I Know This Much Is True

"Funny how it seems
Always in time, but never in line for dreams
Head over heels, when toe to toe
This is the sound of my soul."

--Spandau Ballet, "True."


The truth isn't always pretty.

I'm aware of this fact more than any other reality, because I've been through some ugly stuff.

Most days, the ugly stuff stays where it belongs: in the past. It's not about denial as much as it is about living fully in the present, enjoying the wonderful life that I have created for myself, and honoring my strength as a human and a woman.

Sometimes, though, you have to look at the ugly stuff. Sometimes you have to do it just for yourself, and sometimes, you have to do it for someone else. Because you want to. Because the truth shall set you free.

The truth is that I was once married to someone abusive. Someone who kept me in a box, who tried to control me, who emotionally and eventually physically abused me.

Not so pretty. Not so fun. For many people, it's hard to fathom because I am so (strong, courageous, loyal, generous) NOT the kind of person who ends up in an abusive relationship. But, it happened. And I worked very, very hard to try to turn it around. And eventually I realized that my ex-husband's behavior was not something I could control or change.
No matter what I did.

It taught me to accept people as they are. It taught me about my own free will. It taught me that shame only has the power that you personally give it.

It also taught me that not everyone is someone that I want to have in my life, no matter what our history might be. It taught me that I have the power and privilege to identify and choose that which is good for ME in terms of relationships.

I find myself at the beginning of a relationship. I have no idea what it is meant to be, but I know that I'm interested in finding out. I know that it is currently a source of great excitement and fun and interest! I find myself getting to know someone who not only wants to know my truth, but who is somehow helping me share it without fear.

I BELIEVE in sharing the truth. I believe in being real. I am who I am in large part because of HOW I got here. I don't want to hide it. I am not ashamed. I cannot be afraid that the truth will be too scary for someone else to handle. It would be too exhausting and unfair to ME to pretend that it didn't happen. So it must come out, and I have to learn to trust.

Trust that I am amazing. And worth it. And being free to be me and fully express myself within a relationship is exactly what I want and deserve.

Trust that a man who can hold my hand through that conversation and make me look him in the eyes with my eyes open while saying it is an incredible person who I want to continue to get to know.

Trust that having a tough conversation would never be the end of something good.

Trust that sharing the truth makes something good become better, even if I might need my hand held to do it.

Because it's okay to need someone to hold your hand through the hard parts. We all need that sometimes. Even the strong, courageous, women of steel.

And it's even better when someone wants to do it.

And it's okay if he reads this.