
I am a Rock Star
"You weren't there, you never were
You want it all but that's not fair
I gave you life, I gave my all
You weren't there, you let me fall
So, so what?
I'm still a rock star
I got my rock moves, and I don't need you
And guess what?
I'm havin' more fun
And now that we're done, I'm gonna show you tonight
I'm alright
I'm just fine and you're a TOOL
So, so what?
I am a rock star
I got my rock moves and I don't want you tonight."
--Pink, "So What."
Sometimes, my workout mix of bad dance music makes me smile.
A lot.
And, actually, I kind of *am* a rock star. Like, I sing in a band, and we rock. And I did a 35-mile bike ride before work this morning and averaged 22mph. Woot.
So, yeah. I got my rock moves. I get to have these moments, just like everyone else.
That isn't to say that I'M SO EXHAUSTED I COULD CRY because I only got 5 hours of sleep the past 3 nights, but I'll recover.
I am a rock star, after all.
You want it all but that's not fair
I gave you life, I gave my all
You weren't there, you let me fall
So, so what?
I'm still a rock star
I got my rock moves, and I don't need you
And guess what?
I'm havin' more fun
And now that we're done, I'm gonna show you tonight
I'm alright
I'm just fine and you're a TOOL
So, so what?
I am a rock star
I got my rock moves and I don't want you tonight."
--Pink, "So What."
Sometimes, my workout mix of bad dance music makes me smile.
A lot.
And, actually, I kind of *am* a rock star. Like, I sing in a band, and we rock. And I did a 35-mile bike ride before work this morning and averaged 22mph. Woot.
So, yeah. I got my rock moves. I get to have these moments, just like everyone else.
That isn't to say that I'M SO EXHAUSTED I COULD CRY because I only got 5 hours of sleep the past 3 nights, but I'll recover.
I am a rock star, after all.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Left Unlocked?
"I love you whether or not you love me
I love you even if you think I don’t
Sometimes I find you doubt my love for you
But I don’t mind
Why should I mind, Why should I mind
What is love anyway, does anybody Love anybody anyway
What is love anyway, does anybody Love anybody anyway
Can anybody love anyone so much that they will never fear
Never worry never be sad
The answer is they cannot love this much nobody can
This is why I don’t mind you doubting
What is love anyway, does anybody Love anybody anyway
What is love anyway, does anybody Love anybody anyway
And maybe love is letting people be just what they want to be
The door always must be left unlocked
To love when circumstance may lead someone away from you
And not to spend the time just doubting
What is love anyway, does anybody Love anybody anyway
What is love anyway, does anybody Love anybody anyway"
--Howard Jones, "What is Love?"
I love you even if you think I don’t
Sometimes I find you doubt my love for you
But I don’t mind
Why should I mind, Why should I mind
What is love anyway, does anybody Love anybody anyway
What is love anyway, does anybody Love anybody anyway
Can anybody love anyone so much that they will never fear
Never worry never be sad
The answer is they cannot love this much nobody can
This is why I don’t mind you doubting
What is love anyway, does anybody Love anybody anyway
What is love anyway, does anybody Love anybody anyway
And maybe love is letting people be just what they want to be
The door always must be left unlocked
To love when circumstance may lead someone away from you
And not to spend the time just doubting
What is love anyway, does anybody Love anybody anyway
What is love anyway, does anybody Love anybody anyway"
--Howard Jones, "What is Love?"
Lies Lies Lies Yeah
"You told me you loved me
So I don't understand
Why promises are snapped in two
And words are made to bend."
--The Thompson Twins, "Lies."
I've recently experienced a man's lies of phenomenal proportions. Processing it and expunging it from my system has been coming in chunks and spurts. Every time I tell the story to another person, the response is the same... they are dumbfounded, sickened, confused, and disgusted. As am I.
As indulgent as it might seem to post this story publicly, I honestly think it might be the only way to completely get it out of my system. Stay tuned. I am only capable of writing about this in chunks and spurts.
