Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Bait Your Hook

"Well, if the fish isn't on your line,
Bait your hook and keep on trying.
Don't let him get you down,
There's other boys around."

--The Marvelettes, "Too Many Fish in the Sea."

Wow, look at all the fish in this water! They are EVERYWHERE. :)

Now, a public service announcement.

Straight boys, listen up: I've had... enough... of the moody, brooding, over-analytical type who get lost inside their own bullsh*t.

Where's the man who is bold enough to just do what's on his mind? Go after what he wants? That's the guy I want. Yep, I'm intimidating as ALL HELL. Brilliant, talented, athletic, tall, blond, attractive. I'm what you say you all want. And then you chicken OUT when you meet me.

Man up. A woman only wants SO many pen pals.

And then she just wants a MAN.

The guy who is bold enough to ask me out and confident in himself to believe that he deserves such a wonderful woman in his life?

Call me.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Diving In

"Wake up sleepy head, I think the sun's a little brighter today
Smile and watch the icicles melt away and see the water rising."

-Dave Matthews Band, "Dive In."

So. Apparently I need to jump back in the water.

I will certainly start in the shallow end, where I can see the bottom, see my hands and feet and toes. I will only go into depths where I can still touch the bottom. But, standing on the shore and staring out across the water in fear isn't working anymore.

Yep, I'm a little scared to dive in, lest I find myself again gasping for air. But standing and staring and wondering and worrying is a scarier place for me.

They say when you get in a car accident or crash your bike, one of the best ways to get over it is to get back behind the wheel or get right back in the saddle, so the fear doesn't set in.

I don't want this fear to hold onto me for another second.

So I'm diving in.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Growing Hungry

"I don't mind stealing bread from the mouths of decadence.
But I can't feed on the powerless when my cup's already overfilled."

--Hunger Strike, "Temple of the Dog."

I knid of want to eat my arm.

I've been training for a Half IronMan triathlon on September 12, 2010. It's the "DiamondMan" in Bear, DE.



Will it be my first? Will it be my last? Who knows, but lately my workouts are long and intense. I never knew I was an endurance athlete--until I tried, I guess. Yesterday I did 45 minutes on the bike and then ran for an hour, and I felt the strongest in the last half hour of that workout. That's a little sick.

What's sicker is how HARD I BONKED about an hour and a half later. Oof. Apparently I don't know how to feed myself. And this morning all I can think about is "What am I going to eat next?" and "Is it too soon to eat again?"

I'm totally outside my expertise here. I mean, am I going to have to start drinking protein shakes? Like, FTW. I'm a girl.

It was interesting reading different song lyrics on hunger to start this blog post. There are lots of similarities to what's going on in my stomach and what's going on in my heart.

I'm growing hungry, indeed. And I need to find the right nourishment. No ordinary meal will suffice.

I want the good stuff! Bring it!

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Out of Tune

"What would you think if I sang out of tune,
Would you stand up and walk out on me?
Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song,
And I'll try not to sing out of key."

--The Beatles, "A Little Help From my Friends."

I just want to give a little shout out to all of my wonderful friends and family who have been so amazingly supportive over the past month (or so). As I write this, I am feeling a sadness that just leaks out my eyes such that I can't stop it, and as much as I want to pick up the phone and ask Emily, or Ashley, or Mom, or Marni, or Heather, or Erin, or Christina, or Ann, or Stefanie, or Dad to hold my hand and tell me it's going to be okay, I'm going to try to give them all a break by writing instead.

I've been attempting to spread all the garbage around so that no one gets too much at once, but I know when I've hit people's upper limits. I apologize, especially to Mom (who gets a daily dose), and to Marni and Stef for dinner last week. I thank you for your support. The pain gets duller each day, but some days, like today, I'm overtired, and all I want is someone who is going to give me a hug when I get home. But that's not going to happen today.