So I don't understand
Why promises are snapped in two
And words are made to bend."
--The Thompson Twins, "Lies."
I've recently experienced a man's lies of phenomenal proportions. Processing it and expunging it from my system has been coming in chunks and spurts. Every time I tell the story to another person, the response is the same... they are dumbfounded, sickened, confused, and disgusted. As am I.
As indulgent as it might seem to post this story publicly, I honestly think it might be the only way to completely get it out of my system. Stay tuned. I am only capable of writing about this in chunks and spurts.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
You Can’t Run Away From Yourself
Now, don’t just walk away
Pretending everything’s ok
And you don’t care about me
And I know there’s just no use
When all your lies become your truths
And I don’t care
Could you look me in the eye
And tell me that you’re happy now?
Would you tell it to my face or have I been erased?
Are you happy now?
Are you happy now?
You took all there was to take
And left me with an empty plate
And you don’t care about it
And I am givin' up this game
I’m leaving you with all the blame
Cause I don’t care
Could you look me in the eye
And tell me that you’re happy now?
Would you tell it to my face or have I been erased?
Are you happy now?
Are you happy now?
Are you happy now?
Do you really have everything you want?
You can't ever give somethin' you ain't got
You can’t run away from yourself
Could you look me in the eye
And tell me that you're happy now?
Come on, tell it to my face or have I been replaced?
Are you happy now?
Are you happy now?
Would you look me in the eye?
Could you look me in the eye?
I’ve had all that I can take
I'm not about to break
Cause I’m happy now
Are you happy now?
Pretending everything’s ok
And you don’t care about me
And I know there’s just no use
When all your lies become your truths
And I don’t care
Could you look me in the eye
And tell me that you’re happy now?
Would you tell it to my face or have I been erased?
Are you happy now?
Are you happy now?
You took all there was to take
And left me with an empty plate
And you don’t care about it
And I am givin' up this game
I’m leaving you with all the blame
Cause I don’t care
Could you look me in the eye
And tell me that you’re happy now?
Would you tell it to my face or have I been erased?
Are you happy now?
Are you happy now?
Are you happy now?
Do you really have everything you want?
You can't ever give somethin' you ain't got
You can’t run away from yourself
Could you look me in the eye
And tell me that you're happy now?
Come on, tell it to my face or have I been replaced?
Are you happy now?
Are you happy now?
Would you look me in the eye?
Could you look me in the eye?
I’ve had all that I can take
I'm not about to break
Cause I’m happy now
Are you happy now?
Friday, June 4, 2010
Freedom
"I say love me, hold me.
Love me, hold me.
'Cause I'm free to do what I want, any old time.
And I'm free to be who I choose, any old time"
--The Soup Dragons, "I'm Free."
Once I saw Maya Angelou on Oprah. She was 72 years old and she said something--I can't quote it exactly--about how she wanted to learn and change and grow and refine herself every single day, and that when she stopped doing those things, it would be the day she died.
I think of this often.
I think about my personal journey of self-awareness and self-refinement, and how I have often aimed to just "get it right." How I would love to wake up one day and think, "Phew! Got it!" And the world would open itself to me in a completely different way. It's a laughable aim when you think about it, but it's one that I can't deny. It's akin to wanting to wake up one day as someone else.
A decade and a half of emotional abuse taught me this. Taught me to wish that I was someone else. Taught me to believe that I wasn't "getting it right" by just being me. That I had to fix or change or sculpt myself in some different way to be acceptable to others. To be acceptable to myself.
Rationally, I comprehend that "getting it right" means loving myself and accepting myself as I am. I can expound on self-love and self-acceptance and their importance. I can tell other people they must love themselves first. I can help them do it. But If I'm being honest, I've personally only had glimpses of it.
I've denied to myself and to others what I have known for a long time: that my natural, primal, basal response to certain situations is to identify rejection from others and then unworthiness in myself. I've longed for that not to be my reality. I've prayed to wake up one day and have my baseline be "I'm awesome," like a flip was switched and the self-hate was just over. I have wondered what its like to just feel the love... for me.
Lately, though, a light has been shining on a path for self-acceptance, and I'm taking some cautious steps in that direction. It's scary, but kind of exciting. The light is this: accepting the fact that I have a baseline of "I suck and everyone hates me" is my liberation from it.
For too long I've tried to crop out the ugly stuff. I've tried to deny this part of myself. I've blamed others for keeping me in a box of perfection; maybe I constructed that box all by myself? Sure, I learned how to make that box because I was taught by others how to hate myself, but if I made the box, then I can destroy it.
For me, "getting it right" isn't pretending to "get it right." For me, freedom comes from accepting that I went through some pretty shitty experiences and that I have a regular tendency to panic that I am being rejected. Rather than denying it when it is happening or having a shame spiral that this is in fact my baseline, allowing myself space to acknowledge those feelings, to honor them as real even if they are usually unfounded, to analyze them and indulge in them *briefly*... I begin to accept myself as I am. I break out of the box of (false) perfection.
And then I get to choose how to be.
I've come a long way to get here. When I'm not (exhausted, cranky, sick, scared, what have you), I'm usually rational enough to stay present and evaluate the reality in front of me. But life loves to throw fun challenges at us, and I'm undoubtedly going to often be exhausted, cranky, sick, scared, or what have you.
Perhaps it's possible to accept my whole self: Fun, loving, caring, giving, energetic, adventurous, ambitious... and occasionally self-loathing and anxious.
Yep, that's me.
Love me, hold me.
'Cause I'm free to do what I want, any old time.
And I'm free to be who I choose, any old time"
--The Soup Dragons, "I'm Free."
Once I saw Maya Angelou on Oprah. She was 72 years old and she said something--I can't quote it exactly--about how she wanted to learn and change and grow and refine herself every single day, and that when she stopped doing those things, it would be the day she died.
I think of this often.
I think about my personal journey of self-awareness and self-refinement, and how I have often aimed to just "get it right." How I would love to wake up one day and think, "Phew! Got it!" And the world would open itself to me in a completely different way. It's a laughable aim when you think about it, but it's one that I can't deny. It's akin to wanting to wake up one day as someone else.
A decade and a half of emotional abuse taught me this. Taught me to wish that I was someone else. Taught me to believe that I wasn't "getting it right" by just being me. That I had to fix or change or sculpt myself in some different way to be acceptable to others. To be acceptable to myself.
Rationally, I comprehend that "getting it right" means loving myself and accepting myself as I am. I can expound on self-love and self-acceptance and their importance. I can tell other people they must love themselves first. I can help them do it. But If I'm being honest, I've personally only had glimpses of it.
I've denied to myself and to others what I have known for a long time: that my natural, primal, basal response to certain situations is to identify rejection from others and then unworthiness in myself. I've longed for that not to be my reality. I've prayed to wake up one day and have my baseline be "I'm awesome," like a flip was switched and the self-hate was just over. I have wondered what its like to just feel the love... for me.
Lately, though, a light has been shining on a path for self-acceptance, and I'm taking some cautious steps in that direction. It's scary, but kind of exciting. The light is this: accepting the fact that I have a baseline of "I suck and everyone hates me" is my liberation from it.
For too long I've tried to crop out the ugly stuff. I've tried to deny this part of myself. I've blamed others for keeping me in a box of perfection; maybe I constructed that box all by myself? Sure, I learned how to make that box because I was taught by others how to hate myself, but if I made the box, then I can destroy it.