So I'll just pray, and give thanks for the love around me.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Ode on a MoCo Morning

Alarm Clock. Coffee.
Oats. Coffee.
Ade of the gator.
Pickup, meetup. Wheels up.
Take that, Brickyard Road!
Oh, the houses I'll never afford.
Sun beating down. Sweating.
Thank you trees.
35 mph
8 mph
35 mph
Wheeeee! Enjoy it now; you'll pay for it later.
Ugh. Irresponsible gearing.
8 mph
Moving in and out of aero gets easier.
Don't beep at me!
Shot Blocks. Water. Grime.
Hey! I know you.
Take that, River Road.
No flats, phew.
Where did the miles go?

Thursday, July 15, 2010

I am a Rock Star

"You weren't there, you never were
You want it all but that's not fair
I gave you life, I gave my all
You weren't there, you let me fall

So, so what?
I'm still a rock star
I got my rock moves, and I don't need you
And guess what?
I'm havin' more fun
And now that we're done, I'm gonna show you tonight
I'm alright
I'm just fine and you're a TOOL
So, so what?
I am a rock star
I got my rock moves and I don't want you tonight."

--Pink, "So What."

Sometimes, my workout mix of bad dance music makes me smile.

A lot.

And, actually, I kind of *am* a rock star. Like, I sing in a band, and we rock. And I did a 35-mile bike ride before work this morning and averaged 22mph. Woot.

So, yeah. I got my rock moves. I get to have these moments, just like everyone else.

That isn't to say that I'M SO EXHAUSTED I COULD CRY because I only got 5 hours of sleep the past 3 nights, but I'll recover.

I am a rock star, after all.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Left Unlocked?

"I love you whether or not you love me
I love you even if you think I don’t
Sometimes I find you doubt my love for you
But I don’t mind
Why should I mind, Why should I mind

What is love anyway, does anybody Love anybody anyway
What is love anyway, does anybody Love anybody anyway

Can anybody love anyone so much that they will never fear
Never worry never be sad
The answer is they cannot love this much nobody can
This is why I don’t mind you doubting

What is love anyway, does anybody Love anybody anyway
What is love anyway, does anybody Love anybody anyway

And maybe love is letting people be just what they want to be
The door always must be left unlocked
To love when circumstance may lead someone away from you
And not to spend the time just doubting

What is love anyway, does anybody Love anybody anyway
What is love anyway, does anybody Love anybody anyway"

--Howard Jones, "What is Love?"


Lies Lies Lies Yeah

"You told me you loved me
So I don't understand
Why promises are snapped in two
And words are made to bend."
--The Thompson Twins, "Lies."

I've recently experienced a man's lies of phenomenal proportions. Processing it and expunging it from my system has been coming in chunks and spurts. Every time I tell the story to another person, the response is the same... they are dumbfounded, sickened, confused, and disgusted. As am I.

As indulgent as it might seem to post this story publicly, I honestly think it might be the only way to completely get it out of my system. Stay tuned. I am only capable of writing about this in chunks and spurts.



Tuesday, July 6, 2010

You Can’t Run Away From Yourself

Now, don’t just walk away
Pretending everything’s ok
And you don’t care about me
And I know there’s just no use
When all your lies become your truths
And I don’t care

Could you look me in the eye
And tell me that you’re happy now?
Would you tell it to my face or have I been erased?
Are you happy now?
Are you happy now?

You took all there was to take
And left me with an empty plate
And you don’t care about it
And I am givin' up this game
I’m leaving you with all the blame
Cause I don’t care

Could you look me in the eye
And tell me that you’re happy now?
Would you tell it to my face or have I been erased?
Are you happy now?
Are you happy now?
Are you happy now?

Do you really have everything you want?
You can't ever give somethin' you ain't got
You can’t run away from yourself

Could you look me in the eye
And tell me that you're happy now?
Come on, tell it to my face or have I been replaced?
Are you happy now?
Are you happy now?

Would you look me in the eye?
Could you look me in the eye?
I’ve had all that I can take
I'm not about to break
Cause I’m happy now

Are you happy now?