For me, "getting it right" isn't pretending to "get it right." For me, freedom comes from accepting that I went through some pretty shitty experiences and that I have a regular tendency to panic that I am being rejected. Rather than denying it when it is happening or having a shame spiral that this is in fact my baseline, allowing myself space to acknowledge those feelings, to honor them as real even if they are usually unfounded, to analyze them and indulge in them *briefly*... I begin to accept myself as I am. I break out of the box of (false) perfection.
And then I get to choose how to be.
I've come a long way to get here. When I'm not (exhausted, cranky, sick, scared, what have you), I'm usually rational enough to stay present and evaluate the reality in front of me. But life loves to throw fun challenges at us, and I'm undoubtedly going to often be exhausted, cranky, sick, scared, or what have you.
Perhaps it's possible to accept my whole self: Fun, loving, caring, giving, energetic, adventurous, ambitious... and occasionally self-loathing and anxious.
Yep, that's me.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Working It Out
"Sing and dance,
I'll play for you tonight;
The thrill of it all.
Dark clouds may hang on me sometimes,
But I'll work it out."
--Dave Matthews Band, "Dancing Nancies."
I will not be the first person to draw an analogy between an athletic event and life.
For my 10th multi-sport event, I raced the Columbia Triathlon on Sunday, May 23, 2010. It was rainy. The hills were not even close to a joke. The course was by far the most challenging I've ever completed. The bike course from Luray last year comes close, but the run at Columbia was brutal. It is proudly announced on the race web site that the run course "has been acknowledged as one of the most challenging in triathlon." It definitely was the most difficult 10k I've ever done, inside or outside of triathlon.
In addition to the course difficulties, though, I suffered a panic attack and hyperventilation at the beginning of the race. While anxiety in open water is not uncommon, it certainly is not helpful in a triathlon. Despite having been through this type of thing before (like, my first 6 triathlons until Dextro on 6/21/2009), despite having done an open water swim with my boyfriend the day prior, and despite the thousands upon thousands of meters I logged in various pools over the past 6 months, it still happened. And I was pissed off.
The thing about being in open water is that your choices are extremely limited: find a way through it or drown. So, I rolled over to get my face out of the water and began a humiliating backstroke. Staring up at a sky that was white with low, water-logged clouds, I cursed aloud.
"@#&*(@#$&*@*!! I thought I was past this! I thought I conquered this! I thought I could do this! @@#%$^%#%%$$%##@@~!"
I tried to block out all the pink caps swimming quickly away from me. Then, out of the corner of my eye, I noticed a bright yellow buoy. I was cruising past it. On my back.
Surely, my respiration rate came down, and about 300 or 400 meters into the race, I was able to roll over, put my face in the water, and pound through the rest of the 1500-meter swim course in a total time of 35:34. Not my fastest, but not that far behind it, either.
Soon thereafter, I was suffering the ups and downs of the rest of the course. I am pretty chatty out there, befriending folks I may ride with for a while, cheering on those who zip past me, encouraging those who are struggling. Jeff, age 50 (according to the number on his calf) and I biked together for a while before he zoomed out of my range. Steve (age 43) and I stirred up some "Mile Marker Parties" on the run course at Miles 2 and 4.
As I was running solo down the chute, I heard the announcer call my name, and I tried to hold back the tears of joy that always seem to sneak out of my eyes and ruin my finish-line photos. But I couldn't.
So. Did I "PR?"
Heck no.
But if I ever wanted to teach myself a lesson about:
Repeatedly conquering certain struggles...
Making progress even in the midst of pain...
Forgiving myself for a weakness and moving on...
Doing something I love even though I'm not the best at it...
Giving myself propers for doing something super difficult...
... and ...
Making friends along the journey...
...finishing this race reminded me of all of that.
If you've ever wondered why I love triathlon so much, maybe this will help you understand.
GIGANTIC SHOUTOUT TO SUPER SUPPORTIVE BOYFRIEND FOR a place to rest my head, photography, cheering me on at both transitions and the finish, and chauffering. You're awesome, love.
I'll play for you tonight;
The thrill of it all.
Dark clouds may hang on me sometimes,
But I'll work it out."
--Dave Matthews Band, "Dancing Nancies."
I will not be the first person to draw an analogy between an athletic event and life.
For my 10th multi-sport event, I raced the Columbia Triathlon on Sunday, May 23, 2010. It was rainy. The hills were not even close to a joke. The course was by far the most challenging I've ever completed. The bike course from Luray last year comes close, but the run at Columbia was brutal. It is proudly announced on the race web site that the run course "has been acknowledged as one of the most challenging in triathlon." It definitely was the most difficult 10k I've ever done, inside or outside of triathlon.
In addition to the course difficulties, though, I suffered a panic attack and hyperventilation at the beginning of the race. While anxiety in open water is not uncommon, it certainly is not helpful in a triathlon. Despite having been through this type of thing before (like, my first 6 triathlons until Dextro on 6/21/2009), despite having done an open water swim with my boyfriend the day prior, and despite the thousands upon thousands of meters I logged in various pools over the past 6 months, it still happened. And I was pissed off.
The thing about being in open water is that your choices are extremely limited: find a way through it or drown. So, I rolled over to get my face out of the water and began a humiliating backstroke. Staring up at a sky that was white with low, water-logged clouds, I cursed aloud.
"@#&*(@#$&*@*!! I thought I was past this! I thought I conquered this! I thought I could do this! @@#%$^%#%%$$%##@@~!"
I tried to block out all the pink caps swimming quickly away from me. Then, out of the corner of my eye, I noticed a bright yellow buoy. I was cruising past it. On my back.
Surely, my respiration rate came down, and about 300 or 400 meters into the race, I was able to roll over, put my face in the water, and pound through the rest of the 1500-meter swim course in a total time of 35:34. Not my fastest, but not that far behind it, either.
Soon thereafter, I was suffering the ups and downs of the rest of the course. I am pretty chatty out there, befriending folks I may ride with for a while, cheering on those who zip past me, encouraging those who are struggling. Jeff, age 50 (according to the number on his calf) and I biked together for a while before he zoomed out of my range. Steve (age 43) and I stirred up some "Mile Marker Parties" on the run course at Miles 2 and 4.
As I was running solo down the chute, I heard the announcer call my name, and I tried to hold back the tears of joy that always seem to sneak out of my eyes and ruin my finish-line photos. But I couldn't.
So. Did I "PR?"
Heck no.
But if I ever wanted to teach myself a lesson about:
Repeatedly conquering certain struggles...
Making progress even in the midst of pain...
Forgiving myself for a weakness and moving on...
Doing something I love even though I'm not the best at it...
Giving myself propers for doing something super difficult...
... and ...
Making friends along the journey...
...finishing this race reminded me of all of that.
If you've ever wondered why I love triathlon so much, maybe this will help you understand.
GIGANTIC SHOUTOUT TO SUPER SUPPORTIVE BOYFRIEND FOR a place to rest my head, photography, cheering me on at both transitions and the finish, and chauffering. You're awesome, love.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Going the Distance
"No trophy, no flowers, no flash bulbs, no wine.
He's haunted by something he cannot define.
Bowel shaking earthquakes of doubt and remorse,
Assail him, impale him with monster truck force."
--Cake, "The Distance."
Wish me luck. First triathlon of the season on Sunday!!!
He's haunted by something he cannot define.
Bowel shaking earthquakes of doubt and remorse,
Assail him, impale him with monster truck force."
--Cake, "The Distance."
Wish me luck. First triathlon of the season on Sunday!!!
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Beautiful
"No matter what we do
No matter what we say
We're the song inside the tune
Full of beautiful mistakes."
--Christina Aguilera, "Beautiful."
My mother is someone I admire very much for reasons inumerable, including her unfailing love and support for me. But, she did something that really impressed the heck out of me, and I mention it often: she went to graduate school at age 56, earned a Master's degree in Educational Leadership, and ended a decades-long career as a teacher to become an elementary school principal. And she rocks at it. She kills herself at it, but she's amazing, and her students and teachers love her.
My mom did her research and wrote her Master's thesis on bullying and relational aggression (the kind of bullying that doesn't involve hitting). As a principal, she has implemented bullying awareness programs, bullying policies, and has intervened very adeptly in active bullying cases. She recently told me a story about how she got a young boy to open up being bullied by his big brother and how that made him think it was okay or motivated him to bully another kid. He agreed to stop, and he also agreed to talk with her about the situation with his brother. Amazing.
My mother has done all of this because of me.
I don't really know how it started, but when we moved across the country from Wisconsin to Utah when I was 9, my life changed, and I became the target of a variety of tortures. It took on many forms over the years, but it never ceased from 4th through 12th grades.
There are a lot of stories I could tell about that. But, not right now. Right now I'm interested in, well, right now.
Right now, I've been bit in the ass by Insecurity. Insecurity brings lots of fun friends when it visits: Anxiety, Self-Doubt, Fear, Anger, Loneliness, Sadness, Frustration, Exhaustion. It doesn't just drain its main target (me), but it drains the people around me, too. It weighs on life like a ton of bricks. And then I get the wonderful spiral affect of "It sucks that I feel this way... AGAIN. Why am I not just OVER this already? Agh! I'm (however many) years old and I'm still thinking about (whatever happened that one time however many years ago)?"
Thankfully (thankfully? really?), I've been through this before. And, what lifts my spirit is knowing that the wave of peace is on its way. I have a good bit of experience beating the crap out of Insecurity and all of his pals, and I know what it feels like to have my feet firmly planted on the ground. The wonderful thing about Self-Respect is that once you find her, she never leaves you (or rather, you recognize that she's been there all along). Insecurity might try to hold her down every now and then, but Self-Respect is one tough cookie.
And as for Forgiveness: I won't lie. There's not a lot of benefit from trying to convince myself or others that I "forgive" those people who treated me badly. The truth is, I kind of don't. But, I work at forgiving myself for being human and for getting caught up every now and then in the remnants of a past that I can't change.
Addendum: I recently shared my experience with bullying with some friends who didn't know me then. One responded "You're amazing!" and the other "That happened to me, too." Sharing this experience and not hiding from it has helped me see that I don't have to be ashamed, and that I should give myself a little credit for not just surviving but triumphing over abuse.
Well, snaps for me, I guess!
No matter what we say
We're the song inside the tune
Full of beautiful mistakes."
--Christina Aguilera, "Beautiful."
My mother is someone I admire very much for reasons inumerable, including her unfailing love and support for me. But, she did something that really impressed the heck out of me, and I mention it often: she went to graduate school at age 56, earned a Master's degree in Educational Leadership, and ended a decades-long career as a teacher to become an elementary school principal. And she rocks at it. She kills herself at it, but she's amazing, and her students and teachers love her.
My mom did her research and wrote her Master's thesis on bullying and relational aggression (the kind of bullying that doesn't involve hitting). As a principal, she has implemented bullying awareness programs, bullying policies, and has intervened very adeptly in active bullying cases. She recently told me a story about how she got a young boy to open up being bullied by his big brother and how that made him think it was okay or motivated him to bully another kid. He agreed to stop, and he also agreed to talk with her about the situation with his brother. Amazing.
My mother has done all of this because of me.
I don't really know how it started, but when we moved across the country from Wisconsin to Utah when I was 9, my life changed, and I became the target of a variety of tortures. It took on many forms over the years, but it never ceased from 4th through 12th grades.
There are a lot of stories I could tell about that. But, not right now. Right now I'm interested in, well, right now.
Right now, I've been bit in the ass by Insecurity. Insecurity brings lots of fun friends when it visits: Anxiety, Self-Doubt, Fear, Anger, Loneliness, Sadness, Frustration, Exhaustion. It doesn't just drain its main target (me), but it drains the people around me, too. It weighs on life like a ton of bricks. And then I get the wonderful spiral affect of "It sucks that I feel this way... AGAIN. Why am I not just OVER this already? Agh! I'm (however many) years old and I'm still thinking about (whatever happened that one time however many years ago)?"
Thankfully (thankfully? really?), I've been through this before. And, what lifts my spirit is knowing that the wave of peace is on its way. I have a good bit of experience beating the crap out of Insecurity and all of his pals, and I know what it feels like to have my feet firmly planted on the ground. The wonderful thing about Self-Respect is that once you find her, she never leaves you (or rather, you recognize that she's been there all along). Insecurity might try to hold her down every now and then, but Self-Respect is one tough cookie.
And as for Forgiveness: I won't lie. There's not a lot of benefit from trying to convince myself or others that I "forgive" those people who treated me badly. The truth is, I kind of don't. But, I work at forgiving myself for being human and for getting caught up every now and then in the remnants of a past that I can't change.
Addendum: I recently shared my experience with bullying with some friends who didn't know me then. One responded "You're amazing!" and the other "That happened to me, too." Sharing this experience and not hiding from it has helped me see that I don't have to be ashamed, and that I should give myself a little credit for not just surviving but triumphing over abuse.
Well, snaps for me, I guess!
Monday, May 17, 2010
Original Thoughts
"Alone and bored on a thirtieth century night.
Will I see you on the Price is Right?
Will I cry, will I smile,
As you run, down the aisle?"
--Barenaked Ladies, "It's All Been Done."
I've tried blogging before, and I flopped. I took down my my first blog because I was in the middle of a divorce, and I didn't feel comfortable publishing personal thoughts at the time. I then attempted a more political, public blog, where I ranted briefly about the government and elections, but I lost steam after 3 posts.
Frankly, I don't consider myself a writer. If I could write anything, I would write songs. Oh, how I would write songs! I would write amazing, catchy tunes, and everyone would learn all the lyrics and sing along with me at my sold-out stadium shows. I certainly have tried my hand at writing songs, and I probably have one that's semi-decent and another half-finished song that could be something if I knew how to play the guitar better to finish off the chord progressions. But, no dice (yet).
Any time I've tried to write something more than just a diary entry and more than just a rant on Republicans, I've had this nagging thought that anything worth reading has already been written. I've surmised that, anything that I think I want to say about love, or life, or happiness, with enough research, one could find it already written and with better prose than I could construct. Hell, every good song has already been written. Every good story has already been told.
Or has it?
Without delving too deeply into my life story in my first substantive post, and all the tragicomedy therein, I will confess a recurring struggle with self-worth. (And there's a story that has been told a million times over by women across the globe). We can dissect it and psychoanalyze it for hours, but I paid a wonderful woman a lot of money to do that for me for several years, and it's not necessary to do it again.
Indeed, that wonderful woman would likely applaud my realization that, hey:
I have a voice here.
I have something to say, and it hasn't been said before.
So, no apologies, no explanations. I'm blogging now. And I'm going to publish it.
Right..... now.
Will I see you on the Price is Right?
Will I cry, will I smile,
As you run, down the aisle?"
--Barenaked Ladies, "It's All Been Done."
I've tried blogging before, and I flopped. I took down my my first blog because I was in the middle of a divorce, and I didn't feel comfortable publishing personal thoughts at the time. I then attempted a more political, public blog, where I ranted briefly about the government and elections, but I lost steam after 3 posts.
Frankly, I don't consider myself a writer. If I could write anything, I would write songs. Oh, how I would write songs! I would write amazing, catchy tunes, and everyone would learn all the lyrics and sing along with me at my sold-out stadium shows. I certainly have tried my hand at writing songs, and I probably have one that's semi-decent and another half-finished song that could be something if I knew how to play the guitar better to finish off the chord progressions. But, no dice (yet).
Any time I've tried to write something more than just a diary entry and more than just a rant on Republicans, I've had this nagging thought that anything worth reading has already been written. I've surmised that, anything that I think I want to say about love, or life, or happiness, with enough research, one could find it already written and with better prose than I could construct. Hell, every good song has already been written. Every good story has already been told.
Or has it?
Without delving too deeply into my life story in my first substantive post, and all the tragicomedy therein, I will confess a recurring struggle with self-worth. (And there's a story that has been told a million times over by women across the globe). We can dissect it and psychoanalyze it for hours, but I paid a wonderful woman a lot of money to do that for me for several years, and it's not necessary to do it again.
Indeed, that wonderful woman would likely applaud my realization that, hey:
I have a voice here.
I have something to say, and it hasn't been said before.
So, no apologies, no explanations. I'm blogging now. And I'm going to publish it.
Right..... now.
I'm Every Woman
Way back in the day, I watched Ally McBeal fairly religiously. I can't remember why Ally was always searching for her personal theme song, but along the way this 3D dancing baby that boogied to the Blue Swede version of "Hooked On a Feeling" became a television phenomenon. Ooga-Chaka indeed.
I don't recall how it came to me, but this is my theme song. It pops into my head at funny moments, like cleaning the cat litter box, dressing up in a really nice suit for work, or crossing the finish line of a triathlon. Thank you, Ashford and Simpson.
I personally prefer the Chaka Khan version, but Whitney also sang it right.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm every woman, it's all in me
Anything you want done, baby
I'll do it naturally
I'm every woman, it's all in me
I can read your thoughts right now
Every one from A to Z
I can cast a spell
With secrets you can't tell
Mix a special brew
Put fire inside of you
But anytime you feel
Danger or fear
Instantly I will appear, 'cause
I'm every woman, it's all in me
Anything you want done, baby
I'll do it naturally
I'm every woman, it's all in me
I can read your thoughts right now
Every one from A to Z
I can sense your needs
Like rain on to the seeds
I can make a rhyme
Of confusion in your mind
And when it comes down
To some good old fashioned love
That's what I've got plenty of, 'cause
I'm every woman, it's all in me
Anything you want done, baby
I'll do it naturally
I'm every woman, it's all in me
I can read your thoughts right now
Every one from A to Z
I ain't braggin'
'Cause I'm the one
You just ask me
And it shall be done
Don't bother to compare
'Cause I've got it
I've got it
I've got it, yeah
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I don't recall how it came to me, but this is my theme song. It pops into my head at funny moments, like cleaning the cat litter box, dressing up in a really nice suit for work, or crossing the finish line of a triathlon. Thank you, Ashford and Simpson.
I personally prefer the Chaka Khan version, but Whitney also sang it right.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm every woman, it's all in me
Anything you want done, baby
I'll do it naturally
I'm every woman, it's all in me
I can read your thoughts right now
Every one from A to Z
I can cast a spell
With secrets you can't tell
Mix a special brew
Put fire inside of you
But anytime you feel
Danger or fear
Instantly I will appear, 'cause
I'm every woman, it's all in me
Anything you want done, baby
I'll do it naturally
I'm every woman, it's all in me
I can read your thoughts right now
Every one from A to Z
I can sense your needs
Like rain on to the seeds
I can make a rhyme
Of confusion in your mind
And when it comes down
To some good old fashioned love
That's what I've got plenty of, 'cause
I'm every woman, it's all in me
Anything you want done, baby
I'll do it naturally
I'm every woman, it's all in me
I can read your thoughts right now
Every one from A to Z
I ain't braggin'
'Cause I'm the one
You just ask me
And it shall be done
Don't bother to compare
'Cause I've got it
I've got it
I've got it, yeah
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